A Missive From MatriNarc
Do you remember Dr M? The fine suit wearing doctor with the soon to be worn away crotch? Of course you do. Well as you will recall the first consultation ended in a resounding victory to me as I kept him at bay with my silent treatment. I fair floated out of his consulting room and exited onto the cold street outside. Two days after this trouncing of Dr M I received a letter. I knew straight away who it was from. She always used 100gsm manila C5 envelopes. The quality and weight of the envelope was something she was fastidious about. She would often snort at personal letters which arrived in anything which was white and below the weight she preferred. I naturally recognised her immaculate copperplate handwriting as well. I knew what would be contained in the enclosed letter but I read it anyway.
“Dear HG
To sin by silence when they should protest makes cowards of men.
Speak up or suffer the consequences.
With fondness
Mother”
I tore the letter up. Her hypocrisy was evident once again. There she was chastising me for remaining silent with Dr M when all through her life (or at least that much that I could actually recall) she had used silence. Silence to convey her fury with anyone who had not given her what she wanted. Silence to let people know that they were in the wrong. Silence to hurt. Silence to control. Silence to compel. The High Priestess of Hush was admonishing me for saying nothing. She should be praising me but then I had come to expect this. I keenly observed her deportment. Impeccable manners, politeness, punctuality and high standards. Shoes must always be black for men, there is no brown in town. A Windsor knot in my tie (I had to learn at ten years old to do it myself. I can remember standing in the living room with the tears of frustration trickling down my face as I was scolded for getting it wrong once again). Never wear white shirts unless it is a funeral or you are an airline pilot. Oh or a police officer. At dinner remember to ask “Do you know the Bishop of Norwich?” and “Is your passport in order?” All her lectures I absorbed and obeyed and most of all I learned all about her use of silence. I had done exactly as I should when dealing with someone who was trying to undermine me. That Dr M was trying to unnerve me and make him the superior being in the room. He soon came undone when faced by the Tudor Icewall. I did precisely the right thing but there we are it was the wrong thing according to the Duchess of Disdain. I did not take kindly to the threat contained in the letter either but I could not ignore it. And she knew that. Of course she knew that. She fires off one of her standard howitzer quotations in order to gain the high ground. Typically she was economic with her writing too.
“No letter should ever be more than a page in length, any more and you are waffling.”
I can hear her saying that now. Mind you, she was right about that and was right about most things, I am like her in that respect, that much I will concede. Nevertheless I did not welcome this diktat and hurled the torn pieces of paper on the floor before I stormed out of my house. I felt wounded by this correspondence. She could always wound me so easily with her letters. Whenever she wanted to set me straight she would send me a letter. It was like a papal bull and it always made me feel crippled. Whenever I received one of these letters I could feel the scorching criticism tearing through me and I needed to douse it. I needed to find a salve for the affliction. It was no good confronting her. She would only make matters worse. No others would pay in order to ease my suffering and pay they did.
I lambasted the girl on reception at the office for not having her hair tied up and found three other petty reasons to tear a strip off her. She was soon in tears. I threw a report from a junior colleague back at him and told him to come back when he had learned how to do joined-up writing. I told my secretary her forthcoming extended weekend break was cancelled because there was too much work to do. I removed another colleague from leading a team and appointed one of his peers instead. I knew from her grateful smile and thankful gaze that I had credit to be used from between her legs and I would readily do so by the end of the day. I wrote some disgusting graffiti about a head of department in one of the cubicles in the gentlemens’ bathroom. I got my secretary to ring the restaurant where I did most of my entertaining and as I stood listening she was instructed to tell them that their sablefish was sub-standard and for that reason my expense account would be used at a competitor establishment. The manager of the restaurant rang four times to apologise and sent a bottle of champagne in order to try and win back my patronage. I called my sister and told her how useless she was and she was never to ring me ever again. I cancelled a meeting and spent two hours blitzing three fuel prospects with texts, ensuring the content became progressively filthier. I telephoned my then girlfriend and explained I had to take someone else out for dinner in the evening and put the phone down on her. I was a whirlwind of malice throughout the rest of the day until as 6pm approached I realised the horrible burning inside had ceased and I felt cleansed. I sat at my desk and dragged my hand across my face relieved to have overcome the weakness that threatened to topple me as a consequence of that single sheet of paper with the minimum of words etched upon it.
I opened one of the drawers on my desk and selected a single heavy sheet of cream paper. I set it straight before me and taking up my fountain pen I began to write.
“Mother dearest,
The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. Dr M will listen.
Yours
HG”
I slid the letter in the envelope and smiled. She would be proud of me this time, surely?
77 thoughts on “A Missive From MatriNarc”
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Hi thanks for your response, your narc detector questions were used and the responses were exactly that of a greater. Plus he is self aware but does not assign the correct label to himself, calls himself a psycho but he is a narc as he needs fuel. He manipulates people and is self aware when he does it as he has opening spoken about it. like how he manipulated the academics at University. The Deans used to socialise with him outside of studies.
why does a greater narc stay with his family even if they financially abusing him and he is aware his mother manipulates him. She wont let him marry of his own choice so she can control the marriage and meddle. He wont marry without martinarcs approval, and is aware that martrinarc does not want him to marry because he brings in a lot of money so she can control the money, him and everything else. Matri narc cries and does dramas about him leaving her if he gets married.
Greater-narc son is almost fathering retard favs brothers 8 children because brothers are unemployed. I think the mother is a greater narc as well as she seems to be very calculated and manipulative. The whole family live together so they are all his secondary sources.
He is Elite narc fairly good looking and super intelligent dentist. Why would a greater narc male tolerate this, he did not even marry his IPPS who he was so desperate to bind to himself because of MatriNarc and was worried about breaking family bonds.
Hello Tanny, I very much doubt the individual is a Greater Narc based on the information provided. You should use this with regard to the subject and once a determination has been made and further information provided about the behaviours an accurate answer can be given to you.
https://narcsite.com/narc-detector/
Brings back memories about the tie my father had over 50 ties in his closet and I have career to wear I started wearing ties and asked him to show me how to tie it. He showed me one time and i didnt get it of course it was confusing and he insisted that he figured it out on his own and no one showed him…and still to this day i dont know how to tie it i feel your pain on that hg
Christopher J
Re: ties
Youtube is your friend.
Dear Mr Tudor,
I can relate very much to the silence growing up (it slowly eats at you)
My mum instructed me, I MUST address my envelopes to her correctly Suburb in caps, followed by a comma, then the state in caps followed by a full stop then postcode followed by a fullstop
Then all to be underlined
If it wasn’t correct ….. she wouldn’t open it or return to sender (that would be me)
She thought more of the envelope, than the fact I had bought her a card and written beautiful words of sentiment
Yes, the length of a letter … was … a beginning, middle and ending …. that’s it, no more … get to the point and finish it !
As you can clearly see …. I rebelled 🤣
I learnt to tie a Windsor knot around the same age, when I was a Brownie …. she left all that kind of teaching to others, seeing as we didn’t have a dad at the time
You and your mother appear to be engaging in a battle of intellectual wit n strength
You “reacted” which is normal…but in this instance, you over reacted
Your “mother” should be the one seeing the good doctors !
Very insightful article … thank you
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Bubbles,
I think the missive from his mother ignited Mr Tudor’s fury.
MatriNarc is painted black and her proximity is high on his fuel matrix; family is right below intimate partners. Written message, very low quantity of fuel and a one-off (frequency) BUT she made a threat AND tried to exert control AND superiority! How dare she! And there was not enough fuel in the missive to heal the wound so he had to displace his fury, thus garnering fuel from other sources, to heal the wound and then respond in kind to his mother’s missive.
From our POV, it seems like he overreacted but from his POV it makes perfect sense.
Luv K
xoxo
Dear K,
Arh… of course
I sometimes overlook the need for “negative” fuel is as important as “positive” …it’s ALL Fuel
Thank you for elaborating K… that made “perfect sense”
📃💌📮
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Bubbles,
Ha ha ha…Hell hath no fury like a narcissist wounded. His self-defence mechanism kicked in and he used fury to protect himself. Negative fuel makes them feel powerful and can heal the wound rather nicely. It is all instinct and it needs to run its course.
By the time 6 pm rolled around, his emotional thinking (ET) was under control and he used logical thinking (LT) to respond to his mother’s missive.
“Though this be madness, yet there is method in’t” – Hamlet
P.S.
Luv K xoxo
P.S.
It is a fantastic example of N v N and fury.
Dearest K,
‘Tis isn’t it ?
The games people play …. don’t we just luv it …. not !
Except for narcs…. they bathe in it 🤣
Thanks gorgeous
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
Dear Bubbles,
“Yes, the length of a letter … was … a beginning, middle and ending …. that’s it, no more … get to the point and finish it !
As you can clearly see …. I rebelled.”
This made me laugh out loud!
I’m glad you have rebelled.
Your mom is a pill too.
Hugs,
WC
Dear WhoCares,
My mum is a “hard to swallow” pill …. has been known to trigger allergic reactions
🤣
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
HG, I am super confused.
How did MN know you performed at PST?
Surely a therapeutic relationship such as you have with the two Good Doctors that are presumably professionally qualified people, should remain in utter confidence?
Otherwise how can that therapeutic bond form?
Doesn’t matter if it’s the family footing the bill. What goes on in confidence MUST remain so. Otherwise, those two ‘Good Doctors’ need to be frankly struck off for malpractice.
HG, This was great. I lose control like that too but usually when I am burnt out. I know exactly how you felt, since I also have a Matrinarc. I’ve learned not to call her (because I am mostly in a different country she thankfully cannot figure out how to call me). I only send her emails and when I see one in return I dread opening it though these days she’s slightly batty so somewhat more pleasant to be around.
I do have a question. How is it that your therapist is telling your family what transpires in your sessions and telling you what they have said about you? No matter who pays, I thought therapists had to maintain confidentiality.
It was a condition that updates be provided, which I know about and of course use to my advantage – hence the games are always being played.
Ah, the plot thickens.
But not the soup.
Your mother crippled you with her abuse. Your revenge ie GD should be done sooner rather than later -whatever it is. What’s taking so long? Surely you want to enjoy her squirm for a while. No?
Hello, H.G. TUDOR.
This post is very interesting to me, because I see that you seem to have an inherent fear of your mother. If your mother reminds me of Norman Bates’ mother in Psycho. A possessive and controlling mother. A limiting and castrating mother.
I understand the narcissist’s behaviour, but his frustration and criticism makes him his mother. His frustration and criticism should never be discharged on third parties.
If not, confront her directly and act against her.
It would have been so simple to write and tell her:
Dear mom,
There is lots of hair on my balls, as if to have to meet your demands.
Please don’t write again and mind your own business.
Yes, it bothers him my comment you can start from now, his silent treatment. Please do not contact me again.
Cordially H.G.
But, I think the fear of him appearing, mom with a plastic bag to suffocate him again, for such daring and face him,
This, frightens and paralyzes him like, to put his mother in her place and put the bag on her…
HG, my observation is that your mother’s spiteful sting precipitates a very faulty cause and effect relationship with you.
Your mother left you with many ‘lessons’, good to see you leaving her with some as well. Something tells me it will be you who outwits all the history and has the last word.
Sarah
The obsessive need to have superficial things look a certain way and be of a certain quality is something I’ve seen before in narcissists, like the colour and weight of the writing paper that HG describes and what colour shoes you should and shouldn’t wear. Their image and how they appear to others in material ways is so important to them that they have ‘rules’ in place. Yet they think nothing of brutalising their own children’s minds, and exploiting or tearing strips off innocent people around them.
Those opposite aspects of their behaviour always seem so strange and illogical to me. On the one hand, they want to appear refined and dignified, while on the other, they are incredibly callous and crude.
WiserNow, the obsession to have things a certain way is also something I’ve witnessed. I did not realize this is a narcissist trait then. Everything in the ex narcs home was perfectly placed. There was a picture that hung on the wall. Every time I was at his house I would tap it to make it a bit crooked. When I would come back, it would be straight again.
HG, I really liked this one. I loved the ending. For me this was a good illustration of the narcissist emotions (rage) and how as a greater you waited for the emotion to pass before making a decision, or in this case replying to dearest mother in a very clever way.
Mercy
Narcex was a complete slob, his car was filthy, his bedroom a pit. HG diagnosed him as an UMR cerebral. He couldn’t possibly care less about his surroundings. Made me crazy.
Wissh, my kid’s father didn’t have these obsessions either. I just find it interesting that so many do.
Mercy
I think they’re all about extremes. Hoarders or the guy from Sleeping With The Enemy lining up the soup cans.
NarcAngel, I agree. Do you have an opinion on empaths and extremes? This is a subject that has probably been talked about but I don’t recall seeing it. I know it’s been said that narc/empaths are 2 sides of the same coin. I’ve found I can be extreme about certain things (I line up my soup cans). I just wonder if this is a empath thing or normal.
Mercy
Haha. Wtf I know about normal? I think both sides have addiction and control issues and they come in all forms. I have heard empaths say many times that they do not have ego or control issues but I do not agree.
NarcAngel, actually you were the first person to clue me in on the empaths ego. I tend to agree with you and have come to the conclusion it was my ego that couldn’t accept an ending that wasn’t peaceful. I don’t forgive him for what he’s done but I accept that my issues are what kept me there.
Mercy, The only reason I am (mostly) cured is because of my own ego. I was NOT GOING TO LET HIM WIN. Period. I saw my chance to figuratively kick him in the balls and so I did. My ego also kept me there way beyond the sell-by date but a healthy sense of self is not a bad thing. And neither is having some narc traits. I think it’s rather the obsessiveness we were discussing on the other thread that leaves us vulnerable because we don’t know when to quit, whether it’s boxing up maps or leaving a narc.
SMH, I don’t necessarily see it as not knowing when to quit. More like a means to avoid what we don’t want to deal with. I keep myself obsessively busy because, aside from work and my kids, I don’t want to face what’s out in the world. I feel it coming to an end though. I’m outgrowing my safe place and need to expand a little.
As far as not letting him win, good for you! I feel the same way. NC is the win. I survived the first few hoovers and I’ll admit it makes me feel like I have the power back in my hands. My silence is my final words.
Excellent, Mercy. You did survive those hoovers. Also nice to see that you are ready to expand. I found that if I returned to the things I was always good at and enjoyed (before narc came along), the rest of it just kind of fell into place.
NarcAngel, I should say that I may have worked that out on my own but it was that comment you made to Valkerie on the “Alex with the ice” post that I noticed. That was a time I was questioning my own empathy and your comment gave me something solid to work with. It’s an example that all opinions have something to offer regardless of criticism.
Mercy
I think people hear the word ego and immediately attach a negative to it.
Dictionary for Ego: A person’s sense of self-esteem or self-importance.
I don’t read that as a bad thing. It seems to me that ego out of balance is the problem, be it too little or too much and empath or narcissist.
I think you reading that and finding some good in it points to the fact that you were open to investigation (not necessarily acceptance) and finding proper balance in using both logic and emotion after your experience. I think you are also good at sensing intention.
NarcAngel,
Thank you, I appreciate what you said. I think you’re right about the word ego being a taboo word. I think that was why I was questioning my empathy at the time.
You make a good point about balancing logic and emotion. We put alot of emphasis on thinking logically but it’s our emotions that alert us to our surroundings. In some ways it’s an advantage over the narcissist. We can live freely trusting that our emotions will send us these signals, once we apply logic to the emotional signals we can form a plan of action. The narcissist always has to be on guard which is why, in my opinion, they are paranoid of everyone.
WiserNow and Mercy, very interesting comments about the obsessive behaviours – I also noticed them with exN and used to joke that he was a control freak, but hadn’t linked them to N traits. Even the tiniest divergence from his preference for certain things used to set him off. All makes so much sense now!
Jess, is your exN a collector? This is something else I didn’t know but have learned recently from this site.
Mercy, not a collector per se, but more of a hoarder, as in he had tremendous trouble to throw away things he no longer used or needed.
Jess, I’ve heard others say that that narc they were involved with hoarded as well. I agree with WiserNow about how it has to do with control. I find it very interesting.
Mercy and Jess, My Lesser ExH (not the father of my son) was a hoarder. It was horrible to live with because I hate clutter. I am not OCD about it and don’t mind dirt but I hate having things all over the place. He had piles of papers everywhere, including receipts from the 1970s. He’d accuse me of throwing things out even though I hadn’t, etc. He had the only extra room in the flat, even though I was the one who worked mostly from home, because there was no place to put his stuff. Before he moved out, I took a picture of that room and after he moved, I think I danced around the flat in all that extra space.
Mercy and Jess,
It’s interesting how the same behaviours and habits can be seen across different narcissists. It sounds like it has something to do with perfectionism and control mixed in their need to be superior with a facade for other people to see. What is hidden behind the facade is something quite different.
WiserNow, it is definitely about control and maintaining a perfect image to the outside world, albeit falsely. ExN wasn’t a clumsy hoarder by any means, but was rather obsessive and particular about select things and I would almost always be reprimanded if I didn’t do something ‘just so’ and how he liked. So not only was that control for him, but also as a tool to keep me under control. Empaths also ‘control’ but I feel that their control doesn’t involve any vindictiveness, malice or even harm. At least not intentionally.
That’s true Jess, and even if empaths are controlling or perfectionistic, they don’t necessarily insist on certain rules at the expense of someone else’s upset or hurt. Empaths tend to reprimand themselves rather than others if they fail one of their own rules or aren’t as perfect as they strive to be.
WiserNow, I was thinking the same thing. I may like my soup cans a certain way but if someone doesn’t put them away right I still appreciate that they tried to help. A narcissist would lash out or criticize.
Mercy
I didn’t mean for you to worry about your soup can organization lol. I only brought that up because it was used in the movie Sleeping With The Enemy to show when the abusive ex was around. The victim opened the cupboard and knew instantly. I have organizational issues myself. I worry about leakage when I enter a container store.
I know what you mean Mercy. Thinking about this example (i.e. the soup cans), if the cans were put away ‘incorrectly’, an empath would see different aspects of what had happened and wouldn’t react as though it was primarily a personal attack or personally hurtful. They would see the positive aspects like you say, or the fact that the soup cans all facing the right way wasn’t that important in the bigger scheme of things, or that starting an argument about it would be counterproductive, etc etc.
I think an empath would also ask why? Why would a person deliberately put the cans away facing the wrong way if they *know* you didn’t like them that way? So, even in the small, seemingly unimportant things in life, an empath is a “truth-seeker” and looks for the good in people and the underlying rational reasons for somebody else’s behaviour. Initially, I don’t think they’d see it as a narcissist would, as a personal attack and reason for being wounded. At least, this is how I think I would behave.
An empath without awareness would lash out or criticise after the same thing had happened a number of times and the narcissist continually ignored the empath’s requests or wishes. With awareness, it becomes obvious that the narcissist deliberately ignores the empath’s wishes and antagonises them in order to control or to get a reaction for fuel.
The narcissist is quick to see everything as a personal attack or attempt to undermine them – even the soup can example for instance – because that’s how their mind is wired. Their need for control and fuel overpowers everything else.
So you were an adult with your own house when this letter was received.. why even open it? Why have you not gone GOSO? How does your mother even know what went on with doctor M due to confidentiality? I’ll never understand either how taking it out on someone else makes you feel better, why innocent people have to pay the price, but I know that’s how it is.. of course we don’t know when this was in the passage of time or if you were aware at the time of what you doing or just giving insight to how a wounding can affect you and then everyone around you. It is insightful into the mind of a narcissist thanks. It’s helpful to understand that when they lash out it probably has nothing at all to do with the person being lashed out on.. twisted logic but useful to know. Also then your mother knows something isn’t right with you?
1. Information is power.
2. GOSO is necessary for you as you are empaths. It is not necessary for me as I am not affected in the way you are because of what I am.
3. Reports are provided and of course human beings leak.
All yoy need is for Mommy to spank you for be a bad boy.
Yeah, I get kind of the same feeling when I receive an email from Darth Mother.
I’m ready for more on mother dearest. What European country are you from?
HG, thank you for sharing a glimps into your history. I’m sorry you were raised by this monster. It’s no mystery you grew into a Greater with that training.
When I confront horrible and painful memories of my past, I cry them out, grieve them, accept them, and release them. It’s very healing. This heals my addiction to narcissists and the subconscious desire to repeatedly recreate these situations.
Does anything like that process work for you?
How do you do process these?
– Peaceful
I do not cry. Big boys don’t cry.
Dearest HG: Your Mom loved you? I can not tell. Are you an only son? Is your Father a balancer of things in your upbringing. Is all this in one of your books?
1. No.
2. No.
3. Not for me.
4. Yes, but not yet published.
Publish publish publish! I will send an email to my whole psychoanalytic training institute encouraging them to buy it and cc you. I need to read it now!!!
WendyRhoades
I see you’re a Billions fan. Do you identify with her style or was it just a name pick due to her profession? The show displays well the moral plasticity, drive, and effect of the different personalities and behaviours in big business. Largely narcissistic and narcissists. Fascinating.
I’m a billions fan, a super fan of Wendy’s wardrobe, and a therapist. I was going by the avatar Kara before. You were not happy with me
WendyR
I knew you were Kara previously when I wrote that.
Ha, was reading along and I knew you knew, NA.
Your intentions are always good. I always appreciate your comments.
<3
Thanks NB. You get me but not everyone does.
Dearest HG: That movie, Mommie Dearest, comes to mind: https://youtu.be/fqM1ttqNA9k?list=PLC9190B0F94CB7C92
This one is new to me. I started out hurt for you, then pissed at the way you treated people. Is it important to you that your Mother be proud of you, HG?
Not any more, Wissh.
I’m glad.
But are you glad all over?
‘Til the end of time.
Question, has matrinarc had therapy herself? Does she know she’s a narc? I assume the good doctors only have to report that you’re showing up for therapy, not what’s discussed?
Hello Wissh,
1. No.
2. No.
3. Largely alongwith a general progress report but not the specifics of discussion (not that I trust one of the doctors to not breach that though).
Do the GD know about your third therapist?
No
I was thinking what a real pill your mother is, but maybe a sentence in a letter is more effective than if she had just picked up a phone. I never understand why people put so many limitations on themselves- white shirts, brown shoes and so on. Just to spite, I’ll wear brown and black together, and mix blue and brown in an outfit, and it looks stylish – and everyone likes it. I can’t stand pompous nonsense.
Your reply was brilliant, and I’m so impressed that silent and listen have all the same letters! Only thing is, maybe you should have written “Mommy Dearest “.
I loved your description of how you felt reading her letter, that’s exactly how I’ve felt before too. Not that I haven’t gotten grumpy reacting to something before, but you certainly went a bit overboard passing it on to others. Too bad you didn’t pass it back to your mother instead.
He said he’s saving passing it on to his mother, that’s part of the grand design.
Oh.. I dont know about this grand design! Even I would have written back in a ballpoint or felt tip pen on the scappiest, crumpled up bit of cheap paper I could find and put iit n a used tatty envelope with the wrong postage on…
flutterbymorpho
Read Dolus Malus for more on the GD.
HG Tudor
JANUARY 10, 2019 AT 14:15
There are three strands to the Grand Design – Legacy, Revenge, Supremacy.
https://narcsite.com/2018/07/19/dolus-malus/comment-page-1/
Oh thank you !
My pleasure flutterbymorpho
This link might be the better of the two. Enjoy the reading.
https://narcsite.com/2018/07/30/dolus-malus-prologue/