A Question of Trust
We are able to do what we do because of a particularly fundamental trait that we look for in the people that we target; trust. We look for those who place particular reliance on trust and then we abuse that trust. Most people operate on a basis of trust. If they did not, the world would grind to a halt. Trust lubricates so many transactions between people whether those transactions are social, financial or emotional. When somebody tells you,
“I like your shirt it suits you.”
You trust them to be telling you the truth. If you did not do so, you would stop and cross examine them as to why they like it in order to evaluate whether you believe their comment to be a true one or not. You trust the company from which you make a purchase to deliver when they say they will and that the product will be fit for purpose. You trust your colleagues to do their jobs effectively so you can also fulfil your obligations. You trust the police to maintain law and order, if you did not, there would be anarchy and rife vigilantism. It is axiomatic that there has to be trust otherwise everything would be slowed down or stopped as people evaluated, analysed, questioned and verified. Trust is evident everywhere and there is no greater trust than that which is expected in an intimate relationship.
People trust their partner to have their best interests at heart, to trust them not to do something to hurt them, to trust them to be faithful and loving. We know that in order for you to love in the way that you do, that deep and unconditional love, there must be trust. You approach your relationships with this trust held out in front of you, a symbol of good intent. You presume that everyone else that you will engage with will also adopt a similarly trusting stance. You expect them to reciprocate this trust. You trust that they will trust.
You are not a cynic. You do not operate in the realm of suspicion and mistrust. To do so would be admitting defeat and would tarnish the ideal of love that you are committed to. You accept much at face-value. That is not to label you as naïve, that would be unduly harsh, for as I have mentioned, many people operate on the basis of trust and so they must. You apply this trust to your dealings with those that you fall in love, led to believe by us that this trust will be reciprocated, that it will not be breached, betrayed or damaged. You are a truth seeker. You apply honesty in all your dealings and the taint of lies and dishonesty offends you considerably. The stench of our deceit, the rank odour of our mendacity is great but the perfumed veil we cast over such dark and dangerous deceptions is such that the malodorous warning never nears you. You are conned into believing that we tell you the truth when we first encounter you. We behave with such conviction, the air of confidence we exude, seemingly unquestionable and unimpeachable. We look you in the eye, those unseen mirrors reflecting back at you your earnest trust so that you see what you require. You look upon supposed honesty, apparent openness and this maintains your sense of trust.
By trusting you believe that you will get the truth. That our love will be true, that our intentions are truthful, that our fidelity is real and we govern our interactions with you under the mantle of truth. You trust that all of this will happen because we make you think you can trust us. We will reference those who have let us down, those who have betrayed us and in so doing we hold up our own reliance upon trust in order to receive your trust. See how we have trusted others and they let us down? We have always trusted beforehand and so you can be assured that we want to gain your trust and you shall have ours. It is all carefully orchestrated to channel one of the fundamental tenets by which you abide. When we gain that trust and we do so easily, you enable us to take this valuable commodity and apply our own veneer to it, reinforcing it and demonstrating to you just how much we value it. As a fellow disciple in trust this enables us to conduct ourselves in a way which ensures we are above suspicion. When we meet with a member of the opposite sex and explain she or he is just a friend and it is a friendly drink you have no reason to think otherwise. You trust us. When we tell you that we are working late. You trust us. When we borrow money from you. You trust us. When we tell you that we are using the contraceptive pill. You trust us. When we tell you that we love you and have never loved anybody like this before – you trust us.
Trust equals the truth. We then abuse your trust by carrying out our treacherous acts. We court other partners and shatter your trust. As you sit at home watching television thinking we are working hard for our future we are philandering and sliding our tendrils around a fresh prospect. When you are making that dinner for us both, looking forward to an evening together, I am showering in a hotel as I seek to wash away the scent of the person I have just coupled with. When you check your bank balance and consider what you will do with the return on the investment that I talked about so you lent me the money, your hard-earned money is being used to impress someone else so that they fall into my clutches. We take this very thing that is of such central importance to you and we abuse it. We disrespect and we trade it just like a commodity.
When you eventually realise your trust has been shattered and this has happened repeatedly. When you finally wake up and join the dots. When you see the flagrant breaches of your trust, when the evidence is irrefutable and painful, we may well have gone. Not only have we abused your trust but we have left without explanation or reason, leaving you to deal with the aftermath alone as we move on to the next target and begin gaining their trust. Like any confidence trickster it is necessary for us to gain trust before we are able to abuse it. Not only do we hurt you repeatedly through these actions we do so to such an extent, with so many people and with so many people aware of it, other than you until the last moment. This wide-ranging and wholesale desecration of trust, this tarnishing and defacing of the truth leaves you broken and unable to face the totality of the truth. You cannot comprehend that you have been conned so extensively and so often. You cannot bear the sensation that arises from having been made to look so foolish. You held your trust up as something to be proud of and now you are left to rue your reliance on this as you hear the repeated comments of “Told you so”, “Didn’t you notice?” and “You are too trusting.” You equate trust with the truth. Our abuse of your trust causes you to not want to accept the truth of what we have done.
38 thoughts on “A Question of Trust”
Kevin Spacey video re: Felony sex assault:
“You trusted me even though you knew you shouldn’t… They may have tried to separate us, but what we have is too strong, too powerful… So we’re not done, no matter what anyone says… I know what you want, you want me back.”
Narcissism is coming out of the woodwork these days & public awareness is starting.
HG, have you considered putting all of your stories on narcsite into one book and having a publisher market it and sell it?
There are too many for one book.
Considering the many books that he has already published, with the many stories and articles from narcsite in them already, and some that are not………..
well it would take a lot of data space, or weigh more than the 100# boxes of paper I used to drag to my press.
Amazon would not take kindly to having to ship that monstrosity for free in 2 days!
Any publisher would love the easy multiple books sales he already has going on.
But he doesn’t need the help of a standard publishing house. He has created his own publicity.
Still, it’s more likely to end up on the top ten sellers list if a big publisher is marketing it to a wider audience.
That is true, it is something I am considering.
Also, Stephen King: “To write is human, To edit is divine”. Cleaning up the typos and structure wouldn’t hurt.
Kel, I have learned to overlook the errors because, as a loyal reader, I understand why they are there. That said, I would love to be a proofreader for HG. My payment would be to have early access to new work. I imagine HG pounding away frantically at his keyboard to get his thoughts on paper and having zero time to go back and proofread. We know he is brilliant, but my fear is that he won’t be taken as seriously as he should because of something so petty as typos. As an HR professional, I have been known to toss resumes because of spelling and grammatical errors. I may be discounting a potential stellar employee, but one cannot underestimate the value of the first impression .
Yes they annoy me also and as you have identified owing to time constraints I have to focus on the value of the content over the odd typo. I am looking currently at some proofreading options however and it is always better for someone else to do it rather than the author – wood for the trees and all that.
It would be an honor to help with proofreading. Keep me in mind.
It is WordPress. I do not like this outlet, especially for cellphone and tablet users.
I recall only one typo amongst all these books listed below, however, the authors of these books have absolutely no idea what they are dealing with and their advice/knowledge is poor at best and dangerous at worst.
Should I Stay or Should I Go: Surviving A Relationship with a Narcissist, by by Ph.D. Ramani Durvasula,
Identifying and Understanding the Narcissistic Personality by Elsa Ronningstam.
In Sheep’s Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative
by George K. Simon Ph.D.
The Gaslighting Effect: A Revealing Look at Psychological Manipulation and Narcissistic Abuse
by Reva Steenbergen
K, I agree. The ratio of typos to text is certainly not an indication of the accuracy of the information. It is petty, but can make a big difference in the reader’s perception.
You are right and I agree; it is petty and shortsighted, as well.
K, HG is an excellent communicator. I love his work. I want everybody to respect what he has to say. Typos are a small thing, but they could keep him from being taken seriously. I wouldn’t want something so petty to keep him from becoming mainstream. Read the reviews. Take away the typos. Let them focus on the message instead.
As much as I hate to write it, you have a point.
I don’t care if HG writes the articles in Crayola Crayons with run-on sentences; it is the only accurate information re: NPD on the entire globe.
Don’t feel compelled to read through the links, focus on the titles.
“The best people for certain jobs may not have perfect résumés. Oh, sure, they’ll have the skills you need, but you might spot a “their” that should be “there” or vice versa. Many hiring managers reject such people on the spot. Research suggests that this may be a bad idea.”
“Typos are made because we’re so busy trying to convey meaning that we don’t always notice when we’ve made an error”
K, Crayola crayons 😂 Love it! I’d read anything the man writes too.
I do agree with the article (and HG) that the author is not the best one to proofread.
I stand firm that a resume/CV is a professional document and as such should be free of spelling, grammar, and formatting mistakes. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. To me, it’s like showing up for a job interview in a wrinkled shirt.
Now I just feel like a grammar jerk.
Ha ha ha….Crayola should make colors like Pea Green with Pathological Envy, Dark Slate Blue of Devaluation and a black and white crayon called Split Thinking.
You are not a jerk. Because of the way I grew up, my perspective is different.
Love your crayons. When does your paint line come out? I’d like to pitch jujing up my naughty step with Terrorizing Tangerine with the Boss’s approval.
Ha ha ha…I am working with the Pantone Color Institute on a limited edition line of Narcissistic Hues for the Home. Initially, the bedroom blows hot with the manufactured passion of Simmering Scarlet of Seduction but then blows cold with the color Winter Wizard Blue of Withdrawal.
When devaluation commences the Volte Face color change enhances the gas lighting effect and the paint also has the ability to revert back to Scarlet during a respite phase.
Spellcheck is just a mouse click away too.
Trust is not destroyed forever, it is, like many feelings and thoughts, temporary. Narc abuse should not destroy what is inherently inside those of us who have been victimized. Again, it is temporary, at best, just as the narcs feeling of omnipotence is temporary and must be fueled by outside sources rather than being fed his or her own well.
I hope the writings Mr. Tudor is putting forth scares the h*ll out of people enough to stay away from similar scenarios he has so eloquently, yet chillingly, described.
HG, are you a big fan of Depeche Mode? I feel like I’ve read so many references 🙂
I know a song or two of theirs.
Depeche Mode is HG’s favorite band.
Lol K, I am late to the party 🙂
Ha ha ha…no worries, the vets will keep you updated.
My take: Massive Narc red flag: they’re Depheche Mode fans.
Most Narcs I’ve known hate music and neveristen to it. Others claim to love music (in fact, what a coincidence! They love the *same* music as you do, even the obscure sh!t no one’s heard of), but are really using the powerful associations we have with music to seduce, get in your head, and control you. Am sure HG wrote an article on this somewhere.
But the one band they all seem to legit like and actually connect with us Depeche Mode.
HG: Is that accurate? Is there something about Depeche Mode that Narcs identify with? If so, what would you say it is?
Not a blasphemous rumor.
After 20 years, you see patterns in people…like idealize, devalue, discard… and Depeche Mode.
Interesting. Mine has the most basic taste in music. Really only listens to 80s and refers to music from Poison, AC/DC “the classics.” (We are both gen X-ers)
I’m a big DM fan and can see why an upper narc would identify melodically and lyrically. Something dark about it while staying close to mainstream.
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