As I think back recalling my childhood, the sounds and sights are not that of a typical home or upbringing.
You were an in intimidating beast, at a height of 6;4 and you were pure muscle weighing in around 280lbs. You had platnum blonde hair, and crystal clear blue eyes. Those eyes made women swoon, and made me shudder with fear.
When you came into our life we had been on the run from a motorcycle gang mom had involved herself with. We had contracts on our head. I was relieved to have a bed again, after so many nights sleeping in the car, and moving from place to place always looking over our shoulder.
We were both thankful for you. You love bombed us both in the early months. I thought you could do anything. You were my hero. I remember sitting in your lap and asking, “will you be my daddy?” you smiled convincingly, and said ‘There is nothing that would make me happier.” I wrapped my tiny arms around your neck, happy that I had found my forever family, and my happiliy ever after.
Until you shattered that dream one day. I had been instructed to purchase you cigarrettes from the convenient store 3 blocks from our home. I was five years old. I did not deviate from the path, but I did walk slowly humming and singing to myself happy and content in my world.
When I opened the front door upon returning you grabbed me by my hair and dragged me to my bedroom.You instructed me to bend over the bed. I did so as I cried and asked, “What did I do daddy?”
You swung down on me with that belt, God you swung down on me so many times. You did not spank me. You beat me from head to toe. The beating was so severe, my little body lost control and I urinated all over myself. When you were done you said, “your mother has broke down and has been waiting because you were out fucking off!” you turned and left the room to go get my mother.
I slowly got up from the ground where I had collapsed, and you had left me in a bloody urine-soaked heap. I gingerly made my way to the bathroom and peeled my clothes off of my injured tiny frame. I was shocked when I saw what you had done. I had open lacerations all over. I had even more disturbing deep bruising that one could visibly see blood pulling under the skin. A hematoma I believe by definitoin, but the word does not give it enough weight when seeing it in the mind´s eye.
I cried softly, as I washed my body gently removing the blood and urine. I dressed slowly as I heard the front door and my mother talking to you. She called out for me as she did every day wishing to say hello.
I walked out of the bathroom walking stiffly so my clothes did not rub on my wounds. Mom looked down at me with a confused grimace. “What’s wrong baby?”
I glanced at you. You did not look at me, but I knew instinctively it best to not out you now.
“Nothing mommy.” I said as I looked back to my mother.
“I am sorry you had to wait on me while I was at the store”
Mom patted my head and smiled, “it’s not your fault baby. There is no way you could know I had broke down.”
Later that evening when I had a moment alone with my mother, I showed her my injuries. She gasped,, pondered for a moment, and said “Well baby, you should have been faster.”
I learned in that moment, that she would never help me. I know now it´s because you had twisted her mind with your narcissistic thinking. You had long before poisoned her against me. You had told her that I would make up things, and say I was abused for attention. You pointed out kids on television and the news as examples and warned what I would turn into withoutu proper discipline.
Going forward you never wore the mask for me again. I did not see kindness from you ever again. The rule was, if I had to be seen, then I should not be heard. You preferred I not be seen, or simply not exist. Beatings were common place to the point I considered killing you in your sleep to make it stop. Thankfully, something inside me that is good remained untouched by you.
I, in your mind, was an extension of you. Therefore, I must be perfect. I got up everyday to go through a 3 hour process to get ready for the day. My hair, makeup and clothes all had to be perfect. Anything out of placed would be punished swiftly.
My grades were to be A’s and nothing less than that. If I recieved a B, I would get a warning and grounded until the next report card was issued. If I recieved a C, a beating, and grounding. The grounding entailed I be in my room with no television, radio, or phone. I could read. This was the only acceptable activity. I was allowed to come out of my room to eat meals, and go to school.
Anything I competed in, I must be 1st place. If I was not how would you brag and show how superior you were to your friends. Second place was severely punished. I recall my coaches in my acitvities being very confused by my reaction to a lesser placement. I could not tell them. I could tell no one what was happening. You had made clear if I did, you would kill me. I believe you might have.
You made me believe that I was just looking for attention if I tried to tell my mother anything. You made me believe that I was lazy, useless, worthless and stupid.
You began making passes at me by age 15. You were drinking heavily in those days. I raised my fists to fight back, and it feels like I have never stopped fighting since.
You quit bothering me very much once I started to fight back. You beat me every time, but I became more of a hassle than I was worth. By this time, I was an angry young woman. I was lashing out at everything and everyone I could. Getting into fights was common. I was feared. I liked that feeling and it scared me. I liked that feeling because you controlled every part of my life, but not this. I could control thru fear just as you had me. I was at risk for becoming you
One day I attacked a girl for a rumour she had spread about me. I lost my mind. I saw red. I recall the sounds she made as my fists made contact. She did not fight back. I recall her eyes looking at me in terror, and her hands raised to fend me off, and the grunts of pain as I landed blows. My boyfriend pulled me off of her. I sat and cried for hours. I vowed never, ever to do that again. I refuse to be you!
I have never done that again. You did not win. I am not you. I do not try to intimidate, I do not hurt people for no reason, I do not try to make people feel bad about themselves. I love with a heart that has a capacity that can not be measured. I give freely and generously out of that love. I am known for my compassion and empathy. I believe in fighting for the weak, the old, the sick, the broken, and the under dog. The only time i lift my fists today, are for those reasons alone. My children, have never known the lash of the belt once in their entire lives, and thank god they never will. You never got to shape who they would become, and harm them in any way. I made sure of that.
You died alone. What more should one say in your eulogy?
May God have mercy on you.