To enable people to understand the dynamics and behaviours associated with narcissism and especially to enable them to then understand how similar behaviours has impacted on them by utilising a high profile example, the analysis continues following further activity. This analysis will assist in dissecting behaviours seen in narcissism and also the responses of a narcissist to the actions of other people.
1. Phone Alone
It was reported that since Miss Markle had returned to Canada to be with son Archie as explained in A Very Royal Narcissist – Part 9 she would join the Sandringham Summit, which took place on Monday 13th January by telephone.
The failure to attend the summit is a manifestation of
- Grandiosity ( Unconscious Response – “I am doing something more important than to grace you with my response”)
- Plausible Deniability and Facade Management (Conscious Response -“I am not going to be there because I am looking after Archie”)
- Blame-Shifting (Unconscious Response -“Harry, you need to sort this out because you will be there and if you do not, it is your fault.”)
- Lack of Accountability (Unconscious Response -“I do not need to be there because I am not accountable for my what I do, it is never my fault.”)
- Sense of Entitlement (Unconscious Response – “I do what I want, not what others want me to do.”)
- Need For Control (Unconscious Response – “I am not going to attend and give you control by being summoned to you, instead I will assert control by leaving BUT I will join in by telephone because I CHOOSE that (you chose to summon me) and thus I have control”)
- Lack of Emotional Empathy (Unconscious Response – “I am leaving Harry to deal with any flack.” “I do not have to be respectful to the Queen of England.”)
However, Her Majesty the Queen determined that there was to be no conference call. This is not because the Queen knows exactly what she is dealing with (although she has come across plenty of narcissists in her time and through a combination of her experience and sage advice from those who know what is happening) but because she knows enough to avoid further difficulties. The Queen needed to ensure the summit was confidential and she would not know who might be listening in with Miss Markle at the other end and thus stated she could not join in by conference call.)
What would this decision have done? Somebody would have conveyed that decision to Miss Markle and whoever did so will likely have conveyed it with some emotional content (puzzlement, irritation, sympathy, understanding to be just a few of the potential candidates) and thus would have provided fuel. There was no wounding. However, the Queen´s decision would amount to a Challenge to Miss Markle because it did not accord with what she wanted to do and therefore would be Challenge Fuel.
(To understand precisely how you only ever have three types of interaction with the narcissist, what they are what happens utilise this Logic Bulletin The 3 Key Interactions With the Narcissist )
What would Miss Markle´s response to this Challenge Fuel be? It would be a threat to her control which means she must respond by asserting control. Ordinarily, this is done over the protagonist (i.e. the person who has caused the threat to control in the first place) namely the Queen. This will not have been possible. Miss Markle would not have been able to contact the Queen and argue the toss about being able to have the conference call (although she may well have tried this route and been thwarted) and thus she could not assert control over the Queen.
In such circumstances the narcissist must still assert control but does so by asserting it over by somebody else and in the mind of the narcissist, the gaining of fuel and asserting control over the other person, causes them to believe (from the narcissistic perspective) that they have control over the protagonist and thus all is well (for now) in the world of the narcissist. This is the process of Narcissistic Transference.
Who would this be? Most likely Prince Harry. As the Intimate Partner Primary Source to Miss Markle, she would have contacted him and made it very clear what the joint (her) position was with regard to the stepping back, that he had better ensure it is done (Issuing of Threat) or there will be problems (Threatened Loss) or you will fail to make me happy/you will upset me (Use of Guilt) and if you do this when we will be fine (Promised Gain). Prince Harry will have been given his orders in no uncertain terms, although they will not have been issued as such (Plausible Deniability).
Thus, this is why, you , if you have been ensnared by a narcissist will have often found yourself on the receiving end of the narcissist´s unpleasant manipulations because somebody else has either wounded the narcissist or issued challenge fuel and has thus threatened the narcissist´s control. The narcissist cannot affect the protagonist so they turn to YOU and assert control over you by either blaming you, accusing you or whining to you.
An easy example of this is the person who is using a hammer to hammer in a nail, hits his thumb and blames you because you are stood nearby “Look what you made me do”. The person with the hammer is at fault, but they cannot blame themselves, they might assert control over the nail (by lashing at it in a frenzy with the hammer) but it is easier to blame you because you will react and your reaction provides validation and a sense of control to the wielder of the hammer.
2. Emotional Empathy From the Queen and the Statement
As explained in A Very Royal Narcissist – Part 10 the outcome of the Sandringham Summit evidenced emotional empathy on the part of the Queen and most likely the Duke of Cambridge also, with regard to the situation of her grandson and his brother, Prince Harry.
What was actually being stated by the Queen and how would that statement be perceived by Miss Markle?
First, let’s go through the short statement and identify what is also being said by the Queen, from her position of someone who, unlike a narcissist, exhibits Emotional Empathy (for further information see Understanding Empathy : The Difference Between Empath, Normal and Narcissist)
Here is the statement, additional comment in bold and italics.
“Today my family had very constructive discussions on the future of my grandson and his family. (Prince Harry remains one of us and when we talk together, it is sensible and constructive.)
“My family and I are entirely supportive of Harry and Meghan’s desire to create a new life as a young family. Although we would have preferred them to remain full-time working members of the Royal Family, we respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life as a family while remaining a valued part of my family. (We care about Prince Harry and whilst it troubles us that this decision has been made and we suspect that Harry is being unduly influenced, we recognise that it is futile and unhelpful to him to prevent it and therefore we are letting him know that he is cared for and we would rather (and by extension his own family) stayed. We are going to have to let him go on his own way for now, but we are there for him at all times, when he needs us.)
“Harry and Meghan have made clear that they do not want to be reliant on public funds in their new lives. (Message received loud and clear – good luck with that.)
“It has therefore been agreed that there will be a period of transition in which the Sussexes will spend time in Canada and the UK. (We would rather he did not go, but he is going and this appears as compromise for both sides so let’s adopt that for Harry´s sake)
“These are complex matters for my family to resolve, and there is some more work to be done, but I have asked for final decisions to be reached in the coming days.” (We realise it is pointless to try and stop Harry and therefore let’s get on with it.)
How would the statement have been received by Miss Markle?
“Today my family had very constructive discussions on the future of my grandson and his family. (Unconscious Response – “You can call it what you like, we are going, I win, I have control.”)
“My family and I are entirely supportive of Harry and Meghan’s desire to create a new life as a young family. ( Unconscious Sense of Entitlement – “So you should be.”)Although we would have preferred them to remain full-time working members of the Royal Family, we respect and understand their wish to live a more independent life as a family while remaining a valued part of my family. ( Unconscious Sense of Control – “Yes you tried to stop us, but you failed because I am Queen Meghan.”)
“Harry and Meghan have made clear that they do not want to be reliant on public funds in their new lives. ( Unconscious Sense of Control – “Harry did as I told him. Good boy.”) (Unconscious Sense of Control and Entitlement – “Yes, we say that now although of course this may not turn out to actually happen, but for now we needed to say something to ensure we got control so stating financial independence was a way of achieving it, but come on, that does not mean we have to stuck by that, because I do what I want.)
“It has therefore been agreed that there will be a period of transition in which the Sussexes will spend time in Canada and the UK. (Unconscious Sense of Control and Salami Slicing and Entitlement – “I got what I wanted. This period of transition will salami slice Harry away from interfering influences (to the extent I need to retain him) and of course this transition will pan out as I wish.)
“These are complex matters for my family to resolve, and there is some more work to be done, but I have asked for final decisions to be reached in the coming days.” (Unconscious Sense of Control – “Sure thing. I have got what I want, so let’s get this done.”) (The conscious response will be “See, we are doing the right thing for us Harry and we need to be be away from the poison of the British people who do not like us and the awful British media so you can save me just as you wish you could have done for your mother, for which I am truly grateful and truly sorry. See, they agreed with what we are doing, so that proves it is the right thing to do.”) This conscious response will also be what causes many people to be taken in by believing this is what is behind this “stepping back” owing to a lack of understanding about narcissism. Those who have experienced and understand narcissism recognise that it is something else entirely.
3. I Got My Way, So Business As Usual!
Buzzfeed News reported as follows (my commentary in bold and italics)
“Meghan Markle (aka the Duchess of Sussex) visited a women’s centre in Canada amid the global spotlight on her and her husband following their decision to “step back” as senior members of the royal family. ( Unconscious Facade Management – I am a good person, see the good I do, even when there is a storm around me.) (Unconscious Triangulation – Do you see me Britain, I am not there and I am feeling good and doing good, jealous yet?)
In a Facebook post Tuesday, the Downtown Eastside Women’s Centre (DEWC) shared an image of staffers posing for a photograph with Meghan earlier that day. (Delusion of Possessing Empathy – exhibiting a believed emotional empathy (which does not exist as demonstrated by the various other manipulations detailed in previous articles) and instead is a demonstration of Cognitive Empathy, which some but not all, narcissists operate with.)
“High levels of violence, homelessness, addictions and poverty characterize the Downtown Eastside community. Women and children are particularly vulnerable to exploitation, injustice and injury,” the organisation said on its website.
“The DEWC is one of the busiest women’s centers in the country, operating a low-barrier drop-in center and emergency night shelter in the Downtown Eastside. By connecting members to a continuum of care and a community, we empower them towards positive change,” the site added.
Meghan’s brother-in-law and sister-in-law the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge (aka Prince William and Kate Middleton) visited a nearby centre in Vancouver’s Downtown Eastside area during their Canadian tour in 2016. (Mirroring and Triangulation – again remember this is done unconsciously.)
Accordingly, Miss Markle with her control (in her world) maintained over principally Prince Harry (who as her IPPS is the most important person to assert control over) and members of the Royal Family (because ultimately they backed down (for Harry´s sake) and thus allowed control to continue) feels all is well in her world. The Facade Management continues and it is also important to point out that whilst it is not done out of Emotional Empathy, her visit to the DEWC brings attention to the issues faced by that community and the Women’s Centre there which is a positive outcome. Doubtless the people working and attending the centre enjoyed the visit also, another positive outcome. As those of you know, there are many upsides to spending time with a narcissist HOWEVER for many, this comes with a considerable downside and one which it is never worth tolerating and accepting. Narcissists achieve much in the world, but there is always a cost to someone, somewhere.
To understand more about narcissism and how it may have impacted on you previously or is impacting on you now, utilise further materials provided through the links below