Troublesome Toilet Time


The stock markets are tanking.

The pub is closed.

People´s health is at risk.

As are livelihoods.

To cap it all, some selfish epsilon semi-moron (probably a Lower Mid Range Narcissist) has just filled his trolly with the last remaining rolls of 4ply quilted luxurious toilet paper from your supermarket.

To ease the anguish caused by potential troublesome toilet times, have 50% off everything in The Knowledge Vault

Use code toiletpaper19 at the checkout in The Knowledge Vault

This offer will continue for as long as it takes for a roll to unravel…..


55 thoughts on “Troublesome Toilet Time

  1. Asp Emp says:

    OMFG. I remember that ‘troubling’ time and all those images of empty shelves everywhere. Fuuuu*****cccckkkkkiing hell.

    I loved your words describing “To cap it all, some selfish epsilon semi-moron (probably a Lower Mid Range Narcissist) has just filled his trolly with the last remaining rolls of 4ply quilted luxurious toilet paper from your supermarket”.

    The image of this article reminds me of a particular book I’ve got (laughing)……

  2. WokeAF says:

    Trying to purchase the Coparenting packages& flying monkeys- no prompt for a code, what am I missing?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      The place for a discount code, ha ha.

      It is there, try again.

      1. WokeAF says:

        Wtf I tried four times then I go back one more time and it’s there.
        Woot! Thanks HG here we gooooo FINALLY coparenting package
        If he’s not a narc I’ll feel like a tool tho lmfao

        1. Violetta says:

          HG gave it a Brady look. Sorted.

  3. Cloudy says:

    I took the whole year off.

  4. Renarde says:

    The lovely Vi has gently but firmly had words with Ren Towers and reminded me of the dangers of FB. And that I should be listening to HG instead. And petting the Overlords.

    I have heeded this advice.

    More Sparkles for me.

    1. Violetta says:

      Wish I had some overlords to pet. Visited a friend before the shutdown. His roommate’s cat is always friendly, but usually would rather chase the laser pointer than cuddle up. The roommate is finishing his pharma degree out of town, and the cat was frantically scent-marking me and having me skritch behind his ears and under his chin. He jumps on my friend’s chest in the morning to wake him up. I asked my friend why he didn’t close the door to his bedroom, but he said it would be too cruel when the roommate is gone and the cat can’t go down the hall and bother him instead. He finds it less annoying to have the cat jump on his chest than have him stand out in the hall, yowling in outrage.

      1. Renarde says:


        Friend is right. My god, can cats yowl. My cats are not spoiled, I dont agree with that (Mum feeds her lovely Collie minced lamb!), but they are the only three beings that utterly control me. As the MME said, your cats are narcs! Takes one to know one bud!

        Actually, they dont. And they can make excuses for each others’ behaviour.

        The MME had a best bud who is I percieve a MMS. The stories I’d heard before we had even met were worrying. I think they were functioning as each others’ lieutenants. With the MME having the slight edge. A fascinating dynamic to observe. I once said to MME, I wouldnt trust the MMS as far as I could throw him. Despite that, when we met, I liked him. But still did not trust.

        So how can these characters not see what is patently obvious to an external observer?

        When the MME and I were together, tickets to events would appear from the MMS. That’s why I know the Elite was in control. But only so far. We once had a huge debate about the meaning of altruism. I won. Well at least in my own head.

  5. Renarde says:


    I was almost knocked over today in my local by one of those big cages filled with toilet paper!

    She apologised. I would’ve jumped out of the way quicker but was AMAZED at this sight.

    Remember! There is always the DM!

  6. Claire says:

    As usual, the Dark Angel aka HG Tudor brightens our day with his magnificent sense of humour and generosity👍🏻🙂!
    Thank you, Sir!

    There were fights over toilet paper last weekend in Sydney and Melbourne stores, the police intervened and charged the offenders.
    Believe or not, friends, police officers are going to patrol the shelves with toilet paper in order to prevent fights and buying over the imposed limits in our major supermarkets. Not that I have seen any toilet paper on the shelves last 2 weeks. Even the most popular feminine hygiene products are gone!

    1. theletterafterj says:

      There was a verbal altercation over donuts last month at Bingo and I thought there was gonna be a fist fight over the Trolls; it’s a rough crowd!

  7. Violetta says:

    Afterwards I wiped my bum, said Gargantua, with a kerchief, with a pillow, with a pantoufle, with a pouch, with a pannier, but that was a wicked and unpleasant torchecul; then with a hat. Of hats, note that some are shorn, and others shaggy, some velveted, others covered with taffeties, and others with satin. The best of all these is the shaggy hat, for it makes a very neat abstersion of the fecal matter.

    Afterwards I wiped my tail with a hen, with a cock, with a pullet, with a calf’s skin, with a hare, with a pigeon, with a cormorant, with an attorney’s bag, with a montero, with a coif, with a falconer’s lure. But, to conclude, I say and maintain, that of all torcheculs, arsewisps, bumfodders, tail-napkins, bunghole cleansers, and wipe-breeches, there is none in the world comparable to the neck of a goose, that is well downed, if you hold her head betwixt your legs. And believe me therein upon mine honour, for you will thereby feel in your nockhole a most wonderful pleasure, both in regard of the softness of the said down and of the temporate heat of the goose, which is easily communicated to the bum-gut and the rest of the inwards, in so far as to come even to the regions of the heart and brains. And think not that the felicity of the heroes and demigods in the Elysian fields consisteth either in their asphodel, ambrosia, or nectar, as our old women here used to say; but in this, according to my judgment, that they wipe their tails with the neck of a goose, holding her head betwixt their legs, and such is the opinion of Master John of Scotland, alias Scotus.

    Rabelais – Gargantua and Pantagruel

    1. Licinia says:

      omfg. . .i now understand the reference made in SCOTUSblog!

  8. E. B. says:

    Ha ha ha – I have just read this post. This is hilarious !! 🙂

  9. SoldierOfLuv says:

    Whoop whoop ! 🥳

  10. Pingback: Troublesome Toilet Time ⋆ NarcTopia
  11. WokeAF says:

    Lol HG! This is cool of you – esp since Canada is beginning to be hit by COVID. And jobs are closing up- kids dad -cook–restaurant shut. Daughter is a hair stylist- salon closing Friday. Canucjs will be struggling but apparently measures are in place for govt relief soon so appreciate your generosity. I think I’ve bought most of your stock anyhow LOL

    By the way, is our PM going under the Tudorscope soon?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is a queue for the Tudorscope at the present time.

  12. CandaceMarie says:

    I had to borrow toilet paper because the shelves were empty 😑

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Make sure it was not used toilet paper. Easy to tell.

  13. Renarde says:

    Ha ha! Oh HG! Only you!

    As to unravelling. My Overlords AKA The Cats can do it in 20s flat.

    The swines!

  14. Esther says:

    “some selfish epsilon semi-moron (probably a Lower Mid Range Narcissist) has just filled his trolly with the last remaining rolls of 4ply quilted luxurious toilet paper from your supermarket.” – Indeed. And there is plenty of them here in this area. Lol that was really funny to read though 😂 thank you for brightening up my day HG!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  15. sharyn227 says:

    Hi, be nothing new to you HG, however something aside – 300 years before Freud, Shakespeare coined narcissism perfectly in Sonnet 62 – google it – you’ll be surprised these troglodyte’s roamed the earth even then!

    So much to learn so little time…

  16. Pati says:

    HG, i just read this I cant stop laughing. I really like your sense of humour during this tough time.
    I would settle for any ply as long as it does the trick.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you

      1. Pati says:

        Anytime! 😁

    2. Kim e says:

      Pati. Careful Pati. You might get “ply” wood….ouch 😂😂😂

      1. Pati says:

        Haha I hope not I also bought diaper rash cream just in case haha.
        I just watched the movie Contagion last night I am in panic mode. I wish I was like HG no fear,but I cant help it.
        Great movie though.

        1. WokeAF says:

          Follow up Contagion with Burning a blunt and watching This Is The End. It’ll lighten up the apocalypse.

        2. Cloudy says:

          Ive seen this movie.

          Reminds me of this virus thats created this crisis

    3. Lorelei says:

      It is funny till you are down to the last square! I’m good for a month. Unfortunately we have limited gowns/masks at work and I’m often the first one that sees these people. I’ve been told to reuse gowns. It really is not good, patients are stealing things as well. (tissues, toilet paper, masks)

      1. Mercy says:

        Lorelei, my daughter works in the hospital too. She said they are locking up their masks and gowns. They have to sign them out when they need one. Not a good situation. Be safe, you’re on the front line.

        1. Lorelei says:

          Yes same—masks are scarce and we have to keep what we have. The ANA is going bananas over a lack of equipment—reusing gowns is not ideal. We do not have enough of the proper masks. I’m off now for nearly two weeks, but have to self quarantine until at least a patient comes back as negative that I was exposed to early this morning. Substantial exposure with a negative flu she had so I need to be mindful. Takes up to 3-4 days. I am not sure how this will look in a few weeks. At that point I’ll be constantly exposed so do I stay in quasi-quarantine? Likely. And I suppose that’s the point anyway of not going anywhere..

          1. Mercy says:

            Lorelei, This could actually be a good thing for you (if the patient’s test comes back negative). Take the 2 weeks. You will be needed even more when you go back. You need to be healthy when the need is greater. Hopefully by then they will deliver on the protective gear the government keeps promising. I’m sure it will be hard to sit on the sidelines for the next 2 weeks but you can’t help if your not healthy yourself.

            I’m currently on rotation at work. I work in a government building and they have shut down to the public. Our office is still working but they decided yesterday that we will rotate 7 days off 7 days on to limit exposure. Walking out of work yesterday was very unsettling. Any other time I’d be thrilled to have a week off. I’m going to have to keep very busy around my house so I don’t dwell on what’s happening and what our future holds.

          2. Lorelei says:

            The spike won’t hit while I’m off—there will be a time though that HG’s bath water analogy is akin to our spike. We will be treading water at best. I’m already sick with a sore throat and cold symptoms but it’s not flu-like. This is basically a flu we didn’t have people vaccinated for. Truly. An unprecedented number—everyone. It’s infrequent a true medical scientist doesn’t flu vaccine for themselves. I am cautious when nurses (or other people working in medical areas carry on about how they don’t get the vaccine. Many nurses (and other professionals) aren’t scientists—and have influence making these statements. Evidence overwhelmingly supports flu vaccines, period. A non-scientist will grab onto shards of info that they aren’t properly educated to assimilate, and we already have an issue with vaccine resistance. This is not designed to be a pro-vaccine statement to invite discord—it’s just the reason behind why we don’t shut the world down each flu season and we weren’t prepared for this. The reason we get away with flu vaccine resistance each year is mainly due to the herd of people that do vaccinate and, while there are vaccine “failures” the benefit is startling when you look at this by comparison.

          3. Mercy says:

            Lorelei, I agree with what you say. People need to educate themselves with facts. A good example of unqualified advise is our own leader saying that this is like the regular flu. People think he’s the president so he should know right? Wrong, listen to the experts.

          4. Lorelei says:

            Correct—but we won’t know statistically what it is for sure by comparison until it’s over. Each year of a “flu” season we have offers a variable presentation of
            Information. Even if the overall death rate from this, vs. run-of-the-mill flu is say lower—the impact is still much more substantial due to volume. I expect we run out of morgue beds. Occasionally I would when I worked administrative. (Always an easy fix—but now it will require many levels of planning..)

          5. K says:

            I am on the Google Machine looking at how to knit hospital face masks right now!

          6. Mercy says:

            Haha K, I’ve been looking up diy face masks too!!

          7. K says:

            I am considering knitting one for my daughter. People are walking around in public wearing N95 masks while hospital’s struggle to get protective gear. It’s nuts.

          8. Mercy says:

            Well I’m SOL because I can’t knit or sew. I can remodel a bathroom but I have no skills with a needle and thread.

          9. K says:

            Hahaha…I couldn’t remodel a bathroom if my life depended on it! If I knit a mask, I will switch up the gravatar.

          10. Mercy says:

            K the 2 hospitals in my city have posted diy face mask instructions and are asking any seamstress to help make mask for their staff. The mask have a pocket to a filter can be inserted and then discarded but the mask can be laundered. Thought I’d share with you since we were talking about it.

          11. K says:

            Thank you Mercy
            My daughter is online looking at YouTube videos that demonstrate how to use one ventilator for four patients and she asked me if we still had the hot glue gun and glue sticks so she can make masks.

            There is a serious lack of PPE (personal protective equipment).

          12. Mercy says:

            I know K, I watch and read the news every day and every day they say they have a plan to get PPE. It’s so frustrating. Less talk and more action would be nice.

          13. Violetta says:

            I can’t knit, can sew some. Might see if I can find some of those wipes at the dollar store and fashion a mask with that and duct tape when I run out (I use cheap paint masks when cleaning for allergies, so I had them anyway).

            No tp so far, but I have cotton balls and cotton pads. Moistened with warm water and with a last going over with a dry paper towel (gently) they will do well enough. Not to be flushed of course.

            I think the UK has different disposal laws for putting things like that in the garbage, but one DM reader said they can go into nappy/diaper disposal bags and then be binned.

            Sorry if this is TMI. Some people can’t use bidets.

          14. NarcAngel says:

            Dollar store reminds me…

            A few years ago there was a discussion at work about who would start the next war. China came up and there was talk about missiles. I said we didn’t need to worry about missiles and they asked how I was so sure about that. I replied: Why bother with missiles when they can use biological warfare easily distributed through the dollar stores we love to frequent for cheap crap and mylar balloons. I don’t smile when I kid. You should have seen the look on their faces haha.

            The masks are probably okay but I still wouldn’t trust the pregnancy tests.

          15. Lorelei says:

            I have cotton balls.

  17. WhoCares says:

    Just saw this – haha, HG!

  18. K says:

    When I try to check out, there’s no place for me to apply the discount code. I am not sure if others are having issues, as well.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is there, I have checked again.

      1. K says:

        Okee Dokee.

  19. Cloudy says:


    Looks like this lower mid ranger will clog his toilet with the 4 ply


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