Does the Narcissist Think About You Afterwards



The narcissist has disengaged from you. No matter what position you are in the fuel matrix, you are likely to wonder “Does the narcissist still think about me?” The answer to this common question can apply to any appliance but it is most asked by the disengaged IPPS because it is the IPPS who is disengaged from more than any other appliance.

Naturally, if you try to contact us post disengagement, through text message, telephone call, personal appearance and so forth, we will naturally be made to think about you. However, this article addresses the situation where you have not contacted us. We are disengaged from you and there is no contact between us and you. Are we thinking about you? Are we wondering how you are doing? Are we laughing at you? Are we plotting against you? Are we designing the hoover? Are we regretting our decisions? Are we comparing you to whoever we are with now and concluding we lost someone fantastic and rue our hastiness to get rid of you? Are we reflecting on the joyous days of the golden period? Are we thinking about what you are doing, where you are going and who you are with?

Your mind becomes a whirling thought engine as the questions loom and dart about your mind like swooping spirits. Why did he do this? What did I do wrong? Where has he gone? Why won’t he talk to me? Is he with someone else now? How could he treat me like this? These questions and many of a similar nature remain at the forefront of your mind. They are exhausting as you grapple to find the answers, always achieving an unsuccessful outcome because invariably you do not know who has actually disengaged from you. Your emotional thinking wants you repeatedly thinking about us, causing you to feed the addiction, causing you to lament, analyse, reflect, reminisce, ponder, scrutinise, worry and dissect.

I cast you to one side, you did not leave me and cause me to apply an Initial Grand Hoover in order to bring you back under my spell. I saw no need for you anymore and therefore I was content to throw you on the scrap  heap, broken and spent, a broken appliance left to its own considerations and dwelling heavily on this cruel treatment.

One of the questions which charges around your mind as you try to sleep is does he think about me? Do I ever feature in his thoughts? Does he think about what I am doing? Does he recall the good times?  You wonder whether I am lying on my bed in a similar state of anxiety, mulling over what has happening. Your thoughts spill and tumble and whilst you want to dispel these memories you cannot help but want to embrace them, experiencing that bitter sweet sensation of both delight and agony –  of course this is being driven by your emotional thinking which is wanting to feed your addiction to me.

You try to get into a comfortable position hoping that slumber will soon drag you into unconsciousness so that the pain will evaporate, if just for a few hours. Yet, even the place you now lie in evokes the image of you and I coupled together, wrapped up in one another as we made love through the night, or at least you felt we made love. Did we actually make love to one another? Did I really love you? You know you loved me, indeed you still do, but what of me?

Yet again a question leaps into your mind. I am everywhere. You consider whether I think about the treatment that you have received and do I feel guilty for behaving that way? Do I have a reason for hurling you to one side so callously and am I wondering whether you are all right? Your truth seeking empathic trait is being seized on and corrupted by your emotional thinking. It drives you to want answers and you are left believing that such a driver is logical and should be addressed. It keeps the thought of me in your head, going round and round, question after question, ensuring that your emotional thinking is alive and surging.

Just as you hold onto the precious memories of the golden period you wonder whether I am similarly replaying them through my mind, recalling the wonderful times, the delicious things we did together. You can summon it all in such detail. The places we went to, the other people there, what day of the week it was, even the exact date. You remember what we wore, what we ate and what was said as the memories tumble through your head. As the clock shows it is now closer to morning than it was to the evening, you wonder whether I am thinking about you in a similar fashion?

While you toss and turn in your bed which resembles a place to be endured rather than a place of comfort, I am fast asleep. From the moment my head touched the pillow I fell asleep free from thoughts about you. No imp sits on my shoulder jabbing me with a precious memory and keeping me from sleeping. Whilst you ruminate, cogitate, fathom and review, I am oblivious to everything. During my waking hours you do not invade my consciousness. There is too much to be done, too much fuel to extract as I deal with looking after and nurturing the new primary source of my fuel which replaced you. You have been deleted because you failed me (at least in my mind that is the case) and therefore you have been erased from the record. The narcissism demands that. You are of no use to me and therefore you are erased, deleted, removed and wiped away.

Truth be told it was more of an overlap with both you and her supplying me fuel until the old stale trickle was switched off and dumped. In my mind you never existed. My fixation with the new prospect and her golden, delicious, potent fuel means that everything is focussed on her. Her seduction and the maintenance of fuel dominates my mind save when I am extracting my fuel from the range of supplementary sources that I interact with throughout the day. I may drink from the mug you once bought me to recognise I support a particular football team but there is no flicker of recognition about you. I do not halt, cup in hand, halfway to my mouth and smile at that trip to the stadium when you insisted on buying half the contents in order to please me. It is just a mug to me but the tea contained in it and prepared by my new prospect is delicious and I tell her so. Her beaming smile provides me with that dollop of fuel as expected. To me it is just a mug bearing the crest of my football team. The link you had to that piece of ceramic has been severed and cast into the abyss. The narcissism demands that must be the case – your replacement governs our thoughts and actions now and therefore there is no need to be reminded of you, that is redundant and as effective and efficient machines, we reject the redundant, jettison the unnecessary and remove the failed.

I may still wear the jumper you bought me but I never consider that weekend away in the highlands when I complained about being cold so you purchased it for me. Either the thought never manifests or if it does I cast it to one aside, dismissing it and you in one fell swoop. I have no need for you now, I do not need your fuel, character traits or residual benefits as they are provided by your replacement and the other reliable members of the fuel matrix. As for control, my dismissal of you is my way of controlling you.  I may walk past someone who wears the same fragrance as you. Either I do not remember you as I smell it or if I do, I cast you aside in an instant, banishing the thought and asserting control over you through this dismissive response. Contrast this with the way you remember me when you smell my cologne and you remember me next to you and that emptiness washes over you once again. I just think that it is a pleasant scent and carry on walking by. It is as if I have pressed delete and you have been erased. You never existed, your thoughts, words and actions all melt away. Your connections to me are severed, your presence eradicated and your memory denied. I have switched off that appliance and everything associated with it has been obliterated. We do not think of you because at this point we have no need to think of you. You serve no purpose to us and therefore remembering you and I is a redundant exercise and a waste of our time and energy. You are either not thought of, or if you do manifest in our minds we quickly reject you. We must not waste anything and thus the instinctive impact of our narcissism ensures you are either not thought of or we dismiss the thought.

When we have disengaged from you and we have done so because we have a new Intimate Partner Primary Source we do not think about you. If you enter our spheres of influence by messaging us, ringing us, walking by us or even coming to see us, you can expect at best a cold and polite short moment of recognition before we move on and at worst a malign response to send you away in hurt and pain. You failed us – we no longer want or need you. You have been replaced and therefore you are stricken from our thoughts and should you ever invade our sphere of influences in another way, we maintain this rejection of you.

For some you will be thought of after we have disengaged you where you are the unfortunate recipient of a Malice Campaign, but those are rare and for the vast majority of you, once you have been disengaged from, you are disposed of and not wanted. We have no need of you, we do not need you invading our consciousness and if you do, we soon dismiss you.

However, once the new IPPS enters devaluation (and this person will – that is a guarantee – it is just a question of time) well, then you become useful to us once again and our narcissism alters the record once again. This time you will be remembered, although if truth be told you ought to prefer that you remain cast into obscurity because in all likelihood we will be coming back for you in some form of other to draw again on our investment, to seize our property once again but solely for our benefit.



19 thoughts on “Does the Narcissist Think About You Afterwards

  1. A Victor says:

    Hi Leigh, good job on listening to your stomach. I don’t know if I will yet, in a romantic situation. Hopefully I will, it is the goal. We went to a camp the next state over, a beautiful and peaceful place to be. We’ve been going every summer for the last 20 or so years so this year, after a year of lockdown, it was particularly nice to be back. And yes, very relaxing.

    I have had a thought (oh dear). So, recently I was in a conversation with another person who surprised me in asking a question about me. Actually it has happened twice recently. Both times I was caught off guard, one I was hesitant to answer because it was my boss, but I did and it turned out well. The other just surprised me but it has made me realize that it was nice to be asked. Do you have the experience often of people asking about you? I felt invisible for much of my life, and really like no one would care what I would have to say. I am wondering if that is a typical empath feeling. Also, in my childhood, as an ACON, no one listened to me, asked about me, cared how my day was etc. I think the same happens to some narcissist ACON’s also but their response to it is to get more noticeable, mine was to withdraw. Some empaths would get more noticeable too possibly. So as an adult I have remained largely withdrawn, about my brain-thoughts, that is a term that I said one time, as in “No one knows these brain-thoughts!” and my kids broke up laughing, it seemed to fit here. Anyway, in considering all of this, it also occurred to me that this is one reason I love this blog so much, it is a place to put my thoughts and if others read them, so be it, if not, fine, but I feel like there is someone who may actually care about what I think. I would not share most of what I share here in my real life. And no one would know to ask me about it. I have spoken to people about narcissism and HG’s work, and how much it has helped me but nothing too personal. I have seen others here say that as ACON’s we are not validated so being here I feel validated, and it is very nice. And I have wondered if you have had the same type of experience, as an ACON.

    1. Leigh says:

      By the way, I didn’t get notification for this comment from WordPress but luckily I got an email notification.

      I was just having a conversation with Asp under Protection and realized something very similar. I had said to Asp that I think my self defense mechanism has been to take care of other people and not worry about myself. Its easier to ignore what’s going on with me. If I’m taking care of others, I’m not thinking about myself. I withdraw too. I also feel invisible. I’m also taken aback if someone asks how I’m doing. It doesn’t happen too often and I prefer if people don’t ask how I’m doing. I honestly don’t want to think about how I’m doing. That shit will open up a can of worms! Its obviously unhealthy to ignore my feelings and I know it needs to be addressed. I prefer to bury them. I’m sure it has to do with being an ACON and my needs not being met as a child. Like I said to Asp, its a work in progress.

      This blog and Mr. Tudor have been the best thing that has happened for me. I finally feel validated as well.

  2. Asp Emp says:

    Reading the words “I cast you to one side, you did not leave me….”

    Henry VIII came to my mind. Historically, people can see how he treated his wives and other ‘key’ people in / around his life. When somebody who knows about narcissism and the history of Henry VIII, they can ‘connect the dots’ to ‘see’ where the machinations, manipulations and obsessions of Henry’s dark, ruthless characteristics of his personality come to the fore, in what circumstances, who was involved (affected). Henry VIII was powerful, not just because of who he was (as King of England), he was powerful because of what he was.

    Back in those days, people were not as overly ‘open’ with their emotions in public and the social ‘differences’, especially between the rich and the poor were very divisive, Human Rights did not really exist then. These days, in my view, people tend to react / respond more with their emotions, partly because of the ‘sheep herding’ mentality mainly caused by the implementation of Laws everywhere and dictated by those in political power.

  3. Karen says:

    I was discarded by my ex for his new supply (he had during me as well). However, he’s spoken with me nonstop for 4 months. He claims I made contact with him & he has been smearing me telling me I’m not wanted ever again since I annoyed him. What is the case when the narcissist hears from you? Do they think of you or is it only in a negative way from that point forward? How can the former primary supply be viewed again by them positively?

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi Karen, if he heard from you, you have entered a sphere of influence and he is probably still in the golden period with the new victim hence why he is accusing you of initiating and rejecting you. Once the new victim becomes stale, or enters devaluation for some other reason, you will likely be flipped back to white, all his smears will be forgotten (by him) and he will want to talk to you again. It is disordered, it is a disorder, this is why/how it happens. Best thing you can do is use the time he’s busy with her to establish a solid no contact regiment. Best of luck.

      1. Karen says:

        It’s been 4 months with the new ISSP which seems long. I’ve been blocked 1 week which makes it easier, but I expect to hear from him again someday. It seems like a very long golden period for the new supply. This is what’s odd.

        1. A Victor says:

          Hi Karen, I just saw your reply, I apologize for the delay responding. Have you considered blocking him? If you do, and at such a level that HG suggests, he will have a very difficult time reaching you again, and you will be free from that concern. It does help calm the nerves down, it did for me anyway.

  4. luvbuck0 says:

    When dating my ex he disengaged from me and spent that first night with another woman. He then spent the next 4 months without me doing whatever he was doing. I am convinced that during that time what this article says is true, he did not think of me. I thought of him less all the time too, to the point where I thought “good riddance”. I wish I would’ve never spoken to him again. It took me a long time to understand it was a hoover when he came back, talking to him, allowing him into my apartment that day, is one of the biggest regrets I have. I don’t dwell on it often but this article brought it to mind. I wish there was some way to not feel it as regret but to just not feel anything about it anymore, since I can’t change it. I can still feel that sick feeling in my stomach as I felt myself being sucked back into his chaos, our chaos. It helps to now understand what was happening.

    1. Leigh says:

      AV? Is that you? Are you trying out a new name?

      1. A Victor says:

        Haha, yes, it is I, and no, it is not a new name. Good grief, I typed my email address and autopilot took over for something else. I was on vacation this last week so not paying attention I suppose. The comment still stands though! Lol!

    2. Leigh says:

      I know what you mean about feeling sick to your stomach. Now I know to listen to it. I wish I would have listened to it then.

      How was your vacation? Did you go anywhere fun? Hope you were able to relax.

      1. A Victor says:

        Leigh, since I am not receiving notifications due to my name mistake, I will respond in a comment, but I am hoping you get a notification for this so you can look for the other one, on this thread.

        1. Leigh says:

          WordPress seems to be working randomly, lol! I got this notification.. I’ll look for your other message.

  5. ? says:

    Thank you

  6. fox says:

    I respaect both you

  7. psychologyandworldaffairs says:

    So many contradictions…

    I may not know what my ex is – but I did understand he was very sensitive to what others thought of him. I always thought that – I would be safe from him wanting to return to any sort of relationship. He painted me black to people – would he than be thought a fool for coming back to me?

    Would how others would view this, not act as a deterrent to any future interaction?

    1. A Victor says:

      Hi PAWA, my ex smeared me all over for a couple of months before he left. I was painted black and he was setting his departure up so his facade would be the least damaged and he could continue to use people after he left. Also, it was preemptive to anything I might do once he left. His sister told me, at my daughter’s wedding shower, that he’d told her he was “unhappy” in our marriage. It made me furious, both that he’d told her this and not me, and at her telling me at this special event. She’s the one I still have no respect for. Anyway, it was this sort of crap all over the place, most of which I didn’t learn of until much later. I didn’t discuss our relationship with people after he left, because I didn’t know the ending and also because it is not my nature, I just told them he no longer lived in our home. Their reactions often told me a lot, whether he’d “gotten to them” prior to leaving or whether they thought it was awful he’d abandoned his family or whether they just felt sympathy for me etc. Many people apologized to me later for having believed him. Some never have, they are not among my acquaintances any longer. All this to say, had he decided to hoover me and had he been successful, he would simply have rewritten history to all these people, smoothing it over where necessary, pinning more blame on me for our fall out and making himself the good guy for taking me back, I am convinced of this. It’s just what they do.

  8. Sweetest Perfection says:

    No. Next!

    1. Asp Emp says:

      SP, …..’K.I.S.S.’….. 😉

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