Who Are the Racists?

173 thoughts on “Who Are the Racists?

  1. Sweetest Perfection says:

    Empath007, meditation and mindfulness certainly help you lose fear of the unknown. I wish they taught meditation in school.

  2. Violetta says:

    HG, there is a lot of talk about mental health and athletes:
    Naomi Osaka, now Simone Biles. Are critics necessarily racists? (Don’t know if Piers is a racist, but since we do know he’s a narc, he’d be happy to criticize anyone for any reason.)

    What I’m wondering is whether any of the athletes claiming mental health problems are narcs. Things have changed a lot since I competed, but the last thing you wanted in those days was for the team or your coach to suspect you were a basket case. Especially if you were privately concluding that you were.

  3. SMH says:

    Thank you for the information, HG, but I would still argue that racism is different. That is why “hate crimes” are crimes against protected classes of people. Of course death threats are also crimes, but calling a white person a loser is not in the same league.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is not different.

      1. A Victor says:

        Would you say that racism is a form of hate-crime but there can be other forms also, sexism, ageism, familial etc?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hate crime is categorised by legal definition.

          1. A Victor says:

            Oh I see, thank you.

  4. WiserNow says:

    This case of racism is very saddening – and quite alarming too.

    (By the way, I still visit KTN to read the posts and comments. I feel motivated to comment on this post. I guess my empathy for these players and fans etc overshadows the emotional ‘residue’ of any disagreements I’ve had here.)

    Susan David is a South African psychologist who has researched and studied ’emotional agility’ in depth and has written a book called ‘Emotional Agility’.

    The following is an excerpt from an article about her. The article is in relation to her work regarding psychological consultations with people in business settings. Her views, in my opinion, are quite relevant in any situation – not just business, but life in general.

    In the article Susan David says:
    “Only dead people never fail. Only dead people never experience the disappointment that comes with that failure. Only dead people never get their hearts broken. Discomfort is the price of admission in a fragile, beautiful world, and you don’t get to build a career, or have a family, or leave the world a better place, without stress and discomfort,” David explained.

    “Emotional agility is not an easy thing to attain, she says, largely due to the complexity of the modern world. While there is a laundry list of definitions for ‘agility’, including being inclusive, customer-focused, and relational, there is a paradox that makes it tricky to navigate.”

    “That paradox is that technology has evolved at a speed that is significantly greater than the speed at which we have evolved”, she said. “The same complexity that drives the need for agility also undermines it, because when people are feeling stressed, or facing ambiguity, they are less able to be innovative and much more likely to focus on what is known. They are much less able to be collaborative and more likely to become tribal.”

    To me, it appears that the frustration and bigotry unleashed in some people due to the loss of a football game was an ugly case of people acting on their negative emotions. The context and situation fanned the flames of anger, disappointment, stress and the need to blame someone else for difficult emotions.

    Perhaps if there was greater knowledge and understanding about how emotional discontent leads to more competitiveness and tribalism and less empathy and collaboration, such alarming social situations could be avoided.

  5. lisk says:

    HG, I do not understand how can you say I am empath when I cannot bear a lot of the “These young men did a great job for their country!” comments.

    To me, it’s like giving praise to bad work, or like offering a trophy to someone for just showing up.

    I certainly do not like it when it’s done to me, e.g., when somebody says, “Lisk, what a great job you did!” when I know for a fact that I produced utter crap.

    If I am indeed an empath, then what’s the narcissistic trait that gets me so riled up about sugarcoating?

    1. MP says:

      (Personally, even though my opinion was not asked) I think it depends on which trait is manifesting dominantly on each individual and also the perspectives issue also plays a big role.

  6. MB says:

    My husband is a normal so I get it. The first time I heard HG explain the nose-down normals, I knew what I was dealing with. I am appalled at his insensitivity sometimes. I have a blank look of my own that communicates clearly, “I can’t believe I’m married to you.”

    1. A Victor says:

      How did you find a normal?

      1. Eternity says:

        Ha ha good one A Victor. I always seem to bump into Narcissists. I had one guy I met and said to me. Have you ever been swept off your feet?
        I said I beg your pardon and walked away. Who says that? Instead of saying hello how are you nice to meet you . Swept of my feet , ya right.

        1. A Victor says:

          Wow Eternity! That red flag hit you right in the face! Thank you for that laugh, needed that today! 🙂

          1. Eternity says:

            A Victor , yes I see the red flags left,right and centre. You are so welcome ! Glad I made you laugh . We definitely need it sometimes.

    2. MP says:

      My brother is a normal, not emotional but a very good person. Has very high and solid integrity. People like myself, his wife and everyone who knows him well enough has high respect for him. He is not the kind of person that offers advice or encouragement but I have never seen him be mean or nasty to anyone. He also happened to be very politically correct and respectful. We cannot generalize everyone. It depends on the individual person. My husband is most likely a normal too and I have never seen him be nasty to anyone either, not even to his N ex wife.

    3. Asp Emp says:

      MB, laughing…..”I have a blank look of my own that communicates clearly, “I can’t believe I’m married to you.” – I believe there are LOADS of people who have that same look as you have described. I have seen it – in my friends. LOL. Even men do it! Facial expressions, or the looks in the eyes – are a ‘language’ of their own.

    4. Sweetest Perfection says:

      Haha MB, “a blank look of my own”=RBF?

      1. MB says:

        Exactly SP! 😆

        1. Sweetest Perfection says:

          I knew it! Haha

  7. SMH says:

    Nice, HG. Glad I popped in. Hope you are well.

    I think racists have something ‘extra.’ I mean what if the penalty kickers had been White English and lost? Would the so-called fans have gone on to abuse them too? I don’t think so, though maybe there is evidence out there of abuse directed towards White players and I just cannot find it. What about teams where non-White players are not abused? There are plenty of narcs among ardent nationalist fans elsewhere in the White world but the English have a reputation as racists, maybe because they pretend so hard that they are not and simply cannot hold it in? Or maybe because it starts from the top with Little Trump (aka BoJo) and his ministerial minions.

    I watched every minute of the game with dread, wishing that the team could win while the fans lost!!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Of course they would abuse a white player

      David Beckham https://www.fourfourtwo.com/features/when-david-beckham-was-most-hated-man-england-and-had-greatest-season-his-life

      John Terry, Joey Barton, Dennis Wise, Robbie Savage and Jamie Redknapp are all white players who have been repeatedly abused on the terraces and online by so called friends as a consequence of their football. Those are ones just off the top of my head, there are many more.

      1. lisk says:

        Of course they would abuse each other as well.

        Thinking of Bill Buford’s Among the Thugs.

      2. Sweetest Perfection says:

        I tried to explain this in the video and there was mayhem! Thank goodness everyone -but the one commenter who complained- sided with me.

  8. Alexissmith2016 says:

    That was fantastic. It’s helped me make so much sense of the normals now too. No wonder I always felt so different.

    Thank you HG

    I have a friend who is a normal and he once made a comment to me that when he lost his hair in his late 20s he was really jealous of his younger brother who hadn’t. He said it made him really happy when his brother also lost his hair a couple of years later.

    I don’t get that at all? Not in the slightest? My sister is an N. She tried really hard to screw me over a couple of years ago and played massive of games which I did not want to engage in but had no choice. I would have stood to lose an awful lot at her hands if I had not. And it was only because of everything I’ve learned from HG that I managed to get through this. My empathy at an all time low because of this. But never would I ever wish anything bad to happen to her. Yes, I countered her every move, yes I wanted to win the game she had forced on me. But never did I wish anything bad to happen to her at all. I just didn’t want her in my life. I’ve sought revenge on Ns in the past but it is only something which would be hurtful to an N just silly things really that would really piss them off but nothing harmful or life changing.

    I hadn’t realised normals were so lacking. It makes me really sad but I’m hugely grateful to you HG for this additional knowledge.

    1. A Victor says:

      Normals annoy me. But if one decided to aim his empathy in my direction, someday down the road, I’d consider him viable. Not true of narcs anymore. Yes, this additional information is very good to have, thank you HG.

      1. Alexissmith2016 says:

        I agree AV and the more I’ve learned the more my empathy for another is equal to the empathy they themselves are capable of. 0% for Ns somewhere in the middle fir normals and 100% for Es. Although since this article it’s way less than 50% for normals now.

        Even though I feel differently inside about different individuals I still do the right thing by them unless they’ve fucked me over lol

      2. Witch says:

        What I’ve found with normals (at least through work) just tell them regularly that you appreciate their help a lot and it’s making such a difference and “thank you so much!” and you can get them on your side pretty quickly to do your empath bidding. Especially when the normal is a het man and he feels appreciated by a woman.

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Hahaha nice work Witch!

          I guess what I struggle with a little having listened to this is that a normal who has some degree of empathy would actually make racist or hurtful comments. They would also engage in viewing child porn? I accept their empathy is different to ours ans it’s not all normals. But I’m still kind of struggling a little to comprehend this.

          I guess though, with a normal if you explain to them they’ve been hurtful there is a possibility they will reflect on this but then it makes no sense to me that they would write hateful comments about the penalty takers. If they have empathy I appreciate from listening to this article it’s not for people they dint know, but why not? How not? How can they not sit and think this person must be feeling really shitty about missing the penalty. Why would they want to make it worse for that person. For me it’s unforgivable.

          1. Witch says:


            I agree with you from the Empath perspective.
            From what I’ve learnt about normals here, I understand how their emotional empathy is eroded more quickly than ours which would lead to them making a racist comment but generally not being a “bad” person. Sometimes a normal just needs more positive experiences with the people that they temporarily believe that they hate.
            As empaths we are extra and go the extra mile in whatever we do. A normal wants to get away with doing the bare minimum. So what I’ve learnt is to hype up their bare minimum like they doing something so great, and then they will have more empathy for you and want to do more for you personally, that’s how you sway them.
            If HG has a PA who is an empath then he has a very valuable employee indeed, because a normal will clock out right on time in most cases.

          2. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Hahha Witch, I do have a couple of friends who are normal and they are exactly as you describe. One whom I love dearly but he won’t go out of his way. When we meet (we live quite far) he doesn’t like it if we end up a bit off the beaten track as he wants to have the easiest quickest route home. Whilst I would quite happily put myself out if it means it will be more fun wherever we’re going.

            I have to trick him. Wait…is that being manipulative?

          3. Witch says:


            That is probably also why we are attracted to narcissists because they are also extra and dramatic but in a different way so we think they are just “misunderstood” like we are because we both have too much energy.

            I can’t stand people who won’t travel more than 25 minutes – all their ex’s live 2 roads away from them. I’m confused by those people. Like how can you not want to look for follies in the woods, just because?

            I support your trickery. Get him to a convenient location and then once he’s there take him to the real location. He’ll forgive you eventually.

          4. MP says:

            Alexis, someone viewing child pornography is far from being normal. The Normals I know are disgusted with child pornography. Pedophilia is a mental disorder and viewing child pornography is abuse by proxy. Child pornography is not a victimless crime.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            Well they are hardly going to admit to you that they view it are they?! However, there are many individuals who do and they are drawn from some narcissists and some normals.

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Some normals, HG? That is shocking. I learn something new every day!

          7. HG Tudor says:

            Strangers outside the circle of empathy.

          8. Asp Emp says:

            Thank you for your response, HG. Much appreciated.

          9. Leigh says:

            I agree, Asp. Not only is it shocking but its extremely disturbing.

          10. Asp Emp says:

            Leigh, hence my surprise and responding to HG’s comment……our education about people continues…..

          11. Eternity says:

            And disgusting! What is wrong with the society we live in? That is a whole other topic. Just makes me mad.

          12. MP says:

            Hello Alexis, thank you for your response. I agree with everything that you said.

          13. Witch says:


            I completely missed child pornography and normals … guys I’m scared
            You might as well tell me hitler was a normal at this point 😢

          14. HG Tudor says:

            He was not.

          15. Asp Emp says:

            He certainly was a narcissist, one of the worst.

          16. Alexissmith2016 says:

            MP I was unable to reply directly as I’m not currently receiving notifications in WP. I do appreciate it’s not all normals who would engage in viewing child porn. But as HG enlightened us, some do. And he points out they’re hardly likely to admit to it.

            I guess because the normals have less empathy than us they may justify it in their head that they’re not actually the perpetrator. I don’t know, I’m just guessing based on conversations I’ve had with normals. Not about child porn but other subjects where they have done something bad or perhaps simply ignored something bad which I would not have, but I’m amazed at how quickly they shrug it off snd will come up with excuses as to it’s okay.

            And that’s not meant in a judgmental way either, just fact. That is how there personality is wired and mine is not.

            But the fact remains some normals do engage in viewing child porn. You’re absolutely right it is not victimless at all and they are guilty100%

          17. Witch says:


            I was being dramatic because I almost died reading about normals and child pornography. I know Hitler was a narcissist.
            Who’s watching how to become a tyrant on Netflix?

          18. Violetta says:


            Okay, I can see why narcs like kiddie-porn: power over the helpless, but what’s in it for normals? Curiosity? The thrill of defying a taboo, in this case, forbidden underripe fruit? Following a Kulturally Kewl narc’s example (i.e., those shots of Thylaine Blondeau weren’t suggestive; they were Art)?

          19. HG Tudor says:


        2. A Victor says:

          Aha, be manipulative in other words!!! I like it!!! Laughing!

        3. Alexissmith2016 says:

          @witch we are extra for sure! I love being an empath. And I do love the attention which narcs give even if it’s not real, they still believe it is so I’ll take it lol.

          lol yeah it’s worth the trickery! He whinged a bit last time when he realised, but also had a bloody good!. I bought him an extra couple of drinks to help stop the whinging hahaha something I would not do for any N ever! Especially as HG has taught me that Ns need the fuel, therefore they can pay for it!

    2. Leigh says:

      Hi Alexis, your comment really got me thinking. Am I capable of wishing harm on another human being? I never thought so in the past. Now, I’m not so sure. Aboit 9 months ago, my husband had a cancer scare. For a moment, I felt relief. More and more lately, I wish he would suffer. I don’t want to make him suffer by my hand. I want the universe to take him out. I want my hands to be clean. I know that makes me sound like a monster. it took me a really long time to get to that point. 35 years ro be exact. Last September he threw something at my head. He missed and said to me, “If I wanted to hit you. I would have hit you. Now shut the fuck up.” This man thinks he loves me. I wouldn’t have been able to do that to someone I hate, let alone someone I love. It was in that moment, that my empathy for him really started to erode.

      The truth is, I really can’t harm him. I still have empathy for the man. I still feel bad for him. Its probably why I can’t leave. Sometimes, I do wish bad things though. I also wish for a time when there are peaceful and calm days without him.

      1. A Victor says:

        Leigh, I said this to my mom a couple hours ago, I just want peace, a peaceful life, low expectations. I will not have that as long as I live here, with her. Yesterday I told a friend that I had not seen since Covid began that my mother had withheld the morphine from him, my friend began crying before I even finished the story. I was stunned. But it is these things and so much more that are right here, raw, all the time. I think it has slowed my effort to learn about narcissism and that even makes me angry. I cannot just have an unclouded view as long as I am here. I don’t know what to do, I am feeling very stuck. If I could just lose the stuck feeling, even if my circumstances didn’t change, I think I’d feel better. But I don’t know how.

        1. Leigh says:

          AV, the stuck feeling is the worst part. It feels like there’s no way out. I keep hoping that one day I’ll find peace. I hope you find peace too.

          1. A Victor says:

            Thanks Leigh, I hope the same for both of us. I responded to another comment you put somewhere else, about your daughter, I am really feeling sad for you tonight.

          2. Empath007 says:

            Hi Leigh,

            I’ve always been one to say I don’t judge people for staying – sometimes to devil we know is better then the one we don’t.

            What could you focus on in your current situation that would make things better for you ?

            You’ve decided to stay for right now – so perhaps daydreaming about leaving is not the answer.

            Are there ways you can improve where you’re at today ? In the moment.

            Take it one step at a time – projecting years into the future is only aggravating your anxiety. Try to practice mindfulness. Maybe mediation – a new class – some new thing you do for yourself that no on in your family knows about…

            One day you’ll be on your own. But today you’re not. So focus on what you can do today.

          3. Leigh says:

            Empath007, thank you. That’s actually very helpful. One day at a time.

        2. Asp Emp says:

          AV, I can understand you saying you feel ‘stuck’. You went through a lot last year and the fact TTU withheld the morphine – is traumatic in itself. ET can take a very long time to process yet you are aware of where you are ‘at’ presently. I think in your case, it is the fact TTU is still in the same house as you that is the ‘block’ that is really slowing down things for you. It is hindering your progress. Is there a way, at some point, that TTU can be moved to somewhere else and have someone else to look after her “needs” (ie care home)? Have you talked about this with your children (now that they are also learning about narcissism)? I am aware that I am not in similar situation as you. I am thinking of you, AV 🙂

          1. A Victor says:

            Hi Asp Emp, I agree, TTU’s presence is holding back my progress. I have plans to move her once she becomes unable for me to care for but that could be years off, she doesn’t “need” any help yet, except that she is a Victim cadre narcissist who wants to be taken care of. I think your suggestion to talk with my kids is a great one, I had not thought of that with the care home idea in mind, just to see what they think. Thank you for the thoughts, this day has been an emotional one, for some reason, and these kind comments are very helpful. One on here today has had me in tears, a different day and it may not have. Did you find the comment I wrote to you about the Chihuahua that I had to put down? He wasn’t even my dog but today I had to go back to the vets to pick something up and it was all I could do to contain the tears until I got out of there, much too soon. Don’t know really why. Hoping tomorrow is better. Have a good night, or day, Asp Emp! And thanks again.

          2. Asp Emp says:

            AV, glad to see that you are considering talking with your kids RE: TTU. It’s either a care home or a very small one bed flat for her. As you say, she does not need “help”. I know it is not easy but ‘detachment’ of your guilt, emotions where TTU is concerned. You have to put your health first.

            Yes, I think I responded RE: the dog / vet. At the time you did not appear to be that upset about it. Now that you had to return to the vets and it invoked your emotions about the dog.

            I hope that you have less emotional ‘triggers’ to be able to move forward. Sometimes things can get a bit too much to ‘handle’. It happens and your responses are normal.

            Thank you, AV, for the night / morning wishes. It was morning my time. Hope you have a good day too. 🙂

          3. A Victor says:

            I was trying not to be too upset about that dog, I do miss him though. It is odd, I am not a dog person, I wasn’t his “official” owner, but, he was with me for a long time after my daughter moved out and couldn’t take him, so I did get attached. I responded about TTU in another comment. Thanks for the reassurance of my normality with regard to my emotional responses, sometimes I’m not sure. I attribute that to more gaps in my knowledge as a result of being an ACON, so I don’t take your words lightly.

            I find it fun that many of you are just getting up when I am just going to sleep! 🙂

          4. Asp Emp says:

            AV, I am more than happy to help / support where you may need it. RE: the dog, yes, you would get attached. That is normal. You miss having them around. I know. I understand. Just remembering my dog still gives me a moment or two of sadness, yet, it is nearly 2 years. God. I loved that dog. So much easier than people! (LOL).

            I can tell when you are up / down with your ET. I reach out when I see it. I know you appreciate the support you get from me & others on here. You will get there, you know that.

            I still laugh at the TTU and it’s ‘creation’. LOL. x

          5. A Victor says:

            Aw Asp Emp, that is so kind, I did not realize I was so transparent but I do really appreciate the support from you and others here. Thank you for reaching out when you see it, that really made my day, which is almost over, but I will hold it through tomorrow and beyond. Yes, I still laugh about the whole TTU creation also, and it is good to laugh!

          6. Asp Emp says:

            AV, it is fine, absolutely fine. I do not like to see others being affected and getting ‘stuck’ because I have been there. I am just as resolved as others on this blog to ensure I can do what I can to support where and when it’s needed. RE: about the ‘balance’ you say in your other comment (I have joined the three ‘convos’ together) – it is easier for me to ‘see’ because my own ET is in a very good place. I shall tell you a little ‘secret’……when I am in a pissed off ‘mode’ (laughing here) – I tend to ‘draft’ up on a word document and then review it later or next day before amending it or not, posting it. Or, sometimes, it’s ‘ah, fk it, I’ll post it’…..so we all have our ‘moments’. RE: your words “I too am glad we can change, very glad for that” – remind yourself of those words when you feel ‘down’, your own words of empowerment. Take it easy AV x

          7. A Victor says:

            Ah yes, I would do well to write something on Word and wait before posting sometimes. Thank you! I will try to implement that plan. Thank you for the reminder to remind myself that I can change also, that is a thing that can bring me up for sure. I aspire to being in a position of helping others, as you do, you are my role model now, along with others, thank you! Thank you for pulling the conversations together again also! 🙂

          8. Leigh says:

            I just saw this about your daughter’s doggy. I’m so sorry. Its not easy saying goodbye to our loved ones, even if they are our furry loved ones. I hope you’re starting to feel better.

          9. A Victor says:

            Thank you Leigh. I feel like every loss since my dad has caused me to grieve him again too. I did not expect to be so hit by that dog’s death. I am feeling a little better but my ET has been high since the weekend which is not helping. Anyway, I am thinking about you a lot and have my fingers crossed about your daughter’s NDC, that is a truly big issue. The waiting time is not easy, I hope you can find some way to relax for the duration.

      2. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Well I totally get why you would feel that way Leigh. You are still very much caught up in the situation. I admire you hugely and I guess my circumstances help me a lot. I’m not caught up with an N on a daily basis and any interactions I do have with them is empty and meaningless and very short lived. I can’t imagine how you cope ans it’s perfectly fine to feel the way you do, you’ve suffered hugely at his hands. My friend purports to love his brother and so that makes no sense to me. I’d be really, really happy for a person I loved to have something I did not, even if it was something I desperately wanted for myself. Of course I may still want what they have but I’d be really happy for them they had it. In his case, hair.

        Your husband is horrible Leigh and I truly hope you find the courage to leave him. He will suffer then.

        1. Leigh says:

          Thank you Alexis. Yes, my husband is horrible and he will suffer when I’m gone. I can’t wait for that day.

      3. Asp Emp says:

        Leigh, can I ask you, when he does things like throwing things at you & saying nasty things to you – do you not feel fear? Is he getting worse in his actions towards you (ie, has it got worse over time)?

        This is one example – a very valid reason – to leave him or get him to leave. Use the Law because this type of ‘violence’ would be classed as ‘Domestic Violence’ in UK.

        One day, he could go ‘too far’ and do some serious harm towards you?

        1. Leigh says:

          Asp, ironically, I’m not afraid of him at all. When he does things like that, I say to him, “does it make you feel like a man to go after a little girl like me?” I scream and yell too. It probably fuels him.

          Yes, he has gotten worse as he got older. Yes, it would be considered domestic violence here as well.

          He is a narcissist so he definitely could go too far.

          I know, it’s time to make the move.

          1. Alexissmith2016 says:

            Leigh, what do you think it would take for you to leave him?

          2. Leigh says:

            Alexis, that’s the million dollar question. I don’t know what it would take. I don’t know my breaking point. I think ideally, I’d want him to leave me.

          3. alexissmith2016 says:

            Well of course I don’t want you to reach breaking point. But nor do I want you to stay and suffer, or to let that little twat have the pleasure of leaving you.

          4. Leigh says:

            “That little twat” I fucking love it! Thank you! I needed a good laugh.

      4. BC30 says:

        Not a monster, just human and hurt.

        I was thinking about my plan this morning. You’re not alone in with these thoughts.

        1. Leigh says:

          Thank you BC30.

          1. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Leigh, sorry my unsolicited jumping in this thread. I wanted to reaffirm that your feelings are totally justified and don’t make you less of an Empath. I desired many times something bad happened to my dad when I was a kid, not necessarily death, but something to help
            him mend his hurtful behavior. I would like to ask you, if you allow me to, the reasons why you stay with your husband. I interact with victims of domestic violence and know that most times the reason is fear of the unknown or fear of being alone. I know you are not scared of him, but I also know from your comments you do not feel happy near him, and want to be freed. Also, the fact you are not scared does not mean he cannot hurt you seriously, even accidentally. Please, understand I don’t judge. I would love to help you in any form I can and at least I want you to know you have all my support. I would just like to hear (read) your thoughts.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            *Sorry for, I meant.

          3. Leigh says:

            Hi Sweet P, I don’t mind answering questions. I know there are lot of victim that come to this blog who are desperate. If I can show them that they aren’t alone by sharing my story, I’m happy to do it. I might not be able to save myself but maybe I can save someone else.

            I stay with my husband because I’m an idiot. I’m sorry, I had to say that. I’m afraid to be alone. I crave it. Am I afraid of the unknown? Most definitely! I don’t know if that’s it either. I’m going to be really honest right now. I don’t want to be the one who leaves because then I’m the bad guy. If I’m the bad guy, then he wins. That’s my pride rearing its ugly little head.

            The other thing is that it feels safe. If I go out into the big, bad world, there will be sharks everywhere. I’m afraid I will become a recluse. I already don’t want to be around people.

            I take two steps forward and then stop. I know the only way to true freedom is to face this head on but sometimes I’d rather pretend it doesn’t exist.

          4. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Leigh, thanks so much for answering and for being honest. I disagree with you. You are definitely not an idiot. Like I said in my previous comment, fear of being alone/fear of the unknown added to your habit of living with that person’s disorder are the most common reasons victims of domestic violence don’t dare leave their partners (add to the list the vicious cycle of hot/cold treatment, or intermittent gratification). The way I see it is like remaining in a tank swimming with a shark in it for fear of jumping in the ocean and *just potentially * running into unfamiliar sharks. But I’m not inside your relationship and of course it’s easy to give an advice when you’re not suffering the situation. I make lists when I’m divided or confused about something. Why don’t you try to make a list of the reasons why you want to leave versus the good things you don’t want to lose if you do? Ultimately it’s your decision, but please never never blame yourself for living with a toxic person. You’re not to blame, he is.

          5. A Victor says:

            Leigh, I stayed in my marriage for the reason you state, in part anyway, I didn’t want to be the bad guy. He smeared me anyway so anyone who listened to him thought I was the bad guy already. Some thought he was the hero for leaving what must’ve been a horrific situation living with me. I don’t think in these things there really is any way to win. I also think that I (only speaking for myself here) was not wise to base my actions on what others might think of me, except my children, but they knew the truth, and they still do know the truth. In my case I would’ve been wiser to leave him sooner, if for no other reason than to protect myself and the kids. Others did come to see it eventually. What happened over time was that my life and his life were seen by others.
            Eventually I literally had many who initially thought he left because I was bad who later apologized and we are on good terms even now. We all have to do what is right for us, I am not trying to persuade you in any direction, I am only sharing my experience because one of my reasons was the same as what you said. Also, the world does seem scary sometimes, I agree, more when I was initially here, less so now. I am getting tougher, I think, most of the time anyway.

          6. Asp Emp says:

            Leigh, you can save yourself. Only you can do it for yourself. We, on the blog, are giving your encouragement to do so. It has been months.

            You are not an idiot. I can totally understand why you’d say that about yourself. You have seen other people on the blog saying they are also afraid to be alone. Narcissists are too. But do not let that be a “reason” why you should stay with your husband. Of course, you are afraid of the ‘unknown’ Aren’t we all? We all are afraid of it – not that everyone actually says so. ‘Pride’ gets in the way of anyone actually “admitting” it. Why? Because of the influence that people are ‘conditioned’ to assume so, society does that, so we, as individuals have ‘learned’ that. On the other hand, humans are also ‘social’ animals (sorry, HG, to have to state it as such). Sheep huddling in a field comes to my mind (laughing)……fkg hell. My brain-wiring! LOL.

            You are not the bad guy if you left. Far from it. You’d be the better ‘person’. I am not saying that a narcissist is a bad person, they are the way they are.

            Your husband wins. If you stay. Or he stays. Or, I should actually say, narcissism wins. So, effectively, by my saying that, should one person ‘allow’ narcissism to win over their individuality? Win over their right to be who and what they are? Such a conundrum. Such a contradiction.

            I also understand why you say it feels ‘safe’. It is what you are used to. You’ve been married a long time. Have children together. It’s become your ‘norm’.

            Yes, it may be a big bad world, in your words. I have faced it. Other empaths on this blog have also faced it. The ‘sharks’ are not everywhere – you have reminded me of HG’s ‘Why Do I See Narcissists Everywhere?’.

            Instead of burying your head in the sand, so to speak, maybe you should actually take a few days off from home and spend them with this friend who lives near the ocean and have some long and good chats with them. They know you better than anyone on this blog does. They will tell you constructively what they think they would do if they were in your shoes. They may even tell you whether you should stay or go. At the end of the day and ultimately, the decision is yours, yours alone. Stuff your husband, have some time off from him.

            You do need to be the one to decide for once and all – to stay in your marriage or leave your marriage.

            I truly do understand it is a very hard decision to make. Yet, at the end of the day, you only live one life. Life is too short. Too.

            The only ‘duty’ you have is to you, yourself. Not your children. Not your husband. You.

            RE: My whole comment here – this is why I suggested you have a consult with HG. HG will not do any persuading, that is not his goal, he does not do any ‘mind-bending’, you have heard his voice on audios. His goal is to assist you in your logical thinking / understanding. He has advised you on occasion for a while. He is actually a very nice man but not the type to cry with you when you are crying your eyes out. He may come across as clinical and that is why his work works. I am pretty confident that you will come away from a consult with HG, thinking and feeling quite different than you have been for quite some time. I can tell you right now, it would not be a waste of your money or time. At all. You will not regret it. You may not be as confused either. I would also strongly recommend that you forget what HG ‘is’ and see him as a friend that you can talk to. Ok, I am going to post this before I change my mind…….

            (thank you, HG, for moderating the long comment)

          7. Leigh says:

            Hi Asp, Your comment about being months, made me chuckle. LOL! That’s why I’m an idiot because I don’t make the move. In all seriousness though, this whole thing with my daughter is really throwing me for a loop. I really need to process it. I remember others making comments about struggling with finding something to put on the narc detector for someone they were questioning if they were a narcissist or not. I had no problem filling out the questionnaire. None. The more I thought about it, the more things I could have added too. That’s a little scary.

            I will consider doing a consult with Mr. Tudor. First I will wait for the answer about my daughter and then go from there.

            As for being afraid to be alone, that’s not what I meant to say. Although, maybe my subconscious does feel afraid to be alone. Right now, I crave being alone. Its all I want.

          8. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Leigh, thanks for clarifying. I thought it was strange you said I’m afraid of being alone followed by “I crave it” haha. When we say fear it’s not actually fear, but dislike of solitude. I for example don’t like living alone. Yes, I enjoy being alone for a couple of days or for some hours but I am my best when I live with someone as long as the relationship is healthy of course. I agree with Eternity; it makes no sense to feel like the bad guy for leaving a toxic situation with the real bad guy. But I’m not trying to convince you of leaving. I thought that’s what you wanted. He’s not gonna change but you can. I just care about you.

          9. Eternity says:

            Leigh ,
            You are not an idiot hun, and you are definitely not alone in this situation.
            Please don’t be the one to wait for him to leave. I did the same but it never happened. I guess I didn’t break down as an appliance or something who knows and who the hell cares.
            You are not the bad guy , you are the good guy. Honestly wouldn’t you rather be alone than be with him? You can save yourself, your life, your sanity. I understand the craving part because I felt it too. I didn’t want to break to up my family, but I had to for the sake of having freedom. I left and I wish I would have done it way sooner. You can do this you really can you just need the confidence and the will power to do so.
            Please just take it easy and don’t be so hard on yourself. I am being very honest with you. I feel your pain and I don’t even know you.
            Just take your time. Read the book Getting Out, HG will help you, and you can prepare. I read it also. Things will get easier for you. Don’t worry hugs. It seems hard but when you do this you will be giving the another person the same advice that I did.
            Hugs 🤗

          10. Leigh says:

            Sweet P, I meant to say I’m not afraid to be alone.

          11. Duchessbea says:

            It is always best to do what you feel is right for you. Other peoples opinions should not matter. At the end of the day, you are the person who has to walk in your shoes, whatever you feel you have to do to be the best version of you, do that. Never feel like you have to explain yourself to other people because at the end of the day, they won’t hear you, they will only hear what they themselves want to hear.
            Don’t refer to yourself as an idiot because you are going to stay living with your husband. You are not an idiot. You are miles ahead of him. You know what he is and through the advice from HG, you are more adept at being able to handle him. I’m sure he has noticed some changes in you since you have been getting advice from HG, and is racking his brains as to what is going on and where this new you has come from.
            I have read a lot of your comments on here and you are always so open and honest. I say Kudos to you as you are a very strong person.

          12. Empath007 says:


            I had a thought… knowing what you know now about narcissim. Would your husband having an affair be helpful to you ? I know that sounds crazy … but think about it

            A) while theres a good chance he won’t leave you (as you are one of the most important aspects to his facade). There’s also a chance he might if he’s excited about the new prospect… if so…. then
            B) he’d be the one to leave and in doing so
            C) look like the asshole so you don’t have too… and if all that fails then
            D) at least the affair would keep him out of the house and out of your hair for a while until it’s inevitable demise.

            Perhaps another woman is what your relationship needs so you can get some peace and quiet – just act like you don’t even notice it’s happening. ! He’ll hate that !

            Because he’s a narcissist I assume you’ve already dealt with some painful infedelity – why not spin this trait of his around and use it to your advantage ?

          13. Leigh says:

            Empath007, are you in my head??? You don’t understand how much I wish for this scenario. It would be fantastic. From your lips to God’s ears.

            I’ve never suspected once that he has cheated on me. I actually would be shocked. He honestly believes that he’s the perfect husband and someone as perfect as him would never cheat. He thinks our marriage is EPIC and rock solid. He’s delusional.

            I do hope for a day where I’m not meeting the Prime Aims anymore and he finds someone else who will.

          14. Dave says:

            It’s none of my business but I just wanted to jump in and say:
            I like Empath007”s plan!
            Yes make it easy for him to go down that path.

    3. Violetta says:

      Sometimes I think I understand narcs better than normals.

      1. Asp Emp says:

        Violetta, I think I do too 🙂

  9. lisk says:

    Horrible, lazy second half for England.

    Southgate chose especially poorly at the end and set these guys up for failure.

    As you say, HG, different people will react differently to that failure—and they did.

    1. Alexissmith2016 says:

      He did make a mistake Lisk, but he has at least taken full ownership for that. We all make mistakes now and then, even HG.

      I’m kidding obviously HG never makes a mistake. Not ever!

      1. lisk says:

        I really don’t care if he took “full ownership.” Frankly, it seemed insincere to me, as well as a bit too woke for my taste. Mostly, it seemed like he was trying to manage public reaction to a bad ending and divert focus off of the three in the thumbnail.

        Again, the second half was crap and the second-half players–not just the late-entry flubbers–should be the ones taking “ownership.” (And maybe they did–but I haven’t heard them above the “racism” noise.)

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          Well my husband would agree with you on GS.

          I personally really like him, yes he made a mistake but the way he thinks about the game and seems to play the team to their strengths and really understands the players and what they can do. He is far superior to other England managers who in the past just have one way of doing things ans they won’t be advised differently – due to their narcissism.

          I really enjoyed the game, it was nail biting in the most part. It went a bit flat and we were overrun for a while but regardless of how much they’re worth, they are still only human ans the pressure must have been immense. In my view we just lost our composure, it’s an immense amount of pressure they were under. The whole country behind them. I remember playing ten pin bowling years ago, we were with a big group using several lanes and I was getting strike after strike, everyone was saying come over and watch alexis. The moment they did everything went down the side and I couldn’t get a single pin down after that hahaha

          I wanted to win, of course I did, but I would much rather watch a game like that than one where we stuff a team 10-0. I know most people would disagree with me, snd they regularly do haha but I don’t see any enjoyment in that at all. For one it’s boring and you’re also breaking the hearts and pride of another team.

          I want nail biting excitement all the way win or lose.

          One of the reasons I barely ever watch my home team any more. I don’t care if they lose games but at least make them exciting!

          GS has still managed to exceed England’s target so far which was to make it to the semi for euro 2020. I will defend him (as long as he’s not an N then he can go f himself) until I die lol

        2. Mel says:

          No lisk

          He fucked up. And then took responsibility for fucking up.

          I’m hazarding a guess when he made that call, he was attempting an act of redemption via proxy.

          You see, Southgate very suddenly had a lot of people riding on his undoubted brilliance as manager. He is. But he fell into a very classic trap of empath attempting to redeem themselves via a third party. He lost control. Lost perspective.

          I have a lot of compassion for him. I trust he will learn from his mistake. It really isn’t the end of the world. Although it may seem like it atm.

  10. Asp Emp says:

    Firstly, I have stated that I watch England as far as they go in the run up to the finals in football (World Cup / Euro). I enjoyed following England. I was happy they reached the finals.

    I could not believe yet was not surprised to learn how some people responded as a result of England not winning the final, despite the fact the team got there. It made me feel ashamed to be someone who is a mixed of the UK nationality after I saw news of the defacing of one of the footballer’s image. I also recalled the generosity of Rashford’s persistence regarding the free school meals and was pleased that he challenged the UK Govt on this (kudos to him for this alone).

    “the two groups that are behind this behaviour are drawn from narcissists and the normals” – RE: narcissists, I am not surprised. What did surprise me was the reference and explanation RE: ‘normals’.

    “this behaviour is not undertaken by empathic individuals they have emotional empathy for a wide range of people and therefore almost like an invisible force they will not behave in this manner because it just doesn’t cross their mind to do so of course an empathic individual who supports England is disappointed in the defeat they may well feel disappointed the way that Marcus Rashford took his penalty hesitating and then dilly dallying rather he should have just put his foot through it” – his reaction was so visible and the team reached out to show that they supported him, regardless. That is true ‘team-work’.

    (05:20) “people ask what is wrong with these people what on earth possesses an individual to go online and abuse somebody that they’ve never met” – such POWERFUL words. In my view, these words are not necessarily just applicable to this particular video.

    Wow, this video had me in tears. Literally. It was saddening to read. Why did it affect me so much? Because, I know exactly what it is like to be discriminated against, to be verbally (physically & emotionally) abused.

    A prime example ie telecommunications staff who refused to take my calls through a third party, regardless of such a ‘Data Protection Law’, that was not in question, at all, yet they used it in order breach UK’s Laws and also International Law ie Human Rights, Equality etc. Even though I have a ‘disability’, I was made to feel my disability more because of the fact I was not able to follow through with a telephone call (I had no access to internet because of a fault at their end !!).

    During the Covid Lockdowns, deaf people have found it difficult to communicate directly with local doctors and receive telephone calls from NHS services. This is even before the issue of people wearing masks within a medical environment ie the doctor’s surgery. Even the UK Govt were slow to issue guidance in relation to communicating with Deaf people. The National Autistic society and other organisations did act, where it was applicable / as appropriate.

    It is so demoralising. Disempowering. Isolating. Individuality being ‘removed’. Forced ‘reliance’ on people who are unavailable. The list goes on. Yet this is 21st Century and to me, sometimes, it does not feel like it !

    Another ‘external stressor’ in my case is yesterday I learned some more ways where the so-called medical “system” let me down.

    I realise that this video provoked so much emotion within me and I decided to post it later on, after I have let my ET reduce.

    Thank you, HG. For this video. Such a provoking but hard truth. It does make me thankful for the ‘sanctuary’ of my house, to be able to ‘shut off’ as I need, for the time being, anyway.

    On the plus side, I have shared this video on my Facebook.

  11. Violetta says:

    I don’t see why verbal abuse of a player needs to go racial. Telling the quarterback he can’t run his way out of a wet paper bag or a 3rd baseman he couldn’t catch a cold is perfectly adequate at most US games. I don’t actually do either one, tbh: I have only cheers or applause for my team, although I have been known to join in chants of “BULL-shit ..BULL-shit” if the ref/umpire makes a call I think misguided.

    Seriously, why can’t fans stick to words referring to body parts and body functions like civilized people?

  12. MP says:

    I can’t see my pending comment and i can’t remember exactly what I said but I just want to add to clarify that I was not criticizing woke or activists in general. There are a lot of them that sincerely wants to make the world a better place and very empathic. I was just referring to the overwhelming angel kinds that sometimes see immigrants as merely a demographic that needs saving and often applies a generalized blanket stereotypes hence causes us to feel objectified in some way. But there are many beautiful and kind people that really want equality for people.

  13. Bubbles says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,
    Thank you for explaining in detail
    I was shocked and disgusted when we were shown scenes on tv of the English fans literally kicking Italian fans that were pushed to the ground, in the ribs
    I felt so sorry for the poor bugga who kicked the penalty shot …. I knew he’d cop it big time!
    The way the English fans reacted made me happier that Italy won.
    Out of interest, how did you, as an Ultra, react ?
    Luv Bubbles xx 😘

    1. MB says:

      I wondered the same thing Bubbles

      1. Bubbles says:

        Dearest MB,
        Our greater friend doesn’t acknowledge a loss, he goes quiet and doesn’t want to talk about it.
        When his beloved team wins, he sends us the team’s song and pics of them celebrating with an expensive wine. They probably have sex that night 😂

        Mr Tudor may go quiet and his inner fury may be ignited. He may release his negative energy with a lashing or two, throwing someone into his dungeon just out of spite or by making his crocodile in the castle moat swim a few rounds to earn his dinner 😂
        I doubt there’d be any sex that night 🥀
        Luv Bubbles xx 😘

        1. Alexissmith2016 says:

          in my head there would be full on devaluation sex when his team loses – oh god!

      2. A Victor says:

        I wondered about this also. Ultimately HG saw it as a teaching opportunity regarding narcissism. But what happened to any sense of fury at the moment?

        1. MB says:

          HG probably had to take a Farquhar day to deal with it.

          He had one the other day too. On one of the Harry’s wife videos, he spoke of removing the toilet paper on Anal Armageddon day at the office and various other malice filled acts. Entertaining unless you were one of unfortunate curry eating, beer drinking victims without 🧻

          1. Witch says:

            As women we know to carry extra tissues in our bag and we may even have an extra sanitary towel to wipe our arseholes with if needed

          2. MB says:

            Witch, so true. We are prepared! However, eating curry wouldn’t be an issue for me. An overindulgence of beer is another story!

          3. A Victor says:

            Hahaha, MB, a Farquhar day! That is hilarious! Hahaha, I have so much trouble picturing “sweet” HG in such mode!

            Yes, that video had me in stitches!!! His shenanigan’s are hysterical to hear about! Not to endure, I’m sure!

  14. Witch says:

    Regarding the people saying “we have to do something about this” actually we don’t really need to do more than what’s already been done.
    People are now talking about having to use your ID to register on social media, which is ridiculous.
    Yes those comments were bad, but people are really willing to give up their own freedoms because they care about what other people think that badly?

    1. lisk says:

      Excellent point, Witch.

      This is mob mentality any way slice it.

      Now let me see what HG says about it all—I haven’t given it a listen yet!

    2. Dave says:

      Likely in the future you will need to use a unique ID to use the Internet for anything. So that everything can be tracked. Heck why not tag it on to the vacine passport.

      1. Witch says:


        That is my issue with some of the ideas coming from liberals and wanting to restrict any abusive speech to the point that we ALL have to be monitored like a new born 24/7
        Whenever I disagree with someone online they usually make some kind of homophobic commit towards me. I just laugh. I honestly don’t care because I don’t envy the heterosexual lifestyle one bit.
        We need to learn to stop giving irrelevant people that much power over our lives.

        1. lisk says:

          Agree. Hate speech is legal, at least in the US.

          Let it all hang out.

          1. A Victor says:

            Hi Lisk,
            Your and Witch’s comments caused me to do a search on what speech is not protected under our first amendment in the US. These nine, Obscenity, Fighting words, Defamation (including libel and slander), Child pornography, Perjury, Blackmail, Incitement to imminent lawless action, True threats, and Solicitations to commit crimes are all pretty cut and dried as to what they are, though most things are open to some interpretation, assuming we use the legal definitions of each, and the meaning of the defining words stays unchanged, they are pretty solid. Some would also add treason, if it is committed verbally, and finally, plagiarism of copyrighted material is not protected, both of these being also well defined. I think the difference with hate speech, the reason it has been allowed to remain legal, is because it is much more subjective. Much as hate speech is immoral, especially from my perspective as an empath, and it typically violates antidiscrimination laws, were it made broadly illegal, my fear would be that narcissists, because they are so often the ones in power, would determine what it consists of. So…is it the narcissist I align with…or the one I don’t? From there we could have quite a slippery slope. As such, I am happy for it to be left to parents and other adults with influence to teach children to respect others, and to step in when a child is being victimized, as protection and also as a teaching opportunity. This would not necessarily be in the even of a “fair” fight, similar sizes/ages/numbers etc. I think our children need to be allowed to learn to stand up for themselves and this can be a constructive way for that to happen. Then perhaps discuss it with the child/children at a later juncture. But in a true victimization, step in. One problem I see is that many parents today seem to shirk this responsibility, probably narcissists quite often, they do get a bad rap but in my experience, it is earned. (My parents did not protect me from anything, rather stating “Life isn’t fair, deal with it.”) But also for adults to accept personal responsibility to control urges to hurt another even when they are angry or disappointed, I mean, that’s what being an adult is all about. And, as the understanding of narcissism spreads, hopefully the bulk of society will shut this type of misbehavior down and support the victims. And the victims of such horrendous treatment will be able to see it for what it is, and be able to not take it personal, even though it is intended as such. I do think that some of the things said to these men could potentially fall under fighting words or defamation, maybe incitement or true threats depending on the nature of them. Certainly many would fall under obscenities and also antidiscrimination laws. It wasn’t done in the US, so there is that, laws vary and, social media being what it is, is challenging to hold anyone accountable on. As much as I would like to not have these things happening, and as hurtful as words can be, I agree, Witch’s attitude is a very good one. Another thing to teach our children, look to the source, which very often will take us right back to narcissists in the event of a negative occurrence!

            My ex loves his football, American style. I remember him on many occasions, at the end of a close game where we lost, going back over the plays, to himself but out loud, looking at where it went wrong, how things could’ve played out differently etc. But, for all his faults, he never to my knowledge blamed the guy that missed, for example, the last field goal attempt. Instead he seemed to feel bad for that guy and prefer to look back to see how the final score had come down to the final play. He would never have sent the players a nasty message of any kind. I don’t know what this all means as far as his narcissism, facade maybe? But clearly more “coarsening of society” has taken place for this most recent event to have occurred. I am saddened every time I see more evidence of this happening.

            Thank you for your comment Lisk, it prompted me to think this through, again, do a little research, and organize my thoughts. Much appreciated.

          2. A Victor says:

            Oh no, I had asked for my long rambling comment not to be posted, HG either forgot our didn’t know which one I meant. I apologize, this wasn’t directed at you even as I wrote it but it was really just a bunch of thoughts I had that didn’t need to be here. Though I do appreciate that your and Witch’s discussion made me think my thoughts through.

          3. Witch says:


            I appreciate the experiences you have shared about being mixed race. And I understand the hostility you’re talking about in relation to your sister’s comment. Regardless of the fact that Meghan is a narcissist I’ve seen plenty of ignorant comments directed towards her being biracial and also in particular towards her mother, despite the fact that her father and sister have proven to be an embarrassment whilst Doria has kept much of her personal life private. something that Meghan could learn to do if she wasn’t a narcissist.
            Some people are insinuating that there is no way anyone could be racially prejudiced against Meghan because she is light skinned. I’m light skinned and I’ve been called a Paki (I don’t care about those silly comments,) however I mentioned it because a light skinned mixed race person can be read in different ways; white by some people and “foreign” by others.
            However I agree that the extent to which Meghan has faced racial prejudice has also been largely exaggerated by her fans.

          4. MP says:

            I agree Witch. I actually was irked when I saw a story where Prince William was criticized for not doing anything to help Meghan after he condemned the racist actions against the athletes. It just goes to show how skillful narcissists are at controlling the narrative and not the Royal Family has been smeared unfairly.

          5. MP says:

            *and now

        2. Leigh says:

          Witch, I think this a very tough issue to debate. While I agree with you that our freedom and liberties should not be taken away & we need to stop giving them the power to affect us. I also think that something needs to be done. As a Hispanic female, I’ve had to deal with discrimination my whole life. I’ve been lucky because my husband is of English descent and my surname is now English. The discrimination is dialed back somewhat because if I’m on the phone with someone, they don’t know I’m Hispanic. In that respect, I’m pretty lucky because it only happens in person. However, if I’m at a bar, store or somewhere requiring service, they will walk right past me, as if I don’t even exist. I actually live in NY where its very diversified and its still happening. Also, because I look very young and my children look more like my sisters, people will assume its because I’m Spanish and Spanish people start having babies young. People have actually said this to me. Its the furthest thing from the truth. I had my first baby at 28.

          I know there’s no easy answer. I just wanted to give a different perspective.

          1. A Victor says:

            Hi Leigh, do you think some of what you have experienced may be because you are a woman also? I have experienced being overlooked, feeling invisible, at times, certainly grew up feeling that way, and I am quite Scandinavian looking. I have also wondered how much of it for me stems from being an empath, and just not being very assertive most of the time. It is annoying. I am very interested how it might present differently for you if it is coming from racism, sexism or something else.

          2. Leigh says:

            Hi AV, there’s probably alot of factors. It probably doesn’t help that I’m under 5 foot and I’ve looked like a kid most of my life. Witch makes a very good point too, some of it might be me blowing it out of proportion.

            Its interesting, I have thought on many occasions, why do I have to scream at the top of my lungs in order to be heard.

          3. Eternity says:

            Leigh , you should so cute! I love my son’s girlfriend. She is 4 foot 10 and my son is about 5 foot 7. They are so cute together. I always give her these really long bear hugs. She has a wonderful personality. When she wants to heard she will be heard..

          4. Witch says:


            I’m afraid we can’t have control over how other people think. There are always going to be people who make ignorant comments and sometimes even unintentionally offend others.
            The left has taken this fact and called it “micro aggressions.”
            Now, I completely appreciate that people can be extremely annoying but sometimes through our emotional thinking we can also be guilty of blowing it out of proportion.
            If someone assumes that I have a boyfriend instead of a girlfriend the left are telling me to view that as a micro aggression…
            I chose to view it as statistically more probable, and also due to a lack of individual exposure to a minority, therefore I’m not offended by it.
            Sometimes on our side it’s a confidence issue. I know this intimately because I have struggled with my confidence and self acceptance.
            And I say this without the intention of undermining more significant cases of discrimination.

          5. Leigh says:

            @Witch, I know what you mean. It almost feels like the left is just stirring the pot. While sometimes it might be a “micro aggression”, other times it might just be an innocent question.

            As for blowing it out of proportion, that would be me on many occasions. I always felt like I had to fight for my right to be heard and seen. As I’ve grown older, the over reactions have calmed down a bit.

            MP made a comment about if stopping hate speech isn’t changed voluntarily, then what’s the point. Thats exactly how I feel about being heard or seen. If I have to force someone to see or hear me, is it even worth it?

            Thank you for your response Witch.

          6. MP says:

            Hello AV,

            Interesting observation about the empath factor. I think you have a point there.
            Racists really exists but I think empath’s are more likely to be affected by their behaviors. My MR sister was also against racism but she used racist micro aggressions against me when we were alone together. I experienced the same thing with my stepdaughters. My youngest SD actually opened up to her uncle that my ethnicity aside from my age embarrass her. But I have not seen them be that way to other people who belong to the same ethnicity as me. My older SD even had a friend who was full blooded of my mom’s ethnicity but the lady seems like a Normal and she is married to a professional photographer who took a lot of my SD’s family pictures for free. And yet she criticized my son’s appearance when he was a newborn because of a trait in appearance related to my mom’s race. It sucks when narcs behave differently towards us and towards others but it’s all part of their N behaviors.

            For me when I was working there were customers that avoided going to my window when they have problems that they think were too complicated for me to understand or figure out because of my accent maybe and also because I didn’t have an outwardly confident demeanor (in the Western style of confidence) although I am confident. And then it’s funny when my co-worker that they went to went to me for help because I actually knew the procedures better. But I don’t think it was automatically racism. My husband’s mom was a white immigrant from Germany and they also treated her like she wasn’t smart. I have an old classmate from my home country who is a doctor here in the US now and she said that when she did her residency in the Mid West she experienced a lot of racism but she just ignored it although it annoyed her. They just acted like she was not as good as the other doctors because she isn’t white and she studied in our home country even though she also passed the exams here. My white husband also experienced racism when he was in LA and he went to a fast food chain and the employees there were all Hispanics and they were all ignoring him and not speaking English. Finally after waiting for so long someone asked if anyone can help the white guy. I think that racism is real and also mean and stupid people are everywhere. I also experienced ignorant statements from people that I know didn’t mean to offend me which I just ignore and don’t make any deal about unless it seems like a consistent pattern.

          7. Leigh says:

            MP, I missed this comment. Its very sad because racism happens every where. I have seen reverse discrimination happen too. I think its based on fear. Fear that they will be overrun by another race. I have a girlfriend who says she’s scared that theee will no longer be a “white” race and that’s why shes against interracial relationships. As if your skin color determines if you are important or not. Skin color doesn’t determine if you are a good person. Adolf Hitler is a prime example.

          8. MP says:

            Leigh, I have heard of that thought process before too. About not having enough white race anymore. I think it’s a repugnant thought process and it makes me think the person has a very shallow thought process. But I think it isn’t only present among the whites. Personally I have seen the same thought process present in my home country, in Japan, and among the Chinese and some Indian immigrants in my home country. Among some Indian and Chinese families, they actually disown family members that marry a Filipino or another race. In my home country interracial marriages are so frequent but there is an implied preference for marrying a fellow Filipino over someone from another race. There is even a mentality that Filipino women who marry someone from another race did it for practical purposes or because they couldn’t find a Filipino to fall in love with them. This is probably going to offend some people but it’s the truth. When I went back to my home country as a married woman I got all kinds of criticisms for marrying an American although I would say majority were supportive and positive. But there was always that comment like I betrayed my country or race or something. I remember thinking I wasn’t even completely accepted because I was mixed race so I don’t owe anyone anything. But just to clarify, these are minority of my interactions and majority are very positive and happy for me. My empath aunts totally love my husband and they try so hard to speak English it’s so funny. I honestly don’t know what makes a person be racist like that. Based on my personal observations from my home country, there’s a lot of patriotic pride involved that is in a level that is misinformed or ignorant. I don’t think that these thought process would be present in an empathic person and I agree with H.G. when I really think about it that Normals can have these thought processes too although from my personal experience, these Normals tend to be the ignorant or uneducated kind. But there could be more types than the ones I encountered in my life.

          9. MP says:

            Hello Leigh, I have been ruminating about racism and found this survey that pretty much matches my personal experience from living in two countries. World Population Review did a survey in different countries to measure how racist they are by asking them what type of neighbor they would prefer to live next to. They measured racism based on how many of the participants answered they do not want to live next to someone from a different race. The result was that the US, Latin countries and the UK are actually the most tolerant and least racist countries while many African and Asian countries are the most racist countries. A lot of people don’t realize when they visit a country and people give them extra special treatment it doesn’t mean those people are not racists and it doesn’t mean that the same treatment is given to the people that actually live there and are real members of their community. I don’t think that the US is perfect, I experienced unpleasant things as I have shared here but majority of the people are actually very nice and didn’t make me feel like I was an oddity. I also don’t believe that non white people do not have an equal chance to succeed because I have been seeing my fellow immigrants from my home country do really well and even better than a lot of the whites who grew up here. But this is just my personal truth and I know that a lot of people disagree with me and I understand that.


          10. Leigh says:

            Thank you for sharing this, MP. I agree as a whole that Americans are pretty tolerant. I live in a very diverse neighborhood.
            Unfortunately there are always a few bad apples in the bunch and sometimes they make the most noise.

          11. Witch says:


            I think in a lot of situations we don’t need to force people to be seen or heard. Sometimes you just have to practice walking into a room like you mean business. That might mean having to speak up and say you have been waiting patiently and now you would like to be served.
            When you signal to strangers that you need their approval to cope it makes you more vulnerable because there are definitely people who will exploit that.
            This why it’s important to get rid of any narcissists in your life. You are the most vulnerable to other narcissists when you are already under the control of one or more.
            Even lesser predators can sense when an apex predator is made vulnerable by injuries and will use that opportunity to move in.

          12. Asp Emp says:

            Witch, I liked how you suggested to walk into a room “like you mean business” (I laughed at that, brilliantly put). It is not always easy to do though, I would say it depends on the level of confidence someone has within themselves and whether they are in depression because of their way of thinking ie empath unaware of being under influence of addiction to narcissism.

            I agree and can resonate with your saying about being under the influence of more than one narcissist at one time – it is so difficult and even worse when you don’t know you are in that position – like I was. I am ok now – ET / LT totally in the right levels / place. Even now, I must admit that I think ‘fk’ that was a bad period of my life and ‘thank fk’ I found HG’s site & used his work to achieve what I needed to – for myself and others in the future.

            Thank you for sharing your comment 🙂

          13. Leigh says:

            I do need to practice walking into a room like i mean business. I prefer sneaking in so no one sees me. Hmm, thats interesting. Maybe I do it to myself. But why? Why do I want to be unnoticed? Maybe its because I’m tired of being preyed upon.

          14. MP says:

            Hello Witch, I agree with most of what you say about micro-aggression as being blown out of proportion. I just want to add though that there are times that there are valid micro-aggressions. For example in my personal experience with my MR half sister who was against racism, one time she told me when she was confiding in me about how hard the situation is to have me there and finding out that our dad cheated on her mom with my mom, she said “and of all people he would cheat with he chose a Filipino.” The way she said a Filipino with so much emotion and bitterness in her voice made me feel confused if there is something wrong with it or if it would have been better if it was a Chinese or a Lebanese or an American he cheated with. It was a confusing statement for me especially since she was very politically correct and vocally against racism around everyone else. At that time I was too stirred inside to ask for a clarification and also I was afraid of what I might hear if I asked for a clarification. I also gave her an excuse in my mind that she’s already having such a hard time about it so I just give her a break. Another micro-aggression she did was when she was arguing with me that Filipinos eat bats and I told her in my whole life that I lived there I have never eaten a bat and never saw a restaurant serve it. She insisted we eat bat soup. I googled it and I showed her that it is a different country and she just dismissed and still insisted she was right. She also said when she was going to live in Ecuador that they are clean over there unlike in the Philippines where people spit everywhere. Those little things are hurtful even though they are not exactly aggressive or the traditional sense of racism and those things are so confusing and passive aggressive that oftentimes they are hard to identify or call out. So I think those can be classified as micro aggressions but honestly I could be wrong because I am not well read about what micro-aggression really is. I was just applying what little I have heard about it to my personal experiences.

          15. MP says:

            To add to my previous comment regarding my examples, my husband’s mom, even though she was white and was picked on for being an immigrant from Germany when there was some anger towards Germany after WW2, was also being abused by her husband who was an alcoholic and based on my husband’s stories, I’m guessing he may have been a Lesser. So the comment about being injured because of an existing N entanglement and being picked on by other Ns because they can smell the blood from the wounds I think makes really good sense. I experienced the same thing. I just feel that some Ns like my MR sister would use racist remarks or behaviors to get fuel out of someone and in her case it was micro-aggressions because she was a MR and these aggressions are much easier to deny/gaslight. Just my personal observation.

          16. MP says:


            It sounds like your son’s gf is cute and fun to be around with. My closest friend here in the US is from Mexico and she is not assertive but she doesn’t put up with things. I think she’s a Normal. She is very similar to my husband where she is not a good-doer and shoulder to cry on or a community volunteer kind of person and not emotional at all either. But she’s a very good person and very much into her family and religion but she doesn’t seem to care about being accepted by anyone. I haven’t seen anyone be mean to her but I don’t think it would have affected her because she just doesn’t care enough. I personally can relate to what Leigh described as I also have things about my demeanor/affect/personality that makes it look like I am an easy target or easy to pick on or underestimate. Although now my skin is thicker and I don’t care anymore either. Maybe because I am also aging so I just don’t care anymore.

          17. Witch says:

            I agree that people can make deliberate hostile comments which are more covertly racist that could be considered a “micro aggression.”
            However many people make comments or ask questions out of curiosity due to having a lack of exposure to a particular minority in their country which may also be considered a “micro aggression.”
            Asking where someone is from (meaning their ethnic background) can be seen as inherently a micro aggression now…
            It could also be a “micro aggression” if you don’t know how to pronounce a a name that is foreign to your country.
            For me context and intent is still relevant.

          18. MP says:

            I agree with you Witch. In those examples, people are just finding opportunities to be outraged and the real victim is the one being accused of micro-aggression. This has been my pet peeve for a long time as well.

        3. MP says:

          A big part of me wants hate and mean speech online to stop. But if it isn’t through voluntary change of behavior then what’s the point.

        4. Dave says:

          Agreed. I don’t care how other people want to live their lives. So don’t try to tell me how to live mine!

          The people in favor of cancel culture and control of speech are completely blind to the fact that today it’s used against us but tomorrow it will be used againsto them.
          Everyone should have the right to say what they want even when they’re are wrong.

      2. A Victor says:

        The idea of social scoring (cannot be non-subjective), the WHO creating a list of people vaccinated (our private health records no longer being private), the rewriting of history (taking our ability, thus limiting our right, to know all sides of a topic), freedom of speech being challenged on all sides (oddly and sadly, the horrible attacks on these men will likely be used to have some impact on that) etc. I wish the narcs would step down, it is frightening to see our rights under threat as they currently seem to be. My son and I started 1984 last night, I am honestly surprised that we could even find it, given the climate in the world today seeming to tend in that very direction. Glad though, good for young people to watch it.

        1. MP says:

          As long as humans are involved it cannot be unbiased. Just like the fact checking scam on Facebook and in the news that has been such a joke because of how biased it is.

        2. Dave says:

          Just watched Dr. Zivago with my family (have it on VHS) Scary how the attitudes that led to communism then are gaining ground now.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Being out the iodine!

          2. lisk says:

            They’ve been gaining ground for the past 60 years–yes, even during the time of the filming of Dr. Z.

            We’ve been warned . . . and warned . . . and warned . . . and warned . . . !

          3. Violetta says:


            Notice how he tries to be a good sport when they take over his house, and how unimpressed they are? They’d prefer resistance; then they get to crush it.

          4. Dave says:


            I hated that part.
            Gets back home from serving his country to find they trashed his house and took all his property and tried to provoke him.
            He was smart though, he sarcastically says this is much better, more just.

  15. Asp Emp says:

    Are captions available on this video?

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Thank you, HG – I will be able to read this video and comment, if needed. I can at least share it on Facebook. Thank you 🙂

    2. Leigh says:

      HI Asp, I was able to watch with captions.

  16. Duchessbea says:

    The players played their best and gave it their all. They are a young team and have many years ahead of them to become a very strong team. Disgraceful the abuse they have received after the match. Anyone who sent those horrendous messages from the comfort of hiding behind their phones/computer screens are cowards and not true fans of the game. The fact that the team got to the finals is a massive success and great achievement and should be celebrated. Gareth Southgate did an amazing and brilliant job with the team. The players conducted themselves with dignity and respect on the pitch and should hold their heads up high, for what they achieved was brilliant. The Italians on the other-hand were the dirtiest and most violent team of players, and there should have been a lot more frees to the England players, than what there was given to the players. England players did themselves proud, did their country proud, and showed the world what a great team they are, and will be a force to be reckoned with at the World Cup in Qatar in 2022. England players hold your heads up high. You did brilliantly.

  17. lickemtomorrow says:

    I always die when a game comes down to penalties. It’s heart in your mouth stuff as you wait to see the outcome. I don’t envy any player ever put in that position, and felt the same way when I watched the game on Sunday. My first thought, with that final missed penalty, was “he’s going to be devastated.” Devastated in feeling he let the team and the country down. You could see it written all over his reaction with his team members quick to respond. Anyone with any type of empathy would able to put themselves in that young player’s shoes and imagine how he would be feeling. He was entitled to and deserving of all our sympathy. As were the others. Some of the first commentary around the scenario was criticism of the coaching and not of the players themselves.

    I appreciate your explanation, HG, around the behavoiurs of some fans and what that is based on. I’d say the majority of people are shocked and offended at how this whole thing has played out. Instead of being able to celebrate the team’s achievement in making it to the final and commisserating over their loss, it’s become another race row which it never needed to be. Boris Johnson, Prince William and Captain of the team, Harry Kane, all came out immediately to condemn the behaviour. Which is the type of leadership needed to ensure people understand the behaviour is not acceptable.

    Disappointment in the wake of England’s loss was inevitable. The racial villification was not. I was glad to see many more people rush to decry the behaviour of certain fans by their response. That is certainly a more hopeful element to come out of the whole affair.

    Thanks again for helping us make sense again of what is difficult to make sense of at times.

  18. Alexander the Authentic says:

    I am definitely glad you covered this topic HG. I was rooting for England this past weekend in the Euro Final as well as most of my friends and family here in the States. I was disappointed with the racial abuse the players received. This video gives great clarity into who is conducting the racial abuse and why they are doing it.

    I also noticed these other behaviors from fans during the Final. Booing during the opponent’s national anthem, storming Wembley Stadium with no tickets, rioting, attacking fans, and football hooliganism. Obviously there is football hooliganism everywhere as it is not only present in England. Based on what I’ve learned from this video as well as the Online Trolling video, I think it is safe to assume that these behaviors and football hooliganism can be conducted by a wide range of people.

    1. Alexissmith2016 says:

      I’m saving this one for tomorrow. All of those boys showed such amazing courage. I absolutely adore rashford, he’s amazing! Such inner strength for such a young man. How he stood up to the government to do what is right. It could have gone horribly wrong for him and then taking a penalty at a major tournament. Wow! How many people would have the courage to do what he and they did. But he stood for what he believes in and didn’t stop. To then have to deal with the racial abuse it’s just horrendous. I cannot understand why a person would take pleasure in being horrible to another.

      1. Alexander the Authentic says:

        You’re right! The lads from England gave their best and have a lot to be proud of. I did not know that about Rashford until you mentioned it. That’s pretty incredible! I’ve always liked Southgate and the English players. Fans of every team are always a mixed bag of good and bad.

        Unfortunately, I was watching the game with a family member who is a Normal. He was disappointed and he brought up the race of the three players who missed. I definitely didn’t like that, but HG’s video gave me insight into why he did that.

        It’s great to learn about empaths & narcissists, but it’s also definitely helpful to learn about the behaviors of normals and narcissistic individuals as well.

  19. Fiddleress says:

    Brilliant video. I am not exactly interested in football, but I would have liked England to win, even if I love Scotland as well.

  20. MP says:

    I had been wondering about the link of racism and narcissism. This explanation makes a lot of sense. I can’t imagine someone with empathy being racist. For as long as I can remember as a child I had natural empathy towards a group of indigenous people in my home country when I saw on TV how they were treated in a mean and discriminatory way. And that was without any education regarding discrimination or racism. It was just natural for me to know and feel that it was absolutely wrong and immoral.

    I’m starting to think my husband might be an empath because I have no memory of him being racist. Although he had been very critical of some woke people and some of them are people of color, he criticized their behaviors and hypocrisy. I had been wondering if a Normal like my husband is not racist then maybe having empathy would stop someone from being racist. But if only narcissists are racist then how come racist behaviors and systems had been dominant in some parts of history. For racism or oppression to be a norm in any point of history, it has to be accepted by the majority of people and that cannot happen if only narcissists are the ones involved in the oppression. So the involvement of the Normals makes sense.

    In my point of view, the narcissists are present in every race and every political persuasion and when narcissism manifests in someone who is an activist against racism, division (and sometimes racism) is still present in their thought process and they demonize the people that they view as oppressors in a black and white thinking manner. That has been my concern with the Critical Race Theory being taught to minors who might not have enough critical thinking abilities developed yet.

    My Mexican friend and I both experienced feeling objectified by some people who are against racism and made us feel like victims that need to be saved by them or defended by them. I remember my half sister was also very liberal and yet when it was just me and her she did behaviors that made me feel less because I am half a person of color and I am from another country. My half brother however, a liberal as well and a Normal has never done any micro-aggressions towards me even when no one else is around. The need to assert control causing someone to behave in a racist way makes so much sense since I remember those micro-aggressions happened when my half sister was not getting her way while my half brother is very successful in his life and has enough empathy and a lot of intelligence to not need to engage in that behavior.

    My UMR BIL is not racist although he enjoys mind games, triangulation and shifting sands. Racism is totally below him as he is very intelligent as well. My younger stepdaughter told him that one of the reasons she hate me aside from my age is my ethnicity and he made sure she understood how wrong that is and to never say those things again. He even advised her to learn about different cultures.

  21. Eternity says:

    This is totally unacceptable. These men tried their best. I would like to see the people that gave racial remarks make it to the finals or even make the team. I bet they can’t even kick a soccer ball. Get a life.

    1. A Victor says:

      Exactly. My thinking goes immediately to how horrible they must feel at having let down their team and their country. It’s just so wrong that they’ve been treated this way. It was such a good video for understanding the bigger picture of racism and the narcissist, really abuse in general and narcissists, and their utter lack of concern for others, their hatred even when they’re offended. I could hear the venom in HG’s voice and it took me back to many events, sad and scary events, where my narcissists had to get control. Very powerful.

      1. Eternity says:

        Of course they must have felt terrible. I saw it and felt it myself in my bones. They should be proud of even making it this far. Yes, it would have been a bonus to actually win the Euro Cup, but these people would have found something else to complain about. It is always about the control A Victor and it unfortunately it always be will. Can’t change it

    2. MP says:

      Get a life is definitely an apt statement for these people. They are most likely not successful in their own lives so they have the need to through acquisition of traits make an extension of a sports team upon themselves. It is horrible what people are able to say freely online about others.

  22. Sweetest Perfection says:

    Wonderful explanation, HG. I read Marcus Rashford’s remarks, he was clearly devastated for having missed the penalty but he said he would never apologize for who he is or his origin. It is heartbreaking. And I’m starting to feel a tremendous repulsion for normals. Wtf is wrong with them? Narcissists don’t have empathy so I kind of understand. But how can normals switch their empathy off so easily? I worry about the future of these three young players. Will they quit sports? Will they fall into athletic oblivion?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      They are not consciously switching it off. It is for the reasons explained in the video.

      1. Sweetest Perfection says:

        I know it is not conscious. It’s just difficult for me to understand how their selective empathy works. If you don’t have any, you just don’t have it. But if you have empathy, if you know what it feels like to put yourselves in someone else’s shoes, how can your brain not generate the same feelings for other humans?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because something else overrides it

          1. alexissmith2016 says:

            Hmmm okay so the closest I understand to switching empathy off, I’ve been painting a wall we rendered today. Normally I try and blow away any spiders/flies etc as I dont want to be responsible for their death. But today there were soooo many landing on my lovely white wall, in the end there were a fair few casualties. My empathy for them had eroded because it they were ruining my wall.

            That said, I don’t have any at all for Ns. it’s gone completely, but that does not mean I would be nasty (tricky maybe) but not downright horrible. Well…at least not in an attacking sense anyway.

          2. Sweetest Perfection says:

            Alexis, I try to keep all beings alive too. I even tried to save a mosquito from drowning in my shower the other day. I know it sounds idiotic, but I can’t just kill and move on. The “killing without feelings” is not my style ha ha.

        2. Mel says:

          External stressors.

      2. BC30 says:

        “[h]ere are many individuals who do and they are drawn from some narcissists and some normals.” Duh. It makes logical sense empaths wouldn’t watch this. Yet again, the obvious that didn’t occur to me at first glance.

  23. A Victor says:

    This is sickening.

    My mother is the most racist person I have ever known, no surprise.

    1. A Victor says:

      This explains so much.

    2. Mel says:

      What a surprise!!!

      1. A Victor says:


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