One of my early girlfriends, Olivia (amazing legs by the way) said that one of the things she really liked about me when we first got together was the pride I showed in broadcasting to the world that I was in a relationship with her. She expressed surprise and delight at how widespread my announcement that we were together was. I posted repeated and regular updates on Facebook of us together, at different restaurants, on the beach, at dinner parties, holding one another and smiling for all to see. I would tweet about how happy I was as a consequence of being with her and also what a breath of fresh air she was compared to the stale, possessive relationship I had been in previously. I would take her to a dizzying array of drinks receptions (both with friends and with work) and introduce you to all and sundry, positively bursting with pride. I ensured we attended plenty of dinner parties and barbecues where we worked our way around the other guests as I enthused about her wonderful qualities knowing full well that those who were in attendance would post about it on their Facebook pages and talk to other friends and acquaintances. Well we all enjoy the latest gossip don’t we? I changed my ringtone to her favourite pop song and when people commented on the tune I would explain why I had chosen it. I spread the news as far as I possibly could, using every available channel of the dissemination of information, content that once the news was out there, it would continue to spread. Yes, Olivia was utterly swept off her feet by the huge exposure I gave her to this glamorous lifestyle of mine and moreover the repeated and concentrated blasts of heralding our coupling. She adored me for it. Of course, what she had not realised that I was not doing it for her. I was letting Sandy, who I had discarded the week prior, know just how happy I was without her and how she was missing out. That’s what it was all about.
My mother used to call me her ray of sunshine. As I got older, I asked her if she called me this because I brightened up her life. She told me, “No, it is because you are brighter than anyone else.” I cannot disagree with her. Years later, Becky (an ex girlfriend) told me that I thought I was the sun. I remembered what my mother had said but I had learned that Becky did like to compliment me so I stopped myself from saying my mother’s words and asked Becky if she described me as such because I lit up her life. She shook her head and replied,
“It is because everything has to revolve around you.”
I took issue with her comment. It is not the case that everything has to revolve around me, it just does. I think that is because of my innate magnetism. People enjoy being around me. I enjoy people being around me. I revel in their adoration. It is only right and proper that they recognise my brilliance and in so doing want to be near me, with me and praising me. I mean, who does not like to be praised? We all do don’t we? Nothing wrong in that. I think that because I get so much of it I find it addictive and I want more. I want people to admire and adore me. I know they should, but that doesn’t always mean they will. Of course, if they don’t I won’t waste my energy on them, there are much more deserving targets for my largesse. I heard someone say that you only get out what you put in. I agree ; I put people at the centre of my sights and they adore me in return. Perhaps if more people did this the world would be full of adoration and be a better place.
One of the common themes in my sessions with Dr E and Dr O is their need (note not mine) to have me be aware of what I am. Of course I know what I am but as ever I went along with their questioning. Initially this was all about how I regarded myself. I enjoyed this part and I could have gone on for some time. They reported back to me that I consider myself as more intelligent than most people, that I am more amusing, I am more likeable and more successful. I am also more physically attractive than most people. Well, hell yeah ! They then also established that I am obsessed with power (who isn’t if they have any drive and ambition – you don’t become President by sitting there do you?). I am also impulsive. I agree. I am arrogant (I call it confidence but what’s in a word?) and I like to exaggerate my success and abilities. That is true, how else am I going to get people to do what I want.
Things got interesting after that. The sneaky duo had been asking questions of others about how they perceived me. I was fascinated as they told me that their perceptions of me were bang on what I thought about myself. How about that for getting it right? I was rather pleased. Dr O asked,
“Some of those traits could be viewed in a negative light. That is how other people see you. Does that not concern you that they view in a negative manner.”
I shook my head.
“You label it as negative. I regard those traits as strengths and it is clear that other people do as thy have clearly identified them with me.”
She raised her eyebrows (recently plucked I noticed) and remarked,
“What if I told you that those people do regard those traits as negative?”
“If they do then that is jealousy for you. Or I suppose they are too stupid to recognise the brilliance of what I do.”
“Okay, but what if I was to tell you that those people are intelligent and they answered honestly and consistently?” she pressed.
Mirrors are important to me. Dr E passed me a mirror and asked me to look into it I was happy to oblige. I noticed my lips looked full and inviting, my complexion was clear and my eyes bright. I smoothed down my eyebrows with a finger and adjusted my hair slightly and then again until I was satisfied. I looked a while longer and content I looked great I lowered the mirror. Dr E asked me who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I frowned and told him I see myself. He asked how many mirrors I have at home. I explained there was one in every room and two in the master bedroom and the bathroom. He asked why so many. I said it ensured that I could always check my appearance so I always looked smart and attractive. Plus they make rooms look bigger don’t they?
He invited me to look into the mirror once again. I was happy to oblige. He said, “I want you to keep looking into the mirror until I tell you to stop.” I nodded by way of confirmation and sat with the mirror in my hands as I looked at my reflection. I kept looking and Dr E said nothing. I glanced at him and he instructed me to keep my gaze on the mirror and keep it there. I did as he instructed and continued to look seeing myself staring back at me. The minutes passed and still I continued to look into the mirror and Dr E remained silent. Suddenly, I threw the mirror to one side as I emitted a strangled gasp. It hit the floor and shattered. Dr E did not jump or start.
“Why did you do that?” he asked in his usual measured tone.
“I didn’t like what was looking back at me,” I blurted out before I made for the door.