How No Contact Feels – Part One


No Contact is the holy grail of escaping from the grip of our kind. It is the of course, for numerous reasons, both on your side and ours, it is not always possible to achieve it. Nevertheless, because No Contact amounts to ignoring our kind, it remains the most powerful tool in the victim’s armoury. You are always advised to implement it and keep it in place when you have ascertained that you are dealing with one of our kind. Not only does it provide you with a period of respite after a tumultuous period of time, so that you can recuperate and gather some much needed strength, it also reduces drastically our effect on your because we operate so much based on our interaction with you. Although we may derive Thought Fuel from knowing how you will react to many of our manipulations that will only sustain us for a period of time until it then begins to fade. If we continue to apply the same manipulation in expectation of a response but there is none forthcoming which we can witness, then the envisioned reaction loses its potency and moves from Thought Fuel to a criticism of us because we are being ignored. Thus if you have escaped out clutches and we send you a series of text messages, at first we envision that you will be upset to receive them and this provides us with Thought Fuel. If there is no response however, this Thought Fuel fades in its potency and we are left feeling ignored after a period of time and this then amounts to a criticism and ignites our fury. This is why No Contact is so important to you and so infuriating to us.

How then do our kind feel when No Contact has been implemented? Let us begin with the Lesser Narcissist. If you tell the Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship has ended and do so in person, you have just ignited the blue touch paper. His instinctive reaction is one of huge criticism at this rejection. He will barely feel the rejection however as the ignition of his fury will be almost immediate. A massive eruption of heated fury will occur and you are in physical danger. He will not beg for you to stay; he will not plead with you. Such thoughts do not present themselves to him because the proverbial red mist has descended. Rage is coursing through him, furious and visceral rage which obliterates any rational thinking. He has lost control and he will direct this heated fury at you. He will physically prevent your departure as he locks doors, removes keys, bolts gates, closes windows and so forth. Expect the tyres on your car to be slashed or the windscreen put through as he continues to pace back and forth, cursing and hurling all manner of insults at you There is a complete loss of control. He may very well attack you, blind fury causing a flurry of punches and kicks in your direction. If there is a weapon to hand it will be used. His instinctive response is one he has not control over and it is done to achieve one thing and one thing alone; to cause you pain. He has no time to make your frustrated or angry. He cannot wait (although he does not know this) for the tears to flow (although they will). He need fuel because this massive rage that has been caused through the horrendous wound you have generated from you telling him it is over and you are leaving is draining him and draining him fast. The huge wound you have created needs to be healed and the ignited fury is using his fuel up and doing so quickly. He needs an emotional reaction from you. It must be straight away. Thus he lashes out at your verbally and physically to generate a pained response by you, accompanied by fear and then upset. This will give him the instant hit of fuel. This will begin to repair the wound. He will not allow you to get away from him for two reasons. The first is that subconsciously he needs you there to provide the fuel which he needs. Secondly, allowing you to go would more or less finish him, since it would be a further criticism. This departure criticism wounds on two fronts. First, the very fact you are going (having said that you were) opens up another criticism by telling him he is not good enough. Secondly, the fact he has not been able to stop you, destroys his sense of power and control. The first criticism of telling him it is over if allowed to combined with the double-edged criticism of departure will bring him to the brink of collapse. Thus his instinctive reaction is both to stop your departure and to draw fuel from you. If he injures you, this will most likely prevent your departure. He will keep attacking you until the rage subsides. This will happen when the wound has been healed by the fuel you provide.

If you cannot escape but (somehow) provide no fuel when assaulted (physically and verbally) your criticism of telling him, you will go will continue to wound him. He has no choice but to keep attacking you in order to provoke a reaction. It is a knee jerk response and extremely unlikely as it is, if you failed to provide fuel, this continued assault would most likely result in you being killed. Of course nearly everybody subjected to this would respond in pain and fear, thus the fuel is provided. Significant (and potentially life threatening) harm will already have happened. Once the rage subsides, you will be left in a crumpled heap, possibly unconscious as finally the rage leaves him.

Telling a Lesser Narcissist that the Formal Relationship is over and doing so face to face is an extremely dangerous step.

What of the situation whereby you leave a letter, send a message or just do nothing and allow him to work out that it is over? Once realisation has dawned on him that you have departed, the fury is ignited once again. There is the first criticism and he is severely wounded. The second criticism has not yet happened however. That double-edged criticism has not occurred. This is because although you have left he was not given the chance at the point of knowing it was over to try to stop you. Thus, his fury is ignited but he is not overwhelmed (yet) by the wound. With fury ignited, the Lesser will fly into a rage and lash out at those around him in an immediate knee jerk response to draw fuel in order to address the wound. Straight away his only thought is to find you. If he does and is able to face you face to face, then scenario will pan out as above. He will smash things up in order to reach you, break down doors, assault people to get past them and once he has you face to face you will be ordered to return home. If you do not, you will be forcibly taken back, assaulted in the process. It is akin to a caveman dragging his wife back to the cave.

If you manage to resist his attempts to drag you back, either because he cannot find you or if he can find you he cannot reach you, the failure to achieve his aim will wound him further. Anybody who is in his path – friends, family, strangers, the police – will feel the full force of his raging fury. This will continue in a bid to draw fuel from them. If fuel is provided it will not completely heal the wound (in the way fuel form you would) but rather it will provide him with enough to cause the rage to subside. He will then withdraw to lick his wounds and seek out alternative fuel. He may return, but not straight away. His follow-up hoovers will depend on entering the spheres of influence. His immediate need will be to recover from this criticism and find a new primary source whilst relying on fuel from secondary and tertiary sources.

If you resist his attempts to drag you back and he is unable to draw fuel in the immediacy from those around him – for example he is arrested and slung in his cell, or people stay out of his way- thus he is denied fuel, he will be teetering on the edge of oblivion. The rage will be extinguished as there is nothing left to power it anymore. He will feel weak and a sense of his world coming to an end. He will withdraw and enter a depressed state, hiding away from the cruel and tormenting world. He will stay in this state until such time as someone provides him with the first drops of fuel to pull him from this depressed and weakened state. Like water hitting a thirsting plant, he will respond to this fuel and then have sufficient energy to seek out more and then more, continuing his recovery until he is functioning in his usual way. At this point, he will need a new primary source (if one has not already presented itself to him) and he will apply himself to securing this (which may include hoovering you if circumstances allow). If you are not hoovered, he will seduce a different new primary source and then be occupied with that primary source. You will largely be left alone unless you enter the inner spheres of influence which will unleash a hoover.

The reaction of the Lesser Narcissist to No Contact is one of blinding, blazing fury. He lashes out left, right and centre in the immediate and pressing need for fuel. If he obtains fuel from you and secures stopping you from leaving, the rage will abate. If he cannot stop you but secures fuel, he will eventually withdraw, rage unable to be powered, but with sufficient fuel to still function and seek out a new primary source. If that fuel is denied to him he will ultimately shut down until such time as fuel is provided to awaken him again.

The Lesser’s immediate response is dangerous, violent but entirely predictable.



  1. I ghosted mine when I seen him change. I knew that he was changing and I seen the female(s) stuff over his apartment and I hadn’t been there all week, So, I dipped. Blocked him on Facebook and phone. I have had weird stuff happen. Fake friend requests, fake messenger request from friends who are already friends. I know it’s him. This was not happening before until I left him alone. Why do they do that? Act like they don’t want you and then you leave it’s a problem. I was told it was a good thing that I didn’t break up with him face to face. Now, I truly believe it. He might have beat me up or something. I am athletic, ex military and took a little bit of Ju Jitsu, but no match for him I tell you that. Now, I know why he always wanted to wrestle with test how strong I was and formulate a plan to hurt me. I was under the influence that the new supply(s) would suffice. Hell, he has THREE PHONES and I figured he’d be fine with his new or old toy. I didn’t think that it would come to that above. That is why I carry. I am not going to be a victim of abuse again. I seen this coming and I vacated. Will he go away since I caused such an open salt wound?? I don’t know what he will do next but I feel like he needs to move on. He has plenty of new prospects or even old ones to chose from, what is so special about me??? I just was good to him, tried to do things with him, but I guess he was not happy because he couldn’t control what I have. They do have abandonment issues like crazy. He hated when I left him after being intimate. I didn’t understand why he would geek and get nutty. One day, he threatened me because I was going to go home. He said he was not going to let me leave. He was absolutely serious. The look on his face said so. I don’t scare easy, but I said to myself, how the hell am I going to get out of this?? Well, the opening presented itself and I took it. Today makes 65 days of no contact. 65!!! I am trying to be careful, watchful and aware of my surroundings because with these people/creatures…you never know.

  2. Is the reaction the same for IPPS and IPSS? I was a IPSS, IPPS for 8 months, then IPSS for a year.
    I implemented no contact right after our email consultation. I’ve been reading your books, again, and I’m feeling much better. Thank you!

    1. Thank you for reading. The response is of a greater magnitude for the IPPS than the IPSS because of the very important status of the IPPS and all that comes with that.

  3. Holy crap. That was so revealing, HG. Wow. I had not realized that my first love, someone I dated a year and a half when I was in high school, was a lesser narc! Thought it was just love that was too immature to survive, that it was not healthy, but not all bad. The way our breakup fits your description is so eerie it’s like you were there.

    He was 24 when I was 16 so there was a significant age difference, and I don’t think he ever cheated, but he expressed constant fear that I would, and he would make threats. It started out loving and passionate. His family had only seen his angry side, and they all said I had saved him. I thought we were going to get married. It felt real, like having someone just love and accept him WAS what he needed. But it wasn’t enough, it was never enough, and I didn’t know at the time, he was stalking me while we were together. His rage showed at times and once he put his fist through his windshield.

    Ultimately I ended it over the phone because he was being verbally abusive, and I wanted to just not deal with it anymore for a bit. This enraged him, so he got more threatening. At this point, I knew I never wanted to see him again. It was a shitty ending for a long relationship (that’s long for a teenager). He stalked and threatened me and my loved ones over a year. He sued me for losing his class ring, which was dismissed thankfully. He screamed threats at my grandmother when he drove past her house. He harassed both my parents, he found my dorm phone number in college later and called there, he harassed a friend. Then it would die down a bit, and then start again. He passed me on the road one day, then turned around and followed me. He saw me at the mall and threatened me and called me a whore publicly for things he imagined I was doing (I wasn’t). It took a year, but finally we were able to charge him with stalking and harassment. He took a plea deal which resulted in a restraining order. He did at least follow the order and leave us the fuck alone.

    In all of that, I see how he was demanding fuel from everyone I loved when he couldn’t get it from me. The fact that I would even have just wanted a moment to breathe after an argument, that was a huge insult to him, and what started his rage spiraling.

    It’s so fucking crystal clear now!

    Thank you, HG.

  4. HG How does a lesser react to being told that you are not interested if he has asked you out. I didn’t so much say that I wasn’t interested in him……..I was too afraid too……..instead I said I wasn’t interested in men………however now I think he thinks I am interested in women!!!!! Although that doesn’t seem to be putting him off either……..What is the best way to get rid of a lesser that is pursuing you, without wounding them. This is someone that I cannot completely avoid but I have never dated. If for example he found out I was seeing someone else after I have said to him I am not interested in men, is he going to react badly?????? I wish I hadn’t read this article…….just a few months ago, two miles up the road from me, a women was murdered, stabbed 50+ times, by a man that she simply did not want to be in a relationship with……although in this case, she had been in a relationship with him and then called it off……..Diva

    1. Dependent on how it is done, he may persevere (but not for long) or if you wound you will cause an ignition of fury and he will lash out at you with heated fury. If you deny a narcissist, you wound us, the most effective way with a Lesser during seduction is to tell him nothing and just disappear, ensure he is blocked and hopefully he does not know where you live.

      1. Again you are correct, the Lesser did persevere but not for long, I just didn’t reply to his messages or phone calls. He did not get very far with me other than a few conversations that were unavoidable. This is a small town where everyone is related and as such, he knows exactly where I live……and even if he didn’t…….it’s my guess after reading your articles, that any narc interested in an empath, would not rest until they had that information in any event. I am hoping that is the end of him, as it wasn’t really a seduction period of any kind…..he was just testing out the waters and found those waters ice cold!!!! Thank you for your reply…… I didn’t think I was going to get one and I know better than to ask!!!!!……….Diva

  5. I am, unfortunately, one of those people who often have to hear something over and over before understanding will occur. I think I have finally understood why everyone always preaches “no contact.” I’ve never understood that despite my many experiences with narcissists over the course of my life.

    I have never used no contact and never seen the importance of it. Not implementing no contact has never hurt me. I think I finally understand this dichotomy. It is because I have never had any type of relationship with a lesser narcissist. Reading this it finally hit me – for all of you all involved with lessers, it can be essential for your safety and to escape the narc. Thanks be to God, I’ve only had midrangers and greaters (who feared legal consequences). At least I am capable of understanding, even if it comes slowly.

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