Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery
This is a capricious, arbitrary and hostile world. It must be brought to heel, tamed and subjected to the exertion of control. My control.
This is why I must cause every appliance that I come across to become attached to me. From my next door neighbour who I say hello to and exchange banal pleasantries with for the sake of my façade (even though I would readily drive a rusty meat hook through his malformed cranium if he tells me again about the refurbishment details of his latest property acquisition) through to my friends who join me for drinks on a Friday evening through to the latest girlfriend that I parade, all of them must be attached to me.
The creation of my construct is the device which causes these individuals to become attached to me. That magnificent edifice which is created from the mirrors which I show towards those whose paths I cross. Make the ticket inspector smile on the train by supporting him dealing with a obstreperous teenage passenger, encourage a friend in his plans to lose weight, show that prospective IPPS her own hopes and desires so she begins to fall in love. All of that is the work of the construct which is designed to draw each and every source – from the tertiary through to the ever-so-crucial Intimate Partner Primary Source – to me and cause them to attach to me.
Whether the barista thinks I am a pleasant and loyal customer, a junior colleague considers me an inspirational boss, the lady I pass every other day whilst out running gives me a smile of acknowledgement and admiration, whether a friend considers me someone he can turn to for advice, whether she falls hopelessly in love with me; there are thousands of different ways for these appliances to attach to me.
It might be a jealous co-worker who seethes at my arrogance, the nervous supplier who dreads my call demanding what is behind his company’s latest cock-up, the weeping cast off who was once the apple of my eye but is now a maggot-infested windfall, all of them remain attached to me.
It is through causing these appliances to be attached to me that I can exert control as I assimilate them into my world. They are mine to control, to utilise, to extract from and through this I can then control my environment. By controlling my environment I aim to minimise the traitorous ambush or the treacherous mutiny. Keeping everything in its place, subject to my control and functioning as I require it, means I drive forward and order is maintained.
Attachment is the key to achieving this. I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment. I will give you the illusion of the golden period, I will lie to you, I will give you generosity, I will show you largesse, I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support, the promise of fuel and the years of practised scrutiny enabling me to give you what you want so I secure your attachment.
Yet for all these fuel pipelines that are connected to me, for all of the bridges that have been built, the links which have been carefully constructed, they are all one-way. It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.
That is why I am so able to turn on the person that I supposedly love and watch as the tears trickle down the disbelieving face as I lambast her for wearing the wrong shade of red or turning up two minutes late. That is why I can lie between the silken thighs of another and promise her the world whilst you lie awake wondering where I am and praying that I have not been involved in a road accident. That is why I can assure you that you will be promoted by year end and in the next meeting offer it to somebody else instead. That is why I can decide not to turn up to the dinner party you have spent a month planning and go and watch a film elsewhere. That is why I can smash your grandmother’s watch with a ballpein hammer as you observe, in a fit of hysterics.
My lack of attachment allows me to disappoint, renege, cheat, lie, provoke, hurt, torture and abuse. It gives me fluidity, mobility and efficiency. I am not hampered by guilt, nor remorse or a sense of obligation. I form no attachment with you. I do not feel it.
You may ask me what I might think of those who I interact with and I can conjure up the tributes and platitudes in an instant:-
“John? Excellent worker, never lets the company down, a key member of the team.”
“She is a wonderful woman, I do not know what I would do without her. She is my world.”
“He is amazing. First name on the team sheet every week.”
“NarcSide Inc? Fucking brilliant. Use them. I did once. Never gone anywhere else.”
But for all of this I feel nothing by way of attachment. I bolt you on to me, but I will not attach to you. What does attachment bring? Nothing but misery. Look around and you will see the woe and pain that being attached brings for people.
You become attached to a pet dog which will die in 10 years’ time and you cry for the loss of your furry friend. Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?
You are attached to your employer and show loyalty? What for? So they can bend you over and shaft you by making you redundant and show you the door without even a tub of lube to ease the pain of the experience?
You are attached to your house, but you have to sell it, or it burns down, or it is flooded, or someone breaks in and yet more pain is dumped on you.
You are attached to your friend and share everything with that person and then one day he is mowed down by an articulated lorry and is left nothing but a smear on the road. You are distraught, besides yourself with grief because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to a lover, a girlfriend, a husband, a partner only for them to cheat on you, to leave you for someone else, to shuffle off this mortal coil pumped full of morphine or grasping their chest as a heart attack takes them from you. Your world comes crashing in, you are shattered, besides yourself with grief and it is all because of your attachment.
You attach yourself to offspring only for them to disappoint you, leech from you, turn to an unsavoury lifestyle which embarrasses you and dismays you because you are attached to them. Or you are always worrying how they are getting on at school, will they secure that job, pass their driving test, find a good man or woman? Your feelings are put through the mill owing to this attachment.
Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty, a sense of achievement and more besides. I have heard it before, but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.
It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.
Yet for me, I do not even have to contemplate creating that tower or ensuring that the ditch is dug deep. I do not have to roll out the figurative barbed wire and electric fences to keep people out. This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done.
I can attach them to me. That is easy. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. A combination of brilliance, charm, magnetism, manipulation and the identification of those from the strong to the weak and back again who are the best for succumbing to being attached to me. I can bring that about through all of the various seduction techniques I have described before.
Yet for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist, from tertiary to secondary to primary source, I do not know how to form an emotional attachment with someone. I may align interests and outcomes and sense a mutuality of purpose but I feel nothing for these appliances. There is no bond. There is nothing attaching me to them. The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel from all those in my fuel matrix pervades my relationship with those in that matrix. I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships with all those around me.
Whatever it is that compels you to feel connected to somebody else, whatever you describe it as and I have heard people do so on many occasions, I remain unable to sense and experience it myself.
There is just nothing there.
Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.
The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.
I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.
143 thoughts on “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery”
Hell Lou, if you get him drunk I’ll do it for free. What are we looking for? His head?
Why is it always ANAL probing. Why not ever an ear, a mouth, or any other orifice? Must all aliens be into ass play?
Take the money Lou. Then you can pay someone to ream his ass and still be ahead.
Because the subject secretly hopes the aliens will do that. The aliens actually always go in through the nose but that sounds less fun.
Hahaha. Sounds credible.
Don’t you watch TV? That is where the aliens begin their probing. BTW, I would take the money, too.
Everyone knows television is fake and cant be trusted. When I need reliable information I go straight to Facebook.
K, Narc Angel,
I did not think of anal probing when I was fantasizing about his abduction by aliens. I rather imagined him on a fancy spacecraft surrounded by friendly yet quiet aliens who were trying to communicate with him telepathically. I then imagined the thin and pale aliens very bewildered after having read the content of his dyslexic brain and have long and animated telepathic discussions among them about the mysteries and wonders of the survival of our species. It was quite entertaining for a moment.
However, I solved my dilemma very quickly; as tempting as it is to have him taken to another galaxy, I definitely prefer to win the big jackpot in the lottery.
Narc Angel, thanks for your generous offer. I will think about it. If I win the lottery, I could even pay you.
Don’t forget Twitter. Wait, so The X-Files are all bunk!?
I tried to keep him at a distance and not let myself attached to him but it didn’t work out exactly the way I planned.
HG, do you think Amanda could help you build/feel an emotional attachment?
Also, one weird question: do you believe there could be life in other parts of the universe? Other intelligent beings in another planet?
No I don’t.
Of course otherwise how did Star Wars happen?! It is an interesting question. One the one hand there are billions of planets so it seems statistically likely that of billions of planets there should really be life elsewhere, although of course whether we find that life or it finds us may never happen given the size of the universe. On the other hand, the circumstances for life to occur are so complex, so reliant on so many conditions being just right that it may well be a trillion to one likelihood of happening and therefore that happened on earth but has never happened anywhere else and never will.
Or we are on a disc which is on some elephants which are on a giant turtle. That seems more likely.
Haha, yes, I think so, too, about the disc world. 🙂
HG … it .. it … it looks like the Captain of the U.S.S. Discovery is a narc!! He is charming, he is said to be never afraid like other beings, and when they had to destroy another star fleet ship he said that it was just a ship! Just a ship!! I think only a narc could say that. 🙁
My exnarc firmly believes in aliens, and I often thought he must be one himself.
Good answer! 🐢🐘
I am obliged.
Thanks for your answer HG. I totally agree with you; most likely it is turtles all the way down.
Star Wars, excellent documentary of what is going on in other galaxies, far far away.
Hi lou…thats an interesting question and i think it should be is it possible there isnt bc i think its a distinct possibility there is life and theyve already been here or are here. People think aliens are far out but i personally believe they exist. The universe is infinite and when you factor in black holes and possible other universes it seems silly to think our planet is the only one with life on it. 👽👽👽 i had read about studies theyre doing with planet mars to see if life exists. They hope to land equipment to retrieve samples in the next few years there.
Come to think of it maybe my narcs a…👽🤔😄
Hi Narc Affair. I also like to read about such things. If aliens have been or are presently among us, I don’t know, but it is an exciting theory. I guess only time, whatever that is, will tell. 😉
Narc Affair, last night I was not sure what I wanted the most, win the lottery or have the guy I live with abducted by aliens. I am sure he would make an excellent case study for the aliens.
After I read your comment about winning the lottery and the guy you live with being abducted by aliens, all I could think about was anal probing. Tough choice: money or probing? It depends on how much money. Thanks for the laugh.
Emotional Empathy. Is there another kind? It was mentioned in the thread of comments.
Please see the article The Three Strands of Empathy.
1. Do you believe in God and if so, *deep down* do you fear Him? By extension, I am also wondering if you believe in heaven/hell/one day being held accountable?
2. You’ve made mention in one of your Q&As that you had begun to attend therapy. Do you still attend and if so, do you see any light at the end of the tunnel for yourself? What possessed you to start? (You tell us all the time that knowledge is the way out of our misery; perhaps you are seeking the same?) I think the stronger the narc = the worse they’ve done = the more subconsciously fearful they are to let go and attempt to change (in hopes of permanently filling that void) because those mirrors (those darn mirrors they love so much, hold a not so pleasant truth awaiting in the bounds). Perhaps this theory is completely far-fetched.
1. If the need requires me to do so, I will believe. No, I do not fear ‘Him’. Heaven and hell are religious constructs created for the purpose of control (evidently one of my kind was behind this) and there is no accountability at the hands of some higher power.
2. I do. Please see ‘About” regarding your other question.
1. With regard to the belief of God … you’ve referenced your Master, the devil, on several occasions and noted how you practice the art of darkness. In my opinion, this in and of itself should be obvious to anyone that if you believe in the existence of one, then must naturally accept the existence of the other. As far as fearing God is concerned, I can understand your position on that as most religions teach that the father astray a human goes, the farther God will allow that person to stray, essentially cloaking their foresight and hearing and understanding even further as punishment. I am no bible thumper, but from observation, I do believe this to be true.
2. Read your about section … must ask, and do tell, who or what forced you into therapy?
3. Off topic … but I have watched all of your videos … during one of your QAs I believe it was, you made reference to some familial monster in your past sexu ally abusing you. a) I’m sorry this happened to you and I hope there is accountability for that person, b) how is that with one of your past appliances (the lover of gardens) you were able to hurt her knowingly in this way, when you too were violated by the same means? It is obvious that to a narcissist no one is off limits, but with something you could have related to, how?
You are welcome.
1. I understand your point. My reference to the devil etc is to assist people in remembering what I am.
2. Family and the attainment of certain aims.
3. Thank you. They will account, they all will. Again, I understand your point but I do what is necessary and since I have no compassion or emotional empathy the fact that the gardening victim endured a similar experience to me just meant I gained a weapon, there was no compulsion for me to not use it against her because of my needs and the lack of conscience etc.
HG…. You have mentioned in one of your books, you do believe in “God” and you are an extension of him here to do his glorious work… as you perceive it……………… “If there was no God then how is it that I have been chosen to be as special as I am. Who else would lead and create and test. His power flows through me, I am his instrument and I am blessed with his power of judgement” and “For me, my role is to dispense with those who are not of his exacting standard, to challenge the impure, to test those who proclaim to be unblemished and loving and root out those that are the charlatans who do not deserve His perfect love. So yes, I believe in God for his power flows through me and I undertake his works” ~HG Tudor
Correct and well remembered C Star, this particular piece demonstrates how such a belief would be acquired in order to further my manipulation of the relevant appliance. As I mentioned earlier, there is a God when I deem it necessary.
indeed HG….Hope you have a “great” weekend ♥︎
Lou, I have to afree with you. Narcissists are so fearful of losing things, that in my opinion they exert control in order to be able to control the lack of permanency in this world.
Sorry, in the hurry I forgot to check the notification box 😬
Excellent article. There is force in what you say here HG. 😉
Yes, nothing is permanent. However, non attachment is a defense mechanism in people with NPD. This article shows very well the abandonment issues of people wit NPD. Very good article HG.
HG, could it be that when you watch someone cry and gain pleasure out of this, that you in turn are beating down the child within you or punishing the weak child within for ever being weak?
It is a possible explanation.
I’ve asked you quite a few questions on this particular article so I hope that you haven’t grown weary from answering.
I have to ask, can you illuminate what you believe it would be like for yourself or a greater narc, if the creature became loose [by way of lack of fuel, divine intervention, a miracle and the like]?
That will be answered in the book ‘The Creature’.
Not all narcs gain pleasure frm watching someone cry. My cowardly ex mid-ranger hated it when i cried. I asked hg abt it here in the comments, and hg replied that it is a sort of blame shifting, in order that he not feel blamed for my crying.
Perhaps greaters and lessers like it. Mid-rangers are cowards, thus some may not like it. Anyone have this experience with a mid?
My mid range did not like it when I cried. But then again he could’ve been lying to me. He could’ve easily loved it secretly.
I’ve seen it both ways. My mother was a mid and she would taunt me until I would tear up, then smirk when she made me cry. She definitely enjoyed it. While my exhusband is a greater and he would get annoyed, then angry when I cried. He said it was useless weakness and he hated to be around someone pathetic. When they were both together and I cried, it was really rough.
Windstorm, ty v much for describing ur situation. In ur case, the mid enjoyed it, and the greater disliked it. This is an interesting variation.
Hg often writes that he finds his ipps ‘disgusting’ during the deval stage. Your situation w ex corresponds to this. But for hg, the fuel output outweighs his disgust i guess. (Hg u should not feel ‘disgusted’ u mean person).
Oh my, when ur mom and ur ex were together, the confusion u must have felt. How terrible.
I think it matters why you are crying. They have to have caused it to get fuel. If I was crying because I was sick or in pain then that just made him angry. He never was one to try to make me cry, like Mama did. He wanted to show off his superior reasoning or knowledge. His preferred fuel from me was to acknowledge and praise his words and actions for their effectiveness and cleverness and to try to trick me with mindfuckery. But that was all a game. He enjoyed me catching him out on his lies. I think he felt he was training me and he had a certain pride in my intelligence. To be always able to trick and fool someone gets boring. Boredom has always been his arch nemesis.
Thx for the explanation windstorm.
My ex was a cowardly MMRN and the FEW times I cried, he claimed that he hated it too. Now I know it was blame shifting. Wow, I never thought about it that way. Although, I did cry once during 2014 and he enjoyed it, but after that I never cried again.
K, isn’t it genuis of hg to desribe it as blame shifting? Though hg loves seeing others cry, and draws teardrops on his cheeks using his fingers to mimic his ipps crying (cruelty at it’s highest level) he understands behavior of other narcs just as well. I am angry that ur ex enjoyed u crying that one time. 😡
Thanks, Jenna. Sometimes I get really sad when I think about it…he broke my heart.
K, pls don’t feel sad. Feel happy that u r rid of him! My ex is text only. I don’t see him anymore.
Your picture is beautiful
I am sorry you still hurt and I am happy to see you are feeling better.
Twilight, thank u. Who would u bring w you into this photo twilight if u could? Actually, pls don’t answer that, YET.
I saw a pic on fb. It was a bench in the middle of a wooded area. The question was: ‘if u could choose one person to sit here w you on this bench and talk for hrs, who would u choose?’
Can we do such an exercise hg? I think it would be much fun! Pretty pls? Then, twilight and all of us can answer. I’m sure many answers would b narc related, as they must b for this blog. Or, they will b anti-narc, so either way, it’s all abt narcs!
You make me smile, actually you have many times.
Nature is my first love ❤️ It is always changing and one can learn something new from it.
The question was: ‘if u could choose one person to sit here w you on this bench and talk for hrs, who would u choose?’…….I am up for that…..although I might need a rope to keep them there!!!!!!!!…….Diva
Hi Twilight….a rope?……I was kind of joking with a hint of truth……in that no one will sit talking to me for hours on a bench, unless I tie them to it…..10 minutes is usually enough for them and 1 minute is usually enough for me…….Diva
Ha, ha!! I’d have to tie them too! Shoot, they might have to tie me, too, to get me to talk for hours! 😄
We understand each other Windstorm2!!!!!!…….Diva
Diva and windstorm, lol! In the question, i think it is a given that the person must and will sit with us the entire time!
I hope you don’t mind me jumping in
I would sit alone and if they would chose to join me, we would either enjoy the beauty that surround us in silence or the conversation would be in depth.
They know who they are and they know the invitation is there….I have no need to force another, that in its self to me puts conditions on a situation instead of enjoying the moment alone or with company.
Twilight, i do not mind u jumping in at all. I welcome it.
Sitting in silence is very peaceful. I sit in silence often too.
I interpreted the fb question almost like a magical question. Who would u choose if u could wave ur wand and the person would magically be there, no questions asked?
So basically, any friends, enemies, relatives, pple frm history, pple u need closure with, deceased family members, pple u would like to ask ‘why?’, pple u admire and respect, etc. would all apply here. This is my interpretation.
However, i am definitely open to other interpretations as u have outlined. Thank u twilight.
Ok I read Twilights response. I think I may be getting an idea of what you mean. I would never willingly do the bench sitting. I wouldn’t be comfortable to be exposed on a bench to anyone for that long. The only people that I can comfortably spend hours alone with are my two empathic children. That’s because they both love and understand me and know how to act to keep me from getting nervous and anxious. There is no one on earth I’d want to talk to for hours. Talking to people is just too stressful for me. I’d feel trapped.
I find it interesting that you would even consider such a thing and am interested to see how others respond. Maybe this scenario is intriguing to others.
Windstorm, when u referred to it as ‘bench sitting’ it made me chuckle a little. Like in the gym, next to ‘bench pressing’ would be ‘bench sitting’ for those who want to rest. 😀
“There is no one on earth I’d want to talk to for hours. Talking to people is just too stressful for me. I’d feel trapped.”
Windstorm, does this have to do w ur social anxiety?
But u talk (write) very nicely here. Is that because u r behind a screen so it doesn’t feel so personal?
I’m sure it is my social anxiety. It is also many other things. I am a slow thinker. Most people move too quickly in conversations for me. They want an answer lightning quick and jump to often erroneous conclusions when I don’t answer fast enough. I am a complicated person and rather bizarre in my ideas and thinking. Few are willing to think enough to understand complicated and most are either frightened or angered by bizarre – neither of which I find pleasant. Also people tend to be nosy and judgmental – a bad combination. I hate it when people want to “fix” me and badger me with how they believe I should think and what they believe I need to do.
It’s not that I don’t want to feel personal in conversations. I feel very close to all of you here, and consider our conversations often personal. But I am very sensitive to emotions. When I am actually with someone, I feel their emotions and energy like a tangible thing. It can be overpowering. And often what people say is not the emotion/energy they are projecting. I think it is amazing how often and how much people lie to themselves. I think I pick up on this and it is disconcerting in a conversation.
And finally I’m the type of empath that people seem to unconsciously unburden all their problems onto. I am a very good listener and I truly do care, plus I’m very openminded, so I understand why it happens. But it’s a burden and often stressful since it’s an onslaught of negative emotions that I may not have been prepared to deal with.
Long answer to your question. That’s another drawback to talking to someone who is with me. I can never give detailed, long answers because they will interrupt me with more questions or slightly shift the topic before I finish my thought. 😄
Windstorm, thank u for ur detailed reply. I think u may b a deep thinker because you want to give the most heartfelt, sincere answer possible. It is a great quality actually. But i can understand it being burdensome if pple interrupt u, wish to change ur thinking etc. Stay exactly as u are because u r awesome !!
Thank you, dear. That was sweet.
Thank you Jenna, I am getting better every day that I am here and the sadness is less acute.
Thank you, Twilight!
Every day that I am here, I am getting better. Sometimes when I read the comments they bring back memories and feelings of sadness, anger or loss, but as time goes by those feelings are less acute.
I did Jenna thank u and thank u too everyone else who replied to my post greatly appreciated also Jenna glad u didn’t leave us
“I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery.”
“This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone.”
“The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel… I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships… ”
“There is just nothing there.”
“The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.”
My heart feels heavy reading this. You were abused as a child. The attachment brought u misery because u were rejected in return. An innocent child should never have to deal with this. This is one of the saddest articles i have read frm u. I wish one of us could do something to help u, but we cannot. Just remember, not everyone will harm u like u have been harmed in the past. Ur ipps truly loves u. Pls stay away frm matrinarc and ur aunt, maybe uncle peter too. And remember, nobody here will ever hurt u (though some pple are rude to u). If anyone does, u have so many of us that will come to ur defense, though ur facade is very capable of defending itself. U are a harmed little boy inside that adult body, afraid and non trusting. U live ur life like this. It is truly heartbreaking.
“Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery”………only when you are attached to a narc HG……..but then you know that already………Diva
HG, so is the creature you refer to, the abused child of the past that remains inside you?
Because you deem that part of you as weak, it is considered a creature by yourself?
This article is wonderfully written and informative. Thank you so much.
Narcissists do attach themselves to others, but with fuel lines only, whereas the victim attaches emotionally to them. We just attach for different reasons.
In essence yes.
Thank you, I am pleased you liked the article.
Thank you for work HG and your replies.
HG, do you continue to do what you do, meaning overlapping relationship with relationship and escapade with escapade, in order to escape the possibility of having to face the creature rearing its head and possibly having to have emotion/pain/regret/sorrow/remorse for what you do? I know you have said you do not have this, and I pose part of this question above sone where here about the possibility of those sorts of emotions being repressed, so this goes along with that.
Those activities form the quest for fuel which is required to keep the emptiness at bay, otherwise the construct crumbles and the creature comes forth.
1. Have you eve given consideration as to a possible alternative to those activities which are deemed so hurtful, to keep the emptiness at bay, and if so, what have you considered?
2. Have you ever pondered on how empaths might keep their emptiness at bay, and more poignantly, do you ever consider what you’ll do in old age if you are physically uncapable of garnering fuel?
3. Do you ever consider hell, what your master is from, and what it would be like? I imagine that someone in your position would idealize it but correct me if I’m wrong.
4. Deep down, do you detest yourself?
1. I have been encouraged to do so. The ability to self fuel has been advanced. I do not regard that as viable. There has been an emphasis on adopting a more pro social response in certain circumstances.
2. I do not regard empaths as empty. I will always be capable of garnering fuel.
3. Hell is what we create.
4. I detest that which is deep down, but that is not me.
To be connected is different then to be attached
HG this reminds me of The Hunted Chamber, that one has been on my mind recently….would you repost it please.
This is true and wise statement, twilight
Love is a very powerful force.
True attachment is undertaken by the strong and the brave who are willing to face the pain of loss.
It is not about weaklings who can be prayed upon.
That is a fallacy by those who would prefer to believe that being detached is some kind of superior strength..it is not…Whilst being detached serves many purposes granted, there would be no human race at all without necessary attachments being made and upheld. Everything has its place.
It is pointless to whitewash and tar everything with the same brush. it is much too broad. One track ponies serve no purpose at all in the scheme of life.
This is either madness or brilliance.
So well put. The serial killer reference you made rings so true. Narcissists are emotionally stunted and (often) cognitively over-developed. Deadly combination when aimed at an empath, who is the flipside of that.
Hi merripen…ty and so true what you said about narcs being emotionally stunted and overly developed cognitively. Its a scary combo. Theyre very smart but lack any remorse or empathy.
I disagree. Misery comes from being attached to someone that isn’t attached to you. So Misery comes from not being attached: from being detached from others therefore from reality.
The mind goes bananas and the heart is in pain.
If there were no attachments, neither cinema nor music would exist. They rely, among other things, on our need for choice. The thing is, HG, that for you all people are the same. Noone is particular or special. This is not our case. We choose. That is why we can attach to certain choises. The ones that we choose are (for us) the best in the world. And those choices reflect on us in various ways-because we are our choices.
This one really sticks in my mind and the past discussions about it. I think in dealing with a narcissist attachment is misery but working thru misery you can gain great strength and clarity what in life you want and what is important to you. Ive met so many victims of narc abuse that are thriving afterwards. Its all in perception and how you look at it. A narcissist looks at attachment as baggage and a disability or weakness and maybe in some situations it does hinder effectiveness like say a hitman. A hitman cant form attachments or he will make mistakes and end up caught or killed. He has to stay unattached at all times to focus on the task at hand. Same can be said of serial murderers they try at all times to stay detached and never get personal with their victims. They choose to look at their victims as things in true psychopathic narc fashion.
A healthy person views attachments as worthwhile despite the pain they can cause. Its better to have lived and experienced heartache than not to have lived at all. Emotionally healthy people feel and that is part of being whole and human. Narcs are human but they are not whole. They have a huge hole in their soul and emotional development.
This article is impressive, HG, I like it very much. 🙂
Attachment is indeed not what I am striving for (or anyone should be striving for, in my view). But I differentiate between attachment and connection. And the proverb is true of course, no doubt.
Well, we’ve talked about his before: it’s a pity that with all your non-attachment, you’re still fuel-dependent. 🙁
Thank you Ava101.
Yes, there is no attachment but dependence, much as I hate to admit it.
“Yes, there is no attachment but dependence, much as I hate to admit it.”
What is the difference? It seems like it’s the same to me. At least that is how I feel. My attachment feels like a dependence.
There is no such thing as the “wrong shade of red”!!!!…………..Diva………(the rest of the article requires far more thought…. I will respond later.)
Hahaha! I thought the SAME thing!! Yet another testament to the redonkulous starting point of their arguments.
Red is my favourite colour……there is no wrong shade of it in my eyes!!!!…….Diva
Desire to control the environment is not a bad thing.
Reluctance (or even inability) to attach or emotionally connect to someone is not a bad thing also.
The bad thing is a desire to destroy. MALICE.
The malice is the sign of heavy internal disharmony.
The malice and the malignant “deals” don’t permit to develop the propper self-RESPECT (it isn’t a synonym of self-esteem). It is really hard to respect yourself, when you lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, etc.
The absence of self-respect is replaced by INTERNAL MISERY and this is really something terrible to live with. The EXTERNAL MISERY is nothing in comparison to internal misery. Nothing. Better to be “let down” by someone, than by “myself”.
The INTERNAL misery is the past, present and future of any Narc. It is their “creature” they desperately and unsuccessfully try to “shut down”. They really don’t love themselves (!), if they are willing to lead such manner of life.
P.S. If the subject of this blog wasn’t so sad, I would write something pleasant instead of it. Ehh…
This makes sense. I will wait for HG to hopefully answer my questions on here, one of which relates to this theory. There are times I truly truly just want to hold my narc again and tell him I know he hurts, I know he is running from the world, but then I remember the strip clubs he went to, the strippers he slept with, the new IPPS, the lies, the manipulation, everything pretty much being made up, and it makes it difficult to feel bad for him when I have so much malice slapping me in the face. They push even the most understanding people away – on purpose it seems. It’s like they look to disappoint themselves and control that disappointment before someone else does it to them. In my opinion, they are cowards of life. As weak as we may seem to them as empaths, it takes a certain amount of strength to face the level of internal issues they cause their victims.
Then again, why not stop playing devil’s advocate (pun not intended) and take it straight from the horse’s mouth, as the saying goes. HG does in fact say they enjoy doing this and unless he is kidding himself first and foremost, then why feel bad for the narc as he sees no bad of himself?
I wonder if they know that one day, perhaps not in this life but in the hereafter, they will have to account for their actions and if they fear this? They can’t say it won’t happen because if there is a devil, which they work for and with, then there is a God.
my splitting defenses rejected the social world instead of myself, and i also feel glad for that. if i had become “like them” (victims who become abusers, cowards, etc..) – i can’t think of a worser fate 🙁
Let me see you detach yourself from everyone’s fuel.
And you say you don’t need anyone.
I’d like to see you crumble & wither away. Your nothing.
HG, just so there’s no confusion… This Mary is not me. I don’t want you to wither away.
Thanks for making me laugh, Mary! That was a riot!
I listened to you in an interview where you said “I attach people to me but I am not attached to them”. This is the only thing you said that has ever made sense to me. (so far) As much as it hurts to read, it is the only thing that makes sense. As someone who gets easily attached to others, I hate it. I often wish I could feel the way you do. And feel nothing. The grass is not always greener. It is just fertilized with a different type of bullshit.
HG- I am about 99% sure my ex is a mid ranger but I wanted to ask you if this conversation sounds narcissistic to you. Does he sound like a mid ranger?
me: “Hey switch me chairs this one hurts my back (I have a rod in my back and some chairs don’t feel comfortable)
him: “what, why?”
me: “I think that one will feel better on my back.”
him: “WHAT!!! I thought you said your back doesn’t hurt. (I had said that like a year ago when I first told him about my back and I meant in general)
me: “It doesn’t usually, it just feels uncomfortable in this chair because it’s so soft.”
him: *interrupting* “…SO IT HURTS!”
me: “no it just feels uncomfortable right now because of the cushion..”
him: *interrupting* “If it’s uncomfortable than it hurts…which one is it?! you better not be lying to me.”
me: “Why do you always think I am lying to you? It’s like you want me to lie. I don’t have any reason to lie.”
him: “I just don’t completely trust you. I want to but I don’t know how. The only people I completely trust are my family. I don’t completely trust anyone but them. you are the closest I have ever gotten to really trusting though besides my family. Don’t ever lie to me. I don’t care if we are engaged or not, if I find out you are lying to me we will break up!”
I concur. Please teach me how to be you.
Your words make me ache for your brittle hollowness, even though I do not know you, even though you have experienced nothing else since first being harmed. The energy, pain and worry that you are forced to expend in your machinations is no different than the energy, pain and worry we are forced to expend in emotional healing and regeneration, I suspect. But there is something so desperate about the orchestration of such a complicated system to perpetuate such an ephemeral sense of self. Like living on a treadmill that will never let you rest. Like trying to outrun a black hole. You wrote about the worrisome, heavy weight of impending loss of attachment, but the worry of annihilation forever closing at your heels has got to be very heavy, indeed. Especially on one who is so very hollow and brittle to begin with.
This reminds me so much of the greater I knew. This is what made me love him in the end, knowing this is all there is to him now. I no longer hated him for faking everything, I was no longer bitter for the way he devalued and discarded me, I’m not jealous of whoever he’s with now, the people he triangulated me with. I finally see HIM. This is who he is. I love him for who he is. With acceptance and the new love I suddenly had for him, the opposite of what I had expected then happened. I finally had closure, all this without any contact with him. We don’t need the narcs for closure, we can do it (with the help of narcsite).
Very true. Closure comes from within when we finally reach understanding.
You are 100% right, Bliss.We need absolutely noone for closure, it is inside our mind (or heart).
Your post has touched me, so. What a different love, what a different dynamic. The stormy sea of recovery blows away the facade, their fakery, your bitter anger – everything that isn’t well-rooted is washed away. What remains is the truth. Your empathic heart remains, and loves him for the small damaged boy it now knows him to be. You used to reach your heart up and around him before, as you tried to embraced the full illusion of his greatness. You reach down to embrace him, now, easily scooping your heart around him.
I understand the meaning of Greater when I look thru HG’s narcissist lens, but when I look thru my human lens, Bliss, you are the greater, by far.
Merripen, you’ve expressed how I feel so brilliantly. Thank you. I certainly don’t feel like the greater. I’m not super emphatic like a lot of amazing people here so I feel pretty inadequate most the time.
That is EXACTLY how you confirm that you ARE an empath. (who knew?)
I suppose it is good that you feel this way, since you are incapable of forming emotional attachments. It’s like how you can feel the negative emotions, like anger and fear, but not all the positive ones, like happiness and joy. You look at us with our emotional attachments and can see the negative consequences, but you are unable to see all the positive benefits.
It is understandable that you might doubt what you cannot personally see. I will continue to hope for you that in time as you gain insight you will continue to find more peace and contentment as your cognitive empathy continues to develop.
I just have to get this off my chest I’m welling up as I write this attachment can cause misery but it’s also the most beautiful thing in the world today is the birthday of my deceased fiance tomorrow is mine . He was the most loving kind empathic human being I’ve ever met he was also severely abused as a child including being sexually abused at the age of 4 by his own mother. He did not become a narcissist he was an empathy in every sense of the word we were madly in love and he was my greatest cheerleader he passed away very young from a pulmonary embolism I thought my world was over I didn’t eat or sleep and lost fifty pounds in a month I asked myself everyday why the universe gave him to me only to take him away I never doubted his love but a voice from him told me don’t die for me keep living I can honestly say my attachment caused me tremendous pain when he died but I’ll never regret the five years we spent together I truly pray someday you will allow yourself to experience attaching yourself to somebody even though you may lose them someday there’s no greater feeling in the world than bonding with someone who knows every single one of your flaws and loves you anyway I told him all my secrets and he told me his and we both still loved each other it was beautiful and I hope you give yourself this gift someday
I am very sorry for your loss, but very glad you were able to have the joy of those five years together. I hope that you are able to have a very happy birthday and a wonderful upcoming year.
That was so sad to read and I am truly sorry for your loss. Keep his memory close to your heart. I hope you have a Happy Birthday today.
Thank you for sharing this. To have experienced that connection with another empathic person is something that many of us will never know, especially in this community. We thought we had it with the narcissist, but of course that was just him reflecting us back to ourselves. You got the real thing. I can only imagine the pain of your loss, but you now possess the understanding of a higher experience. That time with him has given you that. I hope you can celebrate your birth and his, while leaning in this doorway. From there you can look through at what is on each side. The universe put you together for a reason.
Hi kim…im so very sorry you lost your fiance i cant even begin to imagine 💓 very painful for sure. You have a great mindset about it.
yes, but it (attachment) caused your suffering and sense of loss
Kim, i am very sorry for ur loss. I am happy u had 5 wonderful yrs w him. Keep those memories close to ur heart.
Despite everything ur going thru, i hope u were able to think happy thoughts and have a nice birthday.
Kimmichaud1, your post really struck a cord. My narc hurt me in an unimaginable ways, knowingly and purposely and yet I still find it in me to love him. I still continue to come to conclusions that I didn’t know before but I guess we are so used to the abuse. The universe seems cruel in that not everyone bakes the same – we have in common with narcs the abuse we experienced and yet the universe has cursed us as empaths to continue to love our conscious abusers and pretty much say “yes please may I have another”.
Anyhow, I really do miss mine at times and I still pray at times that he heals but I can never take him back even if this did happen because he did way too much knowingly to hurt our relationship and me. It’s sad because if this were to happen, another woman would benefit from this. He really did make me feel wonderful. Hard to accept they would go around hurting the world due to one or two or three people hurting them. The woman in traffic the other day flipped me off, but I don’t have the urge to go hurt others, etc.
May I ask, what gives your life meaning or purpose for you? I know that fuel is enjoyable to you, is that what you’re attached to while we’re attached to our emotional connections? Attachment to fuel and the facade?
I’m just interested in understanding. From my point of view, yes it’s hard to lose the ones you were attached to but despite that grief my life feels richer for having them in it for a while. The memory of loved ones lasts.
If I couldn’t form connections and have shared experiences with people I care about or at least enjoy beauty on my own, I’m not sure what is left.
Fuel and winning.
1. Do you ever, even momentarily, feel sad or empty (please insert appropriate word) for not having any “fond” memories to hold on to?
2. Truthfully, do you think you every had “normal” emotions and feelings as a child and perhaps those were taken away from you or you subconsciously turned them off due to neglect?
3. Thoughts on Sam vaknins cold therapy?
1. I never feel sad. I feel empty but it is nothing to do with fond memories.
2. I am told certain emotions were once there, but I do not recall feeling them.
3. Please see last Livestream video on YouTube.
I agree, in fact, I’m becoming more detached now. Wish I had never bothered
You have been open frank and blunt about how a narc will never openly and honestly love us, they will only use us for fuel and other benefits. This alone should make us run as far from the narc as we possibly can and never look back. Many of us do but many of us have not, at least not yet. You have admitted on many occasions the way you have treated your personal girlfriends, friends and other acquatinces but yet we have not run from this blog and never looked back why is this so ?
Because this is where you get the answers and in a constructive environment.
that’s correct but speaking for myself and I think many others on here actually care about you and your well being I know for myself I want healing and freedom from the addiction to my narc and for you I want you to find peace and the ability to realize there is a lot of people that will love you even if you tell them your a narc and let them meet the beast some won’t but some will I hope someday you will introduce some of the people in your inner circle to what you call the beast but is really just a severly wounded little boy I hope you’ll make friends with him yourself meaning you will become friends with yourself and integrate yourself with every aspect of your being and learn to truly love yourself
This is one of the “Four Noble Truths” in Buddhism…. It is the Second Truth – “The Origin Of Suffering Is Attachment”…
Very well written, HG and oh so true, for all to consider (Narc or not)
addendum…to clarify…. attachment can be to “things”, places, possessions, animals, pets, a way (standard) of living, etc. It doesn’t just apply to people & relationships. Therefore, “attachment leads to misery & suffering”…. each of us can perceive this in a different way. To HG, it is his way… it is also “Way” to Buddhists… the Third Noble Truth ends suffering through obtaining Nirvana
C, does this mean we shouldn’t attach or trust? I do believe attachment equals suffering but what is the alternative. You either attach and risk getting devastating pain or you live an isolated life in devastating pain. Is there a happy medium? I truly don’t know that answer.
To end suffering, one must reach Nirvana. I direct you to study the Eight (8) Fold Path for spiritual answers to achieve this state of perception
While It is true that non-attachment is the path to not suffering, compassion is just as important. The Buddha called us to have compassion for all living things. It is entirely possible to love and care for others and follow the 8 fold path. One can love and care for all people – even all the narcissists – without the selfishness and grasping that comes from attachment in the Buddhist sense.
Loving and caring for people and animals are not the obstacles to enlightenment, it is the desire to possess these people and hold on to them that causes us suffering.
Very true, for me attachment can bring one to desire another to change to what they desire, connection has been to just flow with what is and accept things unconditionally.
Seems like we are thinking the same thing just calling it different words. 🙂 You say you feel connected. That’s what I call love. And you hit on the important point – you can’t want to change the object of your connectedness/love to fit your own desires. You just have to accept them for who/what they are.
Learning how to love like this without expectations was a long and difficult road for me. I still catch myself making expectations of others and – sure enough – that’s when suffering will manifest for me. At least I know how to stop it now. 😊
It is love, I just don’t use the word often. It is over used and can mean something different to each one of us.
To be connected in a way that is unconditional is a love many do not understand.
I loved the man I was with unconditionally, he made choices that hurt me, he did what he believed he needed to do. I can not hate nor hold anger towards him for this.
I stay away from him because that is what is best for me.
The “trust” we had can never be what it was.
He taught me many things and I am grateful for those things.
I know what you mean. I think it’s probably that way with many narc relationships. Even when they benefit us and teach us, we always have to protect ourselves from them because they will hurt us – sometimes intentionally and sometimes without thought. I love mine unconditionally but that doesn’t keep me from seeing them for what they are.
When I was a child I had a collection of broken glass. I had all colors and types. My favorites were the reds because they were rarest and the deep blues for their beautiful color (my narc mother threw it all away one day when I was at school. Ostensibly because it was “dangerous”, but probably because I cherished it 😝).
I have always thought all my voluntary narc relationships were like my collection of broken glass. Beautiful but dangerous. Often exquisite in the sunlight and capable of forming endless rainbows and beautiful mosaics, but handling them always was risky. It was a given that I would be cut. It was just the price of playing with them.
Windstorm, i like ur anology abt narcs and broken glass.
Hi windstorm…what you said really hit home about wanting to possess and hold on to people or things that causes misery. This isnt just looking from a narcissists angle but anyones bc no one belongs to anyone. Misery does come from grief of having lost someone but if people were able to let go easier and focus on what it was to have loved them and enjoy them while you had them thatd override any longterm misery. It still hurts deeply to lose someone though. Narcissists kid themselves bc they are attached thats why they control to possess and hold on. Healthy people that are whole will let go and dont need matrixes full of “attachments”. They are whole within themselves.
True. I completely agree.