You Wear Guilt

you-wear

 

You wear guilt like a noose around your neck. There it hangs, just waiting to be yanked by me and the tightening ligature around that slender neck will bring you back into line. I can then allow the noose to hang about your neck once again, ready to be used as soon as I decide that it is necessary. You do not even try to remove this noose, you would, of course feel guilty if you tried to do so and as a consequence it will always remain with you, on you and about you.

There is no slow squeezing when this noose is called into action. It is immediate, painful and chastising. It allows the sudden and instant exertion of control. What better way than to achieve this than relying on something that is intrinsic to another person. This noose burns, it constricts and it chokes and you know that it is not going to go anywhere. The only way to deal with it is to comply and then the noose will slacken but it will not grant you release.

You have carried this noose for a very long time. Once upon a time it was only a few strands thick, yet for all of that apparent fragility, it could not be cut nor broken, neither snapped or torn. As time went on, the strands multiplied so that the thickness increased until now it hangs about you, sturdy and effective. Nobody else wove those additional strands into it. You did. You brought it all on yourself because of the twisted delight you have to wear this noose. You regard it as an obligation. It is part of who you are and whilst the pain it causes you is something that you would prefer not to have to suffer, you know that when it makes you suffer, you gain comfort from its presence and effect.

You know that not everybody has such a noose. There are those who do not even have one. You wonder often what that must be like. Not to have the yoke about you which weighs you down, restricts you and governs you. What must such freedom feel like? Then there are those who have such a noose but they seem to be able to lift it off and leave it behind when it suits them. Others still find that the noose is weak and it snaps apart when it seeks to apply pressure against its wearer. No such release for you.

This is the noose that has you always compliant. Sometimes you fight against it, hoping that you might perhaps once, just once, be able to exert such strength that causes it to break, but it never happens. No matter what resistance you exhibit or how much you strain to tear it apart, you fail and have no choice other than to comply so that the pain recedes. It leaves its mark about you. There is no doubt about it. Even though the searing pain may have lessened, you can feel that tight grip still and you know that others can see where it has left its mark. Not all have this ability to recognise the mark of the noose, but a certain group do and they always want to exploit its presence. Oh there have been times when you have sought to hide this noose, mask its presence in the hope that you escape the attention of those who recognise it. Even if you manage to conceal the noose, the mark that it has left about your neck is like an indelible stain. You cannot remove it and it is the stamp that tells those who know these things that you carry such a noose.

You may not realise that it is you who has added those additional strands over the years, causing the noose to thicken and strengthen. Those strands are bound together, layer upon layer, wound about one another, so that they become more than the sum of their parts. The strands which are fashioned from your pervasive, deep-seated guilt, are added to because of those things which you say and do. Each time you think a certain way, which you cannot help but do because of who and what you are, another strand is added, then another, until soon the noose becomes thick and heavy. Each time you think the following

It is my fault; I did not listen.

I need to do more to help.

He cannot help it.

I need to ensure I understand.

If only I could be stronger.

If only I knew what to do.

I should be getting home; he will wonder where I am.

I should not be doing this.

I should not speak ill of him really; he is my husband.

I should not think these things, I do love him, I just feel so weak and this is when I have these thoughts.

I ought to have realised.

I must listen more.

I have to keep trying.

I owe it to him to help.

He isn’t as bad as people say.

If I just keep going it will become better.

I have to try because if I don’t, who will be there for him.

It is my duty.

I made my vows and I shall abide by them.

I must be doing something wrong to make him feel like this.

I just seem to say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

These thoughts and words, plus many more, cause the noose to become stronger. Thus it tightens and I yank it, pulling you in my direction so that you remain under my control, bound by this guilt to serve, to support and to fuel. An ever present burden which you add to yourself each and every day. A method by which you are manipulated, cajoled and coerced to fulfil my needs.

This noose is not there to hang you. No, there is no desire to bring about your demise. You are more effective to us functioning. Your guilt will not bring about your end,  but instead it acts to maintain your imprisonment.

You make the noose grow.

I make the noose control you.

Can it be escaped? We think not. It is for life. Even though it may not tighten or constrict for some time, even years, it is always there and with the mark so prominent, another may come and utilise the control that the noose affords even though we may not be able to.

We will not lift it. It matters too greatly to us.

We will not lift it because it is your burden, perpetuated by you.

But it can be lifted. It is not simple or straightforward and we ensure we do not allow you the opportunity to address this chance to relieve yourself of this noose of guilt. It can be done. It is quite the task to achieve but for you, that journey begins by answering one question.

Who put it there in the first place?

52 thoughts on “You Wear Guilt

  1. Diva says:

    “I should not be doing this.”……..hmmmm……that’s why my noose is so heavy……..guilty as charged……..Diva

  2. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    The song I listened to the second I got to my house after the final blow out and while I happened to send the final text message ending it all…

    Your subtleties
    They strangle me
    I can’t explain myself at all
    And all that wants
    And all that needs
    All I don’t want to need at all

    The walls start breathing
    My mind’s un-weaving
    Maybe it’s best you leave me alone
    A weight is lifted
    On this evening
    I give the final blow

    When darkness turns to light
    It ends tonight
    It ends tonight
    A falling star
    Least I fall alone
    I can’t explain what you can’t explain
    Your finding things that you didn’t know
    I LOOK AT YOU WITH SUCH DISDAIN

    When darkness turns to light
    It ends tonight
    It ends tonight
    Just a little insight WON’T make this right
    It’s too late to fight
    It ends tonight
    It ends tonight

    NOW I’M ON MY OWN SIDE
    It’s better than being on your side
    It’s my fault when you’re blind
    It’s better that I see it through your eyes
    All these thoughts locked inside
    Now you’re the first to know

  3. Rhyming Fun says:

    This article helped me lots. Thank you, H.G.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      1. Rhyming Fun says:

        🙂 at last 🙂

  4. what just happened says:

    Timing for this one was impeccable. I was doing so well for the past couple of weeks as he ghosts for less than half a day then disappears for a month or more lately, I’ve already been devalued, but I slipped up today. I let emotion ride and could not upkeep “my logic vessel” upon the “emotional sea”. I pulled up old texts to read, and they made me sad. Having watched many HG videos, I can now read THROUGH those texts.

    This article helped me lots. Thank you, H.G.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pleasure.

  5. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    I have a ridiculous amount of regret…

    I regret the fact that I gave into my own desperate need to find something that could make me feel alive and help me escape the terrible relationship and breakup that I was in at that time.

    I regret how I let myself become fixated and infatuated with my ex. I regret pursuing him. I regret allowing myself to be treated so terribly -from the affair to the actual relationship. I regret not listening to my mind and trying to give him benefit of the doubt when I would pick up on strange behavior and lines he would say. I regret rationalizing and making up excuses for the complete nothingness he gave me. I regret chasing my own boyfriend (boyfriends if you count the narc before him). I regret revolving my life around someone who didn’t give a shit. I regret the time and energy I spent on nothing – knowing it was nothing – but trying to believe I was wrong. I regret the entire relationship. I regret not trusting myself….

    Most of all I regret not working on myself and facing my own bullshit years ago so that all of this never could have even happened.

    1. JC says:

      I feel your pain. I’ve realized I have “Daddy issues” due to my Father being narcissistic and I wish I would have dealt with mine as well. They say these relationships are what actually help you figure this all out in the end. I wish I could have figured it all out allot younger! I knew my Dad was a bit off and I eventually knew what my Mother went through. It’s strange to tell him what my Husband did, knowing he did some of the same things to my Mom. I wonder what he is thinking as I talk to him sometimes. Live and learn… that’s why we are here I guess.

    2. Paula Sarno says:

      I use to believe that in life no regrets .
      That was before them . That was before I tried to love pure evil .
      Now I think like you , I have regrets

  6. Dr. Harleen Quinzel PsyD. says:

    What guilt? I dont feel it anymore.

    1. Rhyming Fun says:

      🙂

  7. Carla says:

    “…like shackles on your feet, like a halo in reverse”

  8. MyTrueSelf says:

    Maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick about this article.
    But for me, I don’t feel a guilty noose. Why? What am I guilty of? Trying my best? Giving my best? Loving him honesty and truly?
    It is more like a inner voice of reason: ” I should keep trying…well, maybe not if he isn’t either ?”, ” He can’t help it- or can he?”, ” It is my duty- Why is my duty? “.
    This voice has my own welfare in mind. I see no guilt or noose in that.
    I did have hope, though, that he would meet me halfway in our relationship.
    Of course that can’t happen.
    Maybe in the pathology of a narcissist these are negative, guilt ridden thoughts. Maybe in the mind of the narcissist it feels like oppression, being controlled and weaknesses.
    I often feel I need to observe and question my own motives and to search for answers to difficult dilemmas. That’s not guilt, though.

  9. Tulip says:

    Love this one.

  10. Aurora says:

    Not only is it imperative to ask who put the noose there & why…
    Let’s also look at its origins…
    Where did the first few strands come from?
    Why did those strands end up around my neck?

    I’m learning to use my empathic traits to unravel my past so as to cause change in the present and future. It can be done. Being ever vigilant & using my hyper-awareness to listen to my intuition has saved me only a few times recently but a few times more than ever before.

    A man from the states & I have been chatting …when we talk he’s very pleasant but when he texts his choice of responses are quite odd. I then noticed he started to become fixated about sex (we haven’t even met yet), & I caught a glimpse of fury when I mentioned I couldn’t talk with him this weekend. His response was to mirror what I am doing & of course while he’s not only doing the same thing, he’s going to have more time to do it. ..& won’t be available to talk with me until next week.

    His means of controlling his hurt I imagine.

    I don’t feel sorry or sad. I do feel confused. And although I had a difficult time taking the action of blocking his number & receiving texts & messages from certain sites because I don’t fully understand, I’m listening to my insides more acutely now so even though I may not understand doesn’t mean I have to know everything before I can feel safe. Whatever that means.

    Thank you for bring here. And thank you for your articles HG. The learning curb & constant insight has ultimately saved my life & got me over the ex.

    🙂

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome, thank you for your observations.

  11. angela says:

    im going to swimming pool..later spa..in case still something around me hope i will lost there…how busy work!!

  12. K says:

    In order to survive my childhood I had absolutely no guilt or remorse. As an adult I have a healthy/low sense of guilt.

  13. Cathrine says:

    In my case it all stems from my childhood. Being exposed at an early age to my narcissistic grandmother and more to the point, being subjected on a daily basis to my mother, herself a flame bearer of the sickness that seems to run its poisonous course quite vehemently through generations of my family. I was a highly sensitive child, and the endless and forever ongoing dramas and battlefields of my early years left me exhausted, without boundaries, without integrity I sometimes think, forever morphing into that which at the moment was desired of me. Tearing scenes, silent treatments going on for weeks, love being given and then easily being withdrawn again; the futility of it all, the never ceasing inevitability of it all; I knocked on so many closed doors begging for forgiveness as a child, accepting whatever blame, admitting to any absurd crime against the narcissistic nature just to feel loved again, just to be able in a way to breathe. I inherited shame, guilt, blame; mine was the burden and I’ve struggled all my life trying in various ways to cope with it.

    After some really normal and orderly relationships where I always had an itching feeling of something vital missing, I guess the narcissistic man I met years later spoke to me at an unconscious level of familarity. He saw my guilt, he used it against me, and I readily let him because I think that in a horrific way the narcissistic love has been the truest love I ever experienced in a very twisted sense. It’s at my innermost core, deep down, this yearning for the kind of love I have to be constantly punished for, the kind of love that is truly never mine to keep or to hold, the kind of love that has me crawling in the dust, that awakens every part of that guilty child in me and enables me through devastingly emotional highs when forgiven to feel alive. To feel anything at all I sometimes think.

    HG, your question hit a deep core in me. Thank you for that.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Pleasure.

    2. Paula Sarno says:

      I have the same kind of life . I think the same , the narcissist was coming back home 😞

      1. Cathrine says:

        Oh, I hope you will get away/got away. It’s not healthy in any possible way to have a relationship with a narcissist.

        1. Paula Sarno says:

          Now I know , I do not love him anymore , I am not in a the relationship either . But I am walking the long way to recovery . Living hard times . Thank you for your answer and I hope you are doing well yourself

    3. Katerina says:

      Catherine, thank you. Your words deeply touched my heart as it’s exactly how I feel about my self all entire life that something is missing, something is wrong with me. Ekaterina

      1. Cathrine says:

        Thank you also Ekaterina. I recognise that feeling. I’ve only begun thinking about the implications of what I went through as a child and I need to work hard and relentlessly to resolve my issues with my mother once and for all. But it has left me with a thwarted image of what true love actually is. I am addicted to drama because that’s what I’ve learned from home, I need the highs and the lows to feel alive in a way, love is always something I have to earn, never freely given.
        There’s nothing wrong with us in the long run though. We are all survivors and we can do better at love next time.

    4. cantevergoback says:

      Catherine your words ring so true to me it’s like you’re writing about my life!
      I think that’s why it’s so hard to get out of/heal from these relationships because they open up old wounds and trigger childhood traumas that we may not even be conciously aware of, no matter how unhealthy it is or how toxic the Narc is, with all the chaos on some level it feels like home.
      The only gains or benefits are that we can learn and grow. It has made me realize that I have a lot of work to do on not only setting boundaries, but realizing that I am worthy of love and kindness. While I always have set high standards for myself I’ve always felt pity for others and been way too forgiving
      Still I wonder if I would even know what to do with a healthy relationship or if I’ll ever even have one but for now I will keep reading and practicing self- care, learning self-love and I hope that you are doing the same!!
      ~love & light~

  14. J Cricket says:

    Very well stated HG… As I sit here crying that my ex is marrying his current supply today, 11 days from what was our anniversary, I do feel the noose around my neck. I can’t understand why I am so upset. He manipulated and abused me. He can’t possibly change… so why am I having so much trouble with this? I know that the marriage won’t last. I know that even if she puts up with more bad behavior from him since she has a child with him, that he will still become bored with her. Maybe it is just bringing up my memories and the shame I feel like Kimi said. I just want all of this to go away… this is a moment where I wish I had no feelings like him and he could be dead to me. Sometimes I am concerned I will never get over this. I never want him back- never! I just miss the mirage…not the drama or abuse. I want the noose removed and I know I am the one who has to do it. Why is it so hard?

  15. Salome says:

    Great question HG

  16. Lori says:

    How thick is YOUR noose, and please, do tell your perspective…. for you have not shorn yours, it looks like a steel chain….

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There is no noose.

  17. shantily says:

    Perhaps the greatest charity comes when we are kind to each other, when we don’t judge or categorize someone else, when we simply give each other the benefit of the doubt or remain quiet. Charity is accepting someone’s differences, weaknesses, and shortcomings; having patience with someone who has let us down; or resisting the impulse to become offended when someone doesn’t handle something the way we might have hoped. Charity is refusing to take advantage of another’s weakness and being willing to forgive someone who has hurt us. Charity is expecting the best of each other. — Elder Marvin J. Ashton, Ensign, May 1992,

    I used to have this in a frame beside my bed ….gone now…right out the window and into the trash bin …might as well have nailed myself to the cross, and we do, nail ourselves to the cross, and your kind bank on it ..oh Babe the girls have called we’re getting together for drinks after work..”mmm? really well have fun then, I won’t wait up …” we hear the icy tones, see the squinty glare …and we sacrifice ourselves and our freedom in the false belief that we are buying peace.. LOL ……ridiculous in retrospect….should have slipped on those heels and put back those cosmos, giggled all night and never looked back

    I am longer a good meal for a Narcissist …beef, pork or otherwise 🙂 (inside joke Mr. Beef 🙂

    1. JC says:

      I know what you mean. I managed to go out with a guy that I dated along time ago. His wife died and I was curious if that changed him. It did not. I didn’t fall for anything, in fact- I called out his behavior. Now that I know what he is, I am turned off completely. Weird how I pined for him for years. I told him that I had always loved him… that ran him off really quickly. I immasculated him as well, lol That should keep him away. I’m no longer a meal for them either!

  18. Peaceful says:

    That is so, so powerful for me. I did indeed wear that noose. And as I read, I could still feel what that was like. “I need to ensure I understand “… wow… I could feel that noose grow thicker as time passed. It’s quite shocking to read this at this moment. How he must’ve laughed at me, towing me back in line when I would not comply. The noose was there when he arrived.
    Peaceful

  19. Katerina says:

    Who put it there in a first place? My mum and my dad 😢

    1. what just happened says:

      I interpreted this sentence as him asking the empath to question their own responsibility with their feelings and taking back our power. I like your perspective on it too. When it comes to outside sources, for me too it would definitely be my mom. Always making us put the needs of others first. Always making us feel shameful.

  20. Paula Sarno says:

    Oh no HG , guilt is all gone . Thank’ s to you . Mi ex is the 100 percent guilty

  21. Windstorm2 says:

    I understand your analogy and do not dispute it. It is possible, however, to transform this noose. It begins by taking hold of the end and keeping all others hands off it. Thru self realization we can learn to encase the noose in an impenetrable covering that prevents any strands from being added or anyone taking hold of it.

    Then, thru what may be many years of introspection and self-healing the remaining strands dry out, wither and slowly disintegrate. As our inner healing and self-love grow, we begin to transform and decorate the covering of what used to be our noose into a shining necklace that shows the world the beauty and strength within us. Our scars never go away, but we wear them proudly as a reminder of who we really are and the depth of our inner strength.

    My own noose is just a memory. It has been transformed into a luminous Hawaiian lei that brings joy and happiness to all who see it and constant cool fragrance to my life.

    1. foolme1time says:

      Windstorm 2! Your is the voice of wisdom! Thank you for finding the blog! You always make feel as if in the end we all will heal and be much stronger for what we have gone through! Your grandchild is so lucky to have you! Have a wonderful weekend sweet lady. 😘

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Foolmeonetime
        Thank you. I’m very glad I found this blog, too! Reading and commenting helps me very much. Learning and thinking makes us grow as people.

        I actually got to see my youngest granddaughter today! (The baby in my pic). She is about 10 weeks old now and much more lively. My daughter, SIL and their 4 small children passed thru Kentucky on their way to a reunion. Im dog sitting for them while they’re in Tennessee.

        It was a type of torture for me. I have pneumonia and they all had colds, so I could not pick any of them up and hold them!! Hopefully we will all be better when they pass back thru next weekend to pick up the dogs. Even so young their natures begin to show. The 18 month old is a practically incandescent empath. Just seeing her happiness and love makes my heart glow.

        Hope your weekend is going well.

    2. Twilight says:

      Windstorm2

      I love the way you wrote about your noose.
      It reminded me of something I read like my ago about life and how we weave it. On one side you see beautiful colours intertwined which brings a picture for the world to see, flip it over and it is a a choaic mess.
      For myself if it wasn’t for the chaos my life wouldn’t be beautiful…..I took my noose and creating something beautiful from it.

      I do hope you are feeling better, and your family is feeling better on their return trip.

      1. Windstorm2 says:

        Thanks, Twilight!
        I have always appreciated and seen the beauty in chaos. Maybe that’s one reason we enjoy and draw strength from nature.

        1. Twilight says:

          Windstorm2

          My first trip to the beach with my ex was magical.
          We arrived early in the morning and I wanted tot see the ocean like before we were even settled. I was going to go with out him. He led me through the night down a path to the sand dunes and let me go ahead of him. I stopped in my tracks when I got to the top. The sky above is was crystal clear and the moon full shinning down on us, a slight breeze off the ocean the waves crashing on the shore and in the horizon a thunderstorm. The lighting was hitting the water and lighting the clouds up. It was gorgeous. He had a hard time keeping me out of the water that night. Walking the beach till sunrise….chasing crabs. I remember laughing at there sideways run. I had never seen one in the wild before.
          Sorry I got a little carried away with that memory
          But yes there was beauty in the chaos of the storm seen from a peaceful beach, even in the hurricane I decided to stand in once was amazing and so much power was i the air. Breathtaking

          1. Fool me 1 time says:

            Twilight, the beach has always held a special place in my heart! You are so spot on in the details you wrote about the chaos that you seen! So many storms I have seen over the ocean and instead of running inside I am always drawn to it’s power and beauty! That memory you shared was beautiful! Thank you! 🌊

          2. Twilight says:

            FM1T

            Nature holds it own beauty. Fire does the same to me, I can sit for hours just watching it. Always changing.

            Thank you, how have you been?

          3. Fool me 1 time says:

            Twilight, I am doing! At this point and time I am still taking it one day at a time. Thank you for asking! I am with you all the way with nature and fire! I am sitting in front of a fire as I write this to you. Have a good evening and take care of yourself! 🤗 🔥

          4. Twilight says:

            Hello FM1T

            I do understand taking it one day at a time…..
            A fire I do hope you enjoyed your evening sitting next to it.

            I am doing great, thank you!

  22. Rhyming Fun says:

    I do always wear guilt. Even when I get angry, I feel terribly guilty afterward, and try to make it better- even if it was not my fault to begin with. I will go to great lengths to make it “okay”, again.

    As a child, I always felt so desperately saddened by other people’s pain. My mother, whom I loved, was an alcoholic, and I could do nothing to help her, my siblings, or my father. But, I kept trying. I felt that it was up to me to make everybody in the world better; I felt the pain of others’ from as early as 4-5 years old. I remember. My heart was forever breaking for everyone.

    I still have issues with not being able to help those who suffer, and it really tears my heart out. Sometimes I feel immensely guilty when I feel happy because I know others in the world are suffering.

    I think it would take deep therapy to help me to not feel so responsible for the pain that others endure.

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      RF: I so get that.
      And wish I didn’t.
      We are good ppl.
      I believe I will believe.
      Eventually. Long road.
      This path (hmm empath)..
      Will get us there & thru ours.

      1. Rhyming Fun says:

        TZ, Thank you. I am glad I am not alone.

  23. Kimi says:

    Brilliant and so very accurate HG! The noose of guilt is also often worn with the cloak of shame.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

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