A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 7

A LETTER TO THENARCISSIST -AL'S LETTER

For you, S****** 

It has been two years since we were together as a couple, and I still think about you, purely because I loved you. I have come to realize through reading a most wonderful author, HG Tudor( I suggest you look him up to understand why) that you never loved me as you so often professed to me, instead you just loved the way I made you feel. I can sense your distain at that comment. But that feeling you have attached to attraction, is called fuel. My love for you fueled you to remain with me, until I began to question your behaviour and then that fuel lessened in value to you. Which is why you moved from me to her. And you will then move from her to another. 

I am writing you this letter to let you know, I too have moved on from you. In the emotional sense now. It has taken me much longer, as my feelings for you were genuine. I hold no resentment towards you, S******. As I now realize what you did, you did out of your own necessity to be. I know you say that you still love me. Part of me believes that to be true. But, no longer for the reasons I once believed. 

I will not be writing to you again S*****, but this one time. Do not see this letter as an opportunity to reconnect with me romantically. It will only wound you to do so, when I do not respond as you might hope I would. We are two different people, who seek different things from life. Even though we both sought one another before. Our worlds no longer mesh, but only collide.

I would wish you happiness, but I have learned that sadly enough, it is not in the cards for you. Your sense of anything close to happiness is in the fuel you get from others that surround your life. But that sensation can never come from me again. Outside of this brief letter. 

 I will remember you for the good times. But, it will be the bad times that will allow me to keep my distance from you. If both of us had of been real in our relationship( I being real/ genuine, you being not) we may have worked together. But, life isn’t build on ifs or could have been or maybes. It is built on reality. The reality of us is, our values and needs differ far too much to co exist.

Once yours, 

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27 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 7”

  1. Al
    Your letter mirrors many of my sentiments. My feelings, like yours, were genuine and it takes time and strength to move on. Accepting that they are incapable of love compels us to leave them. Forsaken, we are then forced to swim through a wake of devastation and sorrow. I often think of the good times, but it is the betrayal that keeps me away and your words mirror that perfectly.

    “I will remember you for the good times. But, it will be the bad times that will allow me to keep my distance from you.”

    1. Thank you, K.

      Yes, he broke my heart back then.
      To realize it was fake for him, was devastating,
      Understanding why he did as he did has greatly helped me rationalize it all.

      I was lucky he was a midranger and non violent and more cold fury type.
      It was the deceptions and coldress and cheating and betrayal with a mutual friend.
      Still claiming he loved me.

      Now that I know what he is and why he was that way.
      I feel even more free.
      I will never tell her or him what I know.
      It will not matter to them as it does to me.
      I only discuss it with my family( my sister and Aunt) and two close friends and here.
      No one else knows what he is from me.

  2. When I saw the invitation to write a letter to HG for the narcissist in our life.
    I found it intriguing and exciting.

    But, as I sat down to write. I found it difficult.
    Not emotionally. But, difficult in that I had said everything I wished to say to him years ago.
    The questioning and need for answers had ceased.
    I found my answers here.

    I would never write the ex narcissist.
    This exercise proved to me that I truly had so little to say.
    That I have achieved enlightenment.
    Through HG writings.

    So many wonderful and wide ranging of emotions letters posted.
    Mine pales in content.
    Which is not so great for this format.
    But, perfect for my life.

    I feel for those who suffered and hurt so greatly in their relationships.
    Through abuse and ruin.
    I understand your anger and need for revenge.
    Even though it differs from my own feelings.
    I wish everyone healing and the ability to move forward.
    To never deny your right to emotions.

    Thank you HG for the opportunity and for posting my letter.
    The accompanying image of letting go of two balloons. Or they look like they could be balloons.
    One for the narcissist the other for myself.
    Releasing my need to know,
    my doubt,
    my blame
    and my attachment.

  3. I really liked this letter. It was heartfelt, eloquent and sincere, but there was no bitterness; It felt like a mature letter from someone who was letting go with serenity. Hopefully more people will be able to reach that peace. Well done!

    1. Thank you, Erin.
      I have let go. There is no burden or weight of him upon me any longer.
      It has been freed from me.
      Reading HG blog and everyone’s responses complements the process.

  4. “The reality of us is, our values and needs differ far too much to co exist.”

    Whoever wrote this letter fully understands the harsh reality of the narc relationship and that it will never work……this letter sums up what many of the rest of us are hoping to achieve…..it’s just a pity that you can’t bottle and sell, Al’s wisdom, reality and achievement…..Diva

  5. You convey the difference between ‘love’ and ‘fuel’ so wonderfully in this letter. Confusing the narcissists ‘need for fuel’ with ‘love’ is probably one of the main reasons that we remain entangled – even when we know the relationship is damaging and unhealthy. I struggled to understand this for such a long time and you communicate it so succinctly here. Thank you Al.

    1. Thank you, Miss Swain.
      I truly believed he loved me, because he made it seem real.
      He will never understand, and that is okay.
      He need not. I did.

  6. How pleasant to read such stories. The stories of recover. This blog definitely needs them. When everything seems so dark, so painful, so desperate, such stories give a lot of light and encouragment for those who are “beginners”.

    Bravo and congratulations, Al. Excellent job!

  7. Great letter! What else can I say….
    Its a shame S****** wont look HG up, or at least I doubt they would….

    1. Thank you, Lisa.

      I came here to HG’s blog for a family member who has been ensnared by seven narcissists of all schools and cadres.
      She is still with the last one.
      She knows what they were and are.
      She told me my ex was one. I never believed her.
      He wasn’t like the men she dated.
      HG has proven here they are of all types.

      Even though I didn’t arrive here for myself.
      I ended up finding out answers to questions I had for years as well.
      For myself.
      For that I am very indebted.

      1. Hi Analise13. Wow really? Thats great that you can now relate for yourself. It is interesting isnt it, just how different they (N’s) are and yet still are all so much alike. It keeps one on their toes…

        1. I never understood my exes behaviour until I came here.
          I moved past it. But, here is where my questions were answered.
          I felt bad I didn’t believe my Aunt, at the time.
          Based on my own lack of knowledge of the disorder.
          I want her to find the freedom I have found and so many here have as well.
          Her abuse mirrors many here. She is not able to let go yet.

  8. What a great letter and im sure one that would of snuffed out any hope he wouldve had to hoover you back in. Altho we are talking a narc here so they are known to keep trying. I like how it was explained to the narc his disorder in a kind and nonfueled way. I could imagine a narc feeling somewhat defeated with this letter as far as attempting a reply. Ty for sharing 🙂

  9. HG what a great idea to invite people to write letters. How many letters do you plan to share with us? I am looking forward to reading more letters and of course, getting to hear your thoughts on all of them.

    1. I will share as many as are of suitable quality for publication to demonstrate various reactions, views and mind sets of the dynamic.

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