G.O.S.O One
What is G.O.S.O. ?
It is the golden concept of ‘Get Out, Stay Out’ which is what every victim of our kind ought to apply to their situation.
Whether you have realised that you have been ensnared by a narcissist or you now realise that this particular person is an abuser, GOSO is always applicable.
Those who have not been caught up in an entanglement with our kind may regard this as blindingly obvious. Of course, what they do not realise is that GOSO has two formidable enemies ; us and you – thus applying GOSO is far harder than they realise.
Of these two enemies it is evident why we are the first one. We regard you as our property, no matter where you sit in the fuel matrix, from NITS to IPPS, you belong to us and you are there to serve the fulfilment of the Prime Aims. The higher your status in the Fuel Index, the greater the effort that will be applied to keep you in place. You will be fully familiar with many of the various manipulations we use to ensure you go nowhere and remain in situ. Our Devil’s Toolkit is used to make sure you are compliant, pumping out fuel and under our control. This control is often substantial, however, you start to recognise the manipulations, you learn about gas lighting, triangulation, word salad and so on and begin to see when these are used. You begin to realise that you should not be treated in this way and with your increased understanding you start to loosen the grip that we have on you.
You begin to see matters in a different light. You now see an abuser, a narcissist, stood before you and not the person you once thought we were. Your resolve increases, your determination solidifies as you realise that you need to remove yourself from our toxic influence. You know what you are dealing with now – it is time to get out. However, there is a second enemy that has loomed into view – you.
You are your own enemy or more specifically, your emotional thinking is. You know you need to get out. Getting out maybe the clear act of ending the formal relationship, moving out of a property or moving us out – implementing no contact and that is the ultimate aim. Sometimes it is getting out of the abusive environment even though you cannot implement no contact, but you are getting out of the influence and detrimental behaviour that you have endured for so long. Whichever one it is, you realise it is time to get out.
It is then that this second enemy of emotional thinking strikes. Emotional thinking is a con artist. Its sole aim is to ensure that your addiction to us is fed. Emotional thinking does not have your interests at heart, although it will pretend that it does. You are trying to remove yourself from one con artist just as another appears although this one is just as hard to spot as our kind. Your emotional thinking wants to always be your first response in any situation concerning our kind because it wants to ensure that you keep feeding the addiction to us. This means that you have to keep engaging with us, thinking about us, seeing us, doing things for us. By remaining within our influence, the addiction remains fed and emotional thinking will do whatever it can to maintain that situation.
Emotional thinking is your enemy in this situation. It has no interest in the fact that your self-confidence has vanished, that you are utterly exhausted, that you are confused, that you are nursing a broken arm, that you are bleeding money, that your sense of self is evaporating, that you have lost your friends, that your job is suffering and a hundred other misfortunes. All it cares about is ensuring that you do not get out. By stopping this happening, the addiction is fed.
Accordingly, this sly and devious emotional thinking will occupy your thoughts as quickly as it can in order to keep cool, hard logic at bay. Unfortunately for you, it does this with considerable ease because :-
- You are unlikely to fully understand what is happening at the juncture when you recognise a need to get out;
- You have been repeatedly conditioned by our manipulation to adopt emotional thinking, so that it is always the immediate response when you are making decisions;
- Your ability to cope will have been reduced. Emotional thinking offers you the ‘easy’ option (but not the right option) and when you are ground down, this has considerable appeal.
So, what is the consequence? Your logical thinking tells you “This person is bad for me, I need to get out.” Before logical thinking can add anything else, your emotional thinking surges and drowns it out and instead fills your mind with what it wants you to think. Indeed, so significant is this emotional thinking that it becomes your only way of thinking and ‘takes over’ in terms of what you do. Emotional thinking is governing you and because it is, you are unable to see that it is. It removes your insight. That is why you often look back and think “What the hell was I thinking? That wasn’t me”. That is because you were placed on auto-pilot by your emotional thinking and you took a course of action without realising the impact of it, because your logical thinking could not get a look in.
How does this emotional thinking manifest? It is devious as I mentioned, because what it does is masquerade as something which is linked to your empathic traits so it convinces that what you are doing is actually ‘good’ and the ‘right thing’ to do. All part of its conning nature. Thus, when you have that brief moment of logic and decide that you need to get out, emotional thinking is alerted and realises there is a danger to getting its fix of the addiction to us. It surges and manifests in many different ways, such as :-
“But if I leave, how he will be able to manage. I will feel bad for him.” – this links to your traits of decency and feeling guilt.
Logic would say
“Why be concerned about how we will manage? He has never been concerned about how you have managed? You do not have to be responsible for this person. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say :-
“But what if he can change, he said he will get therapy and he has made an appointment. What if I go and miss out on him changing for the better?” – this links to your traits of hope and the desire to heal.
Logic would tell you
“He is a narcissist. He will not change. He cannot change. You have no need to stay. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Emotional thinking will say:-
“Now isn’t a good time it is his birthday/her mother just died/she has a big project at work/he isn’t well.” – this links into your traits of guilt and decency.
Logic would tell you
“Now is the right time. He spoiled your birthday/ she didn’t care when your father died/ he has never supported your work/ she never looked after you when you were unwell. You deserve better. Get out.”
Yet logic is unheard.
Here are further examples of the emotional thinking which stops you getting out. Are any familiar? What would logical thinking be telling you in response if it was heard?
“I don’t have anywhere to go to and I like living in this house.”
“But what if the children want to see him and that upsets them?”
“I am frightened of what he will do to me.”
“He said if I ever left him he would post those videos and pictures on the internet.”
“I don’t want to feel like I have failed and give up on us.”
“I know she is seeing someone else, what if I go and they end up happy together? Why should I give them a clear run at a relationship together?”
“But I still love her.”
“He needs my help, i cannot walk away from someone who is needing help.”
“She hasn’t got anybody else but me.”
“It will be too hard to do it. I just need to find a way of making him happy instead.”
“What will I do for money? He controls it all, I will be destitute.”
“I am scared to date again.”
“What will people think though if I go, it will make him look bad at work and to his friends.”
“It could be worse, I mean, she is wonderful sometimes and the sex is amazing. I can put up with it for the good times surely?”
“I am getting old and I don’t want to have to start all over again.”
“I would go, but I have to stay for the sake of the children.”
“I am not giving up, you have to fight sometimes to save a relationship and I am a fighter.”
“I just have to love him more. Love will save the day. It has to.”
Your emotional thinking will use fear, guilt, hope, dedication, valiance, selflessness, status, loyalty and more besides to make you stay and derail your attempt to get out.
A fundamental part of Getting Out is to recognise that it is your emotional thinking that is talking to you, that this is not the right way of thinking and that this emotional thinking is a con artist.
By disciplining your mind to recognise emotional thinking, you will then allow logic an opportunity to make itself heard. When logic makes itself heard, emotional thinking will fight back, but the more you engage in recognising this emotional thinking and allowing logic to make itself heard, the easier it will become until you will instinctively realise you are adopting emotional thinking and you will then apply logic. Keep maintaining this discipline and you will then find that logic will start to prevail and you are conquering the second enemy so that you now see no reason to remain and your stated desire to get out will be fulfilled.
How might you bring about the state of affairs? The major one is to build your understanding by reading. This develops your logic and provides you with material that your mind can go to instead of just finding emotional thoughts which will not help you. You need to have a repository of material which your mind can access which reminds you of what you are dealing with.
There are also numerous techniques to adjust your thought process, but I will explain one to you now. One method is to find a totem. Find an object, it might be a polished stone from the beach, it might be a lump of amethyst, a piece of jewellery belonging to someone special, an unusual coin, a stress ball – it can be anything so long as it fits into your hand. This then needs to be placed somewhere you will see it every day – on your nightstand, on the console table by the front door, next to the sink in the bathroom. Every day you must take the totem and wrap your hand around it, feel it in your hand and then ask yourself
“I must GOSO. What would logic tell me to do?”
Chances are the first response will be a piece of emotional thinking similar to those listed above. Halt the thought and assess it. Is this logic or emotional thinking? Recognise what it is. If, as expected, it is emotional thinking then destroy that thought by working out what the logic is – you will find the logical thinking will appear quicker than you would imagine because you have been building your understanding.
Do this every day around the same time. You will then find that when you have an emotional thought you will recognise to go to your totem, hold it and reject the emotional thought and work out the logic. You may need to go to your totem a dozen times a day, but steadily you are building your logic, reducing your reliance on emotional thinking and then you will find you are doing it without needing to go to your totem because you have reset your thinking. As this happens, you will then find the clarity and resolve to get out and not be stopped.
It is not easy. We instinctively know that your mind is fighting to prevent you from getting out and we rely on this in tandem with our own endeavours to keep you under our control. However, by building your understanding and resetting your thinking, you will get your emotional thinking under enough control to act on the need to get out.
GOSO 2 addresses how emotional thinking tries to derail your need to stay out once you have got out.
179 thoughts on “G.O.S.O One”
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DR.HG Tudor.
HG, what would you say if someone proposed you to apply the same method you propose in this article to train yourself to react differently to real or perceived criticism? Apply it to take distance or control of your inner reaction to it.
I would question why I would need to since there is no harmful outcome to me. There is however a harmful outcome to you if you do not apply it.
Well, I thought that criticism compromises the integrity of the construct and therefore the cage that emprisons the beast, which is what you fear the most. By changing your emotional patterns and controlling your reactions to criticism, your construct is safer. You are safer.
Of course you wil not find a reason to do it because you can easily deal with criticism by getting fuel. But by gaining control on your inner reactions you are moving towards self sufficiency, independence and are getting more control over the beast.
But I know you will say why bother when getting fuel is easier.
I know
Oh, I forgot to mention adrenaline and cortisol. By acquiring a better control of your emotional reaction to criticism your body would produce less of the fight hormones and you will probably sleep better. Is that a good incentive?
Probably not.
I appreciate the consideration Lou, I sleep well once I am asleep.
Yes, but that’s no good if it takes you three days to get to sleep, HG. And all that snoozing while hanging upside-down affects your REM.
[Caroline’s evil twin wrote this].
It amused HG.
HG, by changing your patterns, you show your greatness.
I see what you are doing and fair enough. I can demonstrate my greatness already though.
HG, there may be a harmful outcome for you too. Look at Pistorius. Ok, it seems he is a lesser and therefore has less control over his fury. But look at Sam Vaknin, who had to go to jail for fraud, I believe. Even you got caught because of your behaviour and have to go to therapy to avoid going to jail. You have said you could kill during a fury attack. All I am saying is that there may also be a harmful outcome for you too.
No, I didn’t get caught at all. It is all lies. As I have explained however that the time taken to deal with an intrusive investigation when I have other matters to attend to is not something I welcome, therefore it made sense to head off that problem. As you know Lou, it wasn’t the sole reason for me engaging in therapy either.
I agree that there are potential harmful outcomes for some of our kind.
Lou
Great question.
Thanks Narc Angel
My guess is that HG will say that he is perfect therefore there is no need to train himself to do anything. He’s the trainer, not the trainee,
Oh. Just saw his response. Ignore this.
Great article
“You are unlikely to fully understand what is happening at the juncture when you recognise a need to get out”
Yes this also lets the narcissist get the drop on us because we just revealed that we know who they are..but we dont know fully what we are dealing with.
So yet again its an uneven situation where we are only suspicious of something and they know for a fact that we know.
But I am trying to take distance from my emotional thinking, which is both challenging and liberating. So I look forward to the second part of this article.
I think I know what I sooner or later will have to do, and I see the lessons I still have to learn. I just want to enjoy a little more the comfort I am enjoying at the moment, which is new for me. It is not financial comfort, although there is that kind of comfort too. It is actually emotional comfort. It is like I have walked up a very long staircase and now I am standing in a landing, not only recuperating but actually enjoying the view through the window. I know my emotional thinking is telling me to stay in the landing longer and enjoy the view, And I also know the are still more stairs to climb, I just do not feel like climbing them now. I want to do it when I feel ready.
You are making progress. Of course it is your emotional thinking telling you that you do not feel like climbing them now and to do it when you feel ready.
I have nobody and nowhere to go to and I do like my life at the moment, although he is definitely not someone for me.
I love this article, Mr Tudor. Thanks.
You are welcome.
Hello HG!
That is something that I’m very interested in and I don’t think anyone else can assist me with this.
I have talked to different age groups and they all have different opinions about what’s appropriate but they have never been entangled with a narcissist before so they can’t fully understand.
I know you have all the answers.
Hi snow white!
Nice to see u on the blog!
It seems u r still quite affected by ur ex-narc. I feel v similar to u. It’s been 1.5 yrs since i’ve seen him, and 2.5 yrs since i originally escaped him, yet i still think abt him.
Like u, I have completely changed as a person. I get panic attacks more easily now, i like to be alone more often, i don’t laugh as much as i used to. I cry more easily these days. I don’t know when or if i’ll ever return to my former carefree self.
Thank you H.G., now I know emotional thinking is why I stayed 3 more years in a violent, physically abusive relationship with my daughter’s father, who I now am able to identify as a lesser narc, was celibate for another three and then let a midrange latch on.
Just kicked my father out of my life who is a greater. I give up. I Just want to live in a bubble. I never was able to identify that the others were narcs too until I discovered you whilst trying to get over the midrange- and now here I am dealing with and healing from the other two. I’m a mess.
I didn’t expect to open up those wounds. This article did. I am so angry, and you are right, emotions are con artists that allow you to imprison yourself with these types of people.
Best. Advice. Ever.
Thank you!
Pleasure.
HG – the way you help us empaths heal reminds me of antivenom. If a poisonous snake bites you the cure for the bite is drops of poison from the same type of snake. Thank you for your eloquent drops of poison.
You are welcome, I like that description, “eloquent drops of poison”.
No psychologist could say all these in a better way. An amazing article, HG. Totally amazing.
Thank you.
Best yet. I say that often. True.
Brass tacks helpful.
Because you know.
Thankyou.
Dear Mr Tudor,
Absolutely splendid article. Marvellous response.
This is extremely helpful to us. I’ve always used logic … AFTER the emotion or event, as I think most of us do! We should be more like traffic lights, stop, proceed with caution and only when it’s safe to do so, proceed! If we took things waaaaaaaay slower, stop overthinking, we may make better decisions and choices.
I always thought “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”. Men use logic, women use emotion … it’s just who we are, it’s in our DNA . I can always give logic/common sense to others, yet I find it difficult to apply it to myself. I guess that’s stepping outside the square, which we need to do.
I am now off to search for “totems” and “logic” and place them everywhere.
Thankyou for this Mr Tudor, you’re one smart cookie !
Indeed I am and you are welcome.