Exposure : Escape

exposure-3

Should you expose your narcissist when you have escaped? Should you expose him or her if you have been discarded? It is far more likely that you have established who it is you have been dealing with for so many tortuous months or even years, when the Formal Relationship has concluded. Whether you managed to escape, or, more often, you have been discarded, the revelation of what you have been entangled with is more likely to appear in the aftermath than opposed to during seduction or devaluation.

Armed with this new found knowledge, as the pieces of the jigsaw start to fit together, but whilst the emotion remains raw, the desire to expose us to the world at large is extremely tempting. What better way to secure revenge than letting those who fawn over us understand what we really are? You know now and in accordance with your empathic nature you feel obligated to share this truth now that you have sought the truth and found it. Now it must surely be time to announce to the world that we are a narcissist?

Once again, as described during devaluation, the timing and the school of narcissist are highly relevant to understanding what is likely to happen as a consequence of this unmasking to third parties. We address here the likely outcomes when you have escaped your narcissist.

Post Escape

The next scenario is to consider what will occur should you expose us to third parties once you have escaped our grasp.

The Lesser. 

You will have stolen a march on the Lesser Narcissist. Based on the assumption that you have effected no contact and escaped his grasp without giving him an opportunity to try to prevent your escape (see https://narcsite.com/2016/08/20/how-no-contact-feels-part-one/) then your exposure will have taken the Lesser by surprise.

His efforts will have been focused on trying to win you back through the application of an Initial Grand Hoover, but if your no contact has remained intact and this IGH has failed, the Lesser will have been forced to seek out a new primary source to replace you. His fuel levels will have dropped and he will not have the energy levels to engage in any meaningful smearing of you as he tries to seduce a replacement.

As word of the your exposure reaches him, he will be wounded by this substantial criticism. His fury will be ignited and he will want to lash out at you. Knowledge of the exposure will have amounted to you entering a sphere of influence so there is a Hoover Trigger. His reaction will be to want to effect a malign hoover against you. However, if your no contact is solid and the wounding effect of the exposure will mean that you have raised the bar high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. He will not effect the hoover because the prospect of fuel is difficult, he may not be able to contact you and there is the risk of further wounding.

He will however have his fury ignited by the wounding effect of the exposure. Unable to apply this heated fury against you through a malign hoover and in desperate need of fuel, the Lesser will actually be likely to lash out at his secondary sources. This creates a further problem for him. Whilst on the one hand those secondary sources – family and friends, will react by giving him fuel – they cannot help but do so as he lashes out at them causing anger, upset and surprise – he is also reinforcing what you have exposed him for.

Accordingly, in such a scenario, you have spread word of what he is. This has got back to the narcissist and irrespective of whether people believe what you have said or not (we turn to that in a  moment) the mere fact of you committing such an act of treachery as well results in huge criticism and thus huge wounding. Unable to perform what will in effect be a Malign Follow-up Hoover against you, the Lesser will have lost control and will lash out left right and centre. People will be railed against, insulted, items smashed and so forth as the Lesser damages the facade through his own inability to control his rage.

Eventually the garnered fuel will heal the wound but after this the Lesser faces the consequences of his actions. Numerous sources will turn their back on him and he will be left to rely on a diminished range of sources. Lacking the energy to draw in many replacement secondary sources, the Lesser is forced to focus on obtaining (or embedding) the new primary source. He will however withdraw generally as he regains fuel and slowly replaces the appliances that he has lost. This may even force the Lesser to move territory and seek out a new hunting ground.

Your exposure to the third parties will meet with some success, certainly more than if it took place during devaluation. This is because you are likely to be more composed in your approach, because you escaped and you have been able to get in first with your exposure before the Lesser has been able to smear. Not everybody will accept what you tell them, but others will. You will also then see that rather than fight back by smearing you and tackling your exposure, the out of control and wounded Lesser will only behave in a manner which allows you to stand back and say

“Told you so.”

So long as you engage in this exposure in a manner whereby the wild and raging Lesser cannot exact his Malign Follow-Up Hoover against you, exposing him post escape is likely to meet with success.

The Mid-Ranger

What then of the Mid-Ranger? How does he respond once you have exposed him post escape? Again, this is based on you managing to escape without tipping him off as otherwise you will initially face the scenario detailed here https://narcsite.com/2016/08/22/how-no-contact-feels-part-two/

Once word reaches the Mid-Ranger of your exposure he will also be taken by surprise. Although possessing of a better cognitive function and greater control than the Lesser, the Mid-Range Narcissist will also suffer a massive wound as a combination of the twin criticisms of your escape and the exposure. His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.

The fury of the Mid-Ranger will be ignited and he will need to seek fuel. Just like the Lesser, he will turn to wanting to contact you by way of a follow-up hoover, since your exposure step has caused you to enter his sphere of influence and a hoover is triggered. The Mid-Ranger will not proceed in a malign fashion but he will want to hoover you in a benign way and for the purposes of rolling our repeated pity plays in the expectation of causing you to give him fuel and to also end and indeed reverse the exposure.

He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you. He will be oblivious to his devaluation of you as he is intent and focused on his own discomfort. The wound will have him restless, morbid and in victim mode. If the Mid-Ranger is able to engage with you, you can expect a lengthy monologue as he seeks to draw sympathy from you and also your confirmation that the exposure is a mistake, based on a misunderstanding and you will rectify it by telling everyone that you have made a mistake and that he is in fact a decent and reliable person.

If the Mid-Ranger is unable to contact you to make this heartfelt plea, then he is forced to seek sympathy elsewhere and he will engage his energies in locating (or embedding the new primary source) as he smears you for your hurtful treachery and also rolling out his own propaganda response to those you have exposed him too. He will want sympathy and support from his supporters, he will entreat his coterie and lieutenants to disbelieve you and to persuade others of his merits.

You may meet with some success in persuading third parties to accept the true nature of the Mid Ranger if you are able to steal a march on him through your escape. If you can get your exposure in before he can smear you then you will have some success. You will face the difficulty that the Mid-Ranger will not respond in an aggressive manner but rather deploy pity and seek sympathy all in order to have people feel sorry for him. This is an effective step by him and he will not engage in the self-defeating behaviour of the Lesser.

Your exposure combined with no contact will cause him to slink away and leave you alone. He will be forced to apply his efforts to the replacement and trying to repair his reputation with the third parties and smear you also. Whilst he has more energy than the Lesser, he may ultimately opt to maintain a low profile and rely on what remains of his loyal sources as he located and embeds the new primary source. You have raised the Hoover Execution Criteria bar and therefore the prospects of further hoovers will be limited for some time.

The Greater

Finally we turn to the Greater. What is his reaction on you escaping him and exposing him? Once again, if you have tipped him off as to your intentions, the initial response from him will be as described here

https://narcsite.com/2016/08/24/how-no-contact-feels-part-three/

If you do not tip off the Greater, what happens when he learns that you are exposing his behaviour and what he is to third parties.

Your escape and this attempted unmasking, amounts, as you would expect, to a criticism. It wounds the Greater but he will manage his fury and keep it under control. For now. His initial response will be two fold:-

  1. He will seek to apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover to charm you. This will be fierce and sustained and seem like an Initial Grand Hoover, but it is not. He will be delightful, pleasant, apparently remorseful and will lay on the charm and magnetism; and
  2. He will deploy all resources in order to counter the effects of your exposure with the third parties. This will be initially by way of asserting his credentials, then undermining you and smearing you.

If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

  1. Naturally for fuel; and
  2. To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.

Your escape will be portrayed as him leaving you. You will be smeared as The Crazy One and he will gain fuel from your replacement and his other sources. He is adept at doing so and consequently this will provide him with the additional energy to smear you and derail your exposure.

It is very hard to expose a Greater because he has charmed so many people that they will just find it very hard to believe what you are saying to them. Not only that, the Greater will be fighting back by reassuring these people there is nothing to worry about whilst pointing to your drink problem, your habitual lying, your possessive jealousy and so forth. This combination of reassurance, charm and smearing means you are unlikely to have much effect on the thoughts and opinions of the third parties, other than them to hold you in contempt.

The new replacement will be paraded in order to try to draw fuel from you, there will be frequent Relationship Bulletins and you may have escaped but your exposure will actually feel like you are under siege again because of the effects of the Greater’s sustained and co-ordinated response.

Even high calibre evidence of what the Greater is may well founder in the light of his charm and concentrated abilities and ultimately you run the risk of either being seduced again through his charm or if you can maintain no contact, you will find your exposure has not dented his standing but has had an adverse effect on your from the sustained smearing you will suffer. Even if your exposure ‘gets in’ first, the Greater can  mobilise his propaganda machine quickly with the consequent problems this will cause for you.

You may wish to consider carefully whether there is anything to be gained from exposing the Greater and instead focus on the gains you have made from escaping.

Next consideration will be given to the scenario of exposure following discard.

 

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12 thoughts on “Exposure : Escape”

  1. “He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you.”

    I heard this statement, I also heard how he was aware of his mistreatment of me and how he will change it all for me. I heard that he went to see two psychiatrists and all they did was give him medication… I have heard his sorrys (which he NEVER said while we were together). I have also heard his anger and blame throwing in between it all. His slip of the tongue, the truth. I never wanted to hurt him and all I ever did was cover his hateful ways, I wanted everyone to see what I saw… but with all of the crazy after effects I had no choice but to talk… I only allowed a few people to know everything though. He does not deserve to be cast out to sea, hated or alone. Everyone needs love, everyone needs somebody to care.

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  2. GH:
    My story is unlike most stories posted on your site, in that this is about narcissism at workplace, not in a family. But it hurt a lot nonetheless…

    I have had a best “friend” at work for several years. Except…there were always oddities: joke-like put-downs of me in front of other co-workers, grandiosity expressed to me in private conversations (e.g. when he coyly compared himself to Jesus Christ, called himself a visionary, claimed to have immigrated to our new home country to “take revenge” on it for
    some misdeeds against his motherland), and disdainful opinions expressed about others who are “incompetents” or “fools”. But–as good neurotic “friend” as I was–I kept explaining such bizarre incidents as due to his forgivable weakness, sensitivity, stress at work, etc. Most of the time he behaved as a senior friend, mentor and a “protector”. But again: I felt that his characterization of me to others was just a tad too cloying, to the point of being self-serving because it was he who recognized my
    talents and without him I would be helpless. I told him not to paint a such a caricature of me, but on such occasions, he kept disregarding me, still preferring to present himself as a “protector” of my (imagined) talent. I had an inkling of being used, but I could not believe myself, seeing how good he was most of the time. But I had learnt to be an expert handler of his ego, knowing to tread very carefully where his sensitivity might have been offended. He used my work, my results, my technical contributions to projects, and somehow he always remain an expert in all of these fields to which I had introduced him.

    Finally, and without warnings, in discussions involving junior colleagues (probably there for a bit of dominance theatre), he exploded at me with such terrifying rage that I felt totally shocked, not even knowing if he had limits at all. His tirades about my being useless and insulting where accompanied by sustained unblinking stares for literally half a minute–as if to “finish me off”. This happened twice, and after each explosion he calmed in about 30 seconds or so: I could not believe that one can stop being genuinely angry so quickly.

    So I realized that I had to get distance from him, but I could not go no-contact at all: this is a workplace, and he responded to my initial decreased contacts with an arsenal of tools: looking pitiful, thinly veiled threats and reminders about “consequences” of my decision not to work with him on the same projects, forcing me to give him information not by asking, but by emotionally manipulating me and extracting my technical input, even trying to bamboozle me into covering up his illegal use of
    unlicensed software. So I simply had to expose him to the HR and to management. I did described his behaviour, which was met with total incredulity: he is so good at playing a stoic victim and he so charmed most of the people –and intimidate some others–that my revelations were treated guardedly at best. Still, they had to do something–hence a “mediation meeting” took place, where my former “friend” denied everything so completely that no normal person could even imagine: his justifications of his aggressive explosions included my “being too sensitive”, his “being too passionate about his work”, and even his “peculiar facial features that made me fearful of his attentive looks”.

    Now we continue working in the same company, but in a strictly limited
    communications style. I am afraid of his vindictiveness. Sometimes I almost regret that I decided to extricate myself from him, thinking that I could have avoided so much aggravation at work. Other times I feel that I had no choice: once I realized that our “friendship” was destroying my soul, I could not continue being in this two-men cult of sorts.

    H G, I enjoy your blog posts a lot: gaining more information about narcissist has been a huge part of my healing. But I am not even sure that me “friend” was a narcissist… Was he?

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    1. Hello Reg, thank you for your comment and I am pleased that you are enjoying the blog posts. Thank you for reading and I hope you will continue to do so. The individual you speak of certainly is exhibiting tendencies in his behaviour which would point strongly to him being a narcissist. Further, your response, of not at first seeing him for what he was (which is common and understandable) alongwith then making excuses for his behaviour is owing to your empathic nature and is entirely common. You also witnessed his appropriation of your successes combined with the switching from clam to ignited fury and then back to calm once again. All prime indicators.

      His behaviour once you raised the matter with HR is also highly indicative and was all about smearing you, avoiding any accountability for his actions and blame-shifting. I have five points to make to you:-

      1. Your friend is a narcissist and you have listed much that confirms that to be the case. You did well to identify this.
      2. Your sense of wondering whether you ought to have just remained quiet is understandable, but you would have been subjected to further bouts of fury and then the matter being brushed over as is nothing had happened so that the toll it would take on you would be far greater than where you are now. You have reduced the risk and damage to yourself.
      3. The reaction of HR etc is entirely typical and it is very difficult in such situations to have people who have no comprehension of what NPD is to take such a matter seriously.
      4. You recognise that his behaviour and you engaging with him was contrary to your well-being and you did something about it. You ought to be proud of that fact.
      5. Stay vigilant and minimise your interactions to avoid further repercussions as he will no doubt be looking to issue malign follow-up hoovers against you following your escape of sorts.

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  3. Much to think about with this, many more questions seem to be surfacing.
    Brilliant article none the less, HG!

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  4. Given that he is surrounded by people that have no clue what NPD is…
    Given his high level of denial…
    Given his already evident suffering from addiction and mood disorder and his PTSD…
    Given that he has his own path in life to follow…
    Given that I didn’t wish to extend the battle and pain…
    Given that I just wanted to escape with as minimal damage… to both of us,
    Given that I hate being stalked as it is…..

    I chose not to disclose.

    Let go, let God.

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  5. I read No Contact part 3. (Its on a loop, not sure why). I kept waiting to read ‘my/our’ scenario. Nope, nope, thats not me, thats wasnt us….FINALLY got to the end and there it was. Pretty close to my/our No Contact story. Hell yes I was glad he crumbled! Hell yes I was glad he couldnt impliment the hoover. Hell yes I was glad he had no replacement for his loss in me!! I considered it was the least I could do….to get SOME sort of revenge on the prick. Didnt feel sorry for him one bit. Thank you HG. As ususl, great read.

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