Poll – How Have You Been Hoovered?
The hoover. Infamous weapon of our kind.
Which type of types of hoover have you experienced? This poll is by reference to either those hoovers which formed part of the Initial Grand Hoover (when you escaped) or the Follow-Up Hoovers, down the line following disengagement or escape.
Did you find yourself in receipt of repeated text messages or was it a hand-written letter? Did the narcissist speak to you in person, turning up at your home or at your work place for instance? Perhaps you experienced The Spectre where the narcissist would make their physical presence known but would not speak, standing outside your house, driving past your home, hovering nearby as you collected your children from school? Maybe it was done by proxy, through a friend or family of yours or the narcissist? Were gifts sent or did you find that your property was damaged or stolen? Perhaps you could not resist looking at the narcissist’s social media where you saw various posts which were aimed at you in the hope you would see them, through this passive form of hoovering? Was it a Reverse Hoover so that you were invited or caused to contact the narcissist because he would not return property or kept a pet?
It isn’t the detail of the hoover but the methodology, so if the narcissist opted for a Fake Emergency Powerplay Hoover and did so through a text message, then it is the methodology of text message which is relevant for this poll.
As ever, please do expand on your experience in the comments section and you can choose as many answers as are applicable before pressing vote.
Thank you for participating.
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He used every hoover in the handbook and the some.
I remain unhoovered and thankful for it. I am not quite at the place where I could completely ignore him. HG has said that this is the best way to land the fatal wound, to (hopefully) end it.
Dear Mr Tudor,
He approached me from behind in the shopping car park (he stood in a quick getaway position) 8 months ago, mentioning he had sent me a Xmas card and text, (both of which I never received) ! I “unfriended” him by text straight after that meeting! Then he Ghosted me in April …thankfully all quiet on the “western front” and hope it stays that way! It’s funny, he lives close by and I used to see him everywhere, at the shops, on the road …. now it’s like “poof” and he’s gone!
Love your polls
HG. Could you please write a bit about reverse hover? I am quite not sure how does reverse hover works. Thank you.
Hello Katerina, I have made a note about this for a future article.
I am getting late night call from numbers that I don’t know, I don’t answer but during daytime I try to call back and no body answer, it looks like they are goggle phone numbers, is this a Hoover even thought I do not know if it is him? 5 weeks no contact and counting!!!
Vicky
It sounds like a Silent Hoover. I found this post very helpful explaining different types of hoovers. I hope it helps.
https://narcsite.com/2017/08/14/6-speciality-hoovers-and-how-to-unplug-them-5/#comments
Thank you, this does help!!! But why call from different phone numbers, why not just call from his number?
He probably didnt use his number for two reasons…to create curiosity and get you wondering who it was and if it was him and leverage you into contacting him to ask. Thats a hoover where he doesnt have to risk rejection from you and can pretend like it wasnt him but now that were talking…xyz…
Hello Vicky…
I bet my bottom English pound that it probably is your narc.
However with all unknown numbers always mark them as spam or block that number because sometimes you get scams that rip you off on those kind of numbers regardless, so blocking them all is going to be a win win.
Take care of precious You.
I think so too, thank you for your advice, yes I would block those numbers! HG i am curious was the purpose of this type of Hoover, just a call Not saying anything and anyway I don’t answer it.
Testing the water and seeking fuel.
Vicky
Hello, I am glad you found the post helpful. He probably knows you won’t pick up if you see his number, so I am guessing that the different numbers may be a ruse to get you to pick up and respond, or to make you curious. I pulled the lines below out of the post because I think they explain it best.
“we will do a few further Silent Hoovers to increase your curiosity and confirm that you are vulnerable now to our overture by way of a further hoover.”
Hopefully, if you keep ignoring the calls they will stop.
K on, they have stopped by now, well last one I got was last Saturday, it was more frecuent at the beginning of the discard, I hope he keep it like that, he blocked me from everywhere I have not contact with him and I don’t want too, what he did (blocking me ) actually help me a lot to move on little by little, it was so hard but I am feeling better now and stronger, I am seeing him and things that he did to me for what they really were, ABUSE, everything, phisical, emotional, and sexual abuse. I don’t understand how a human being could be so cruel and I think I will never understand.
Vicky
It is very, very difficult and the longer you are away from him, the clearer it all becomes. You start to see the physical, emotional and sexual abuse for what it really was. No contact is the best thing you can do to protect yourself but he will hoover again, so beware. From our perspective, we cannot fathom the way the narcissist operates. Their cruelty knows no bounds. They behave the way they do to survive, it is mostly all instinct, and they do it for one thing, and one thing only. Fuel. When you have a chance read the link below. Please, stay here and keep reading, this blog is the only place that has helped me recover. There is no other place out there like this blog.
https://narcsite.com/2017/09/28/whats-it-all-for-4/
Thank you so much K, I will keep reading and learning about this!! Truly this site is a blessing!! It is great to find some answers here when you are left out with so many questions and so much damage over all, I am going to therapy and dealing with anxiety depresión and suicidal thoughts thanks to all the physical sexulal and emocional abuse I put on with this person!!! 😞
Vicky
I am very sorry he put you through all that physical, sexual and emotional abuse. You did not deserve any of that and remember: nothing was your fault. If you stay here, you will get logical and honest answers to all your questions. Hopefully the anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts will start to fade as your journey progresses. Many of us here have experienced those feeling and thoughts, too. And you are right, this site truly is a blessing and I am very happy that you have found your way here.
HG – what makes a mid ranger react to someone ignoring their Hoover by going away versus making them try again? I am NC yet he has hoovered me once already. Is there anything in addition to nc I can do to keep him away?
How did he hoover you?
HG- He hwas actually hoovered twice. Once by text and once my neighbor said she saw him come to my front door.
Mostly gifts, because he knows I’m the kind of person who feels bad if I don’t at least say, thank you, when even he does something “nice” for me. The “thank you” turns into opening up a dialog between us, which is obviously just a way for him to worm his way back in my life. I don’t feel badly anymore…bring on the gifts asshole, I’m still going to ignore you while I enjoy them.
I voted text bc most of the hoovers by my narc are text or email. Ususally its email and in letter format. Ive lost track how many times weve done the hoover dance. The anxiety waiting to see if he replies and feeling scared maybe this is it the big finale but so far its not been. Every disengagement hes gotten in touch with me and i have with him. He knows what i need to hear and writes it so lovingly. The relief is so welcomed. Ive kept all these emails and have reread them shaking my head at how repeated they all are yet we keep doing the dance. Im just as much at fault. After we patch up via email its a mini honeymoon period before it starts up again and sometimes something enirely different will emerge and cause the next disengagement. Its like a dry spell and rain quenches the thirst then things are lush again. The narc cycle.
The hoovers work bc he knows what to say to future fake and bc i want them to work. Were both at fault for the hoovers being successful.
narc affair
I wish I knew what to say to help you hold on, to hold out for the anxiety and loss to pass, for hope and peace to take root. You have endured this cycle of suffering long enough. He will never be there for you in any real or durable sense of the word, he’s proven it. Damn the extremes of drought and deluge. There is a more temperate zone waiting for you to enjoy. Don’t focus on his words, because they come to him easily and ultimately mean nothing. Instead, think about what he’s actually done. His actions.
HG has dedicated himself to the effort of giving us his insight as building material. He wants us to craft ourselves that safe vessel of cognition to carry us through our emotional ocean to the land that is waiting on the other side. He believes we can do this. Bit by bit, you will come to build your vessel and get to that temperate and solid land. Let’s keep trying.
Hi merripen…ty for your reply and you have such a beautiful way of wording things and really conveying what you want to come across. You have helped so much by sharing your experiences. The post where you described staying afloat thru the waves of grief and anxiety really is hopeful. Seeing others like yourself weather these storms really does give hope and strength bc youve already been thru it and came out on the other side 💓👍
1st one (and still going…) will change his profile pic to one that means something to me or post songs that are clear messages to me. Before I knew all I am learning now, I would always get sucked in and msg him. Now it’s been over 2 months this time and I haven’t msg’d but we’ve had full conversations with song titles/lyrics back and forth in code on fb.
2nd one, (somatic) after we broke up had his friend call and invite me out to a movie with them. Said Narc wanted me to come. I meet them at the bar and he’s with a new IPPS. Kept sneering at me and smiling. I left when he wasn’t looking and he was SO PISSED! Kept blowing up my phone telling me how pissed off he was that I left! WTF??? LOL! Did he really feel like I SHOULD stay there and be abused just because he wanted me to??? Luckily I wasn’t that into him. He also did drive by’s and would flip me off. So immature. So I told one of his lieutenants he was always trying my clothes on (truth) and he finally left me alone. He did not age well and I hope he’s miserable somewhere.
3rd (victim narc) wouldn’t give back most of my belongings when I left him and kept our dog only to hurt me. I had to keep contacting him to try to get my stuff and he only doled out a little at a time so I would have to keep asking. Took me 15 years to get SOME of my photo albums back from him. He said the rest may have gotten destroyed by water damage- he couldn’t find them… but they were all in the same place, and the others were fine. And when I picked up the last ones, he asked if I wanted to hang out! HA! Now just down to #1. The one I still can’t get out of my system.
My hoovering started after 5 months of silence from him. First, I kept getting requests by random people (later I learned it was his friends) to follow my Instagram account. Deleted all of them. Then came a request from a woman he was living with. The profile picture had a picture of him and her together. I ignored it, then it was emails from this same girl asking to talk to me. I ignored it again. Finally two weeks later, constant text messages from him asking to see me again. Then came the sob story about how his life has been miserable with this new woman. He regretted everything and wanted to start again. Then came constant dinner invites and then…I was discarded. Haven’t heard from him since. HG, I am assuming what I listed above was all hoovering. Since I’ve been discarded again, am I safe from future hoovering?
No. Read The Spheres of Influence and It’s Hoover Time.
Banging on my door, and soon after the lesser somatic picked the lock, and stormed in looking to see if I was with someone else, while yelling “come out, come out, where ever you are, you punk ass bitch” your a walking dead man.
Only problem was, I wasn’t seeing anyone else. It was very strange behavior to say the least.
None of these applied to my most recent disengagement from the narc male.
However, my mother is the mother ship of hoovering. I have no contact with her but she will text every now and then and say things like “can I ask you a question”? If I say yes, she will then say something like “I’ve been so good to you….why have you been so bad to me”? or “I’m out of eyelash gel, could you help me?” Eternal victim. I always tell people, if she ever starts a sentence with “can I ask you a question” say, no, and RUN!!!!! Run for your life!!!!!
I don’t respond unless she is in physical distress. If she or extended family texted that she had a major accident or stroke, etc. then I would respond but that’s the only time.
12345
I’m sorry you have had to develop such skills to safely interact with your mother. No Contact is a way of life for so many people here.
During the 5 yrs with my narc I was discarded countless times. I didn’t know what that was at the time, but of course we got back together… After a silent treatment for a few days, he’d call and I just figured that “fight” was over.
However, when I woke up in May and escaped him on June 2nd, I went no contact right away. He emailed hundreds of emails pleading to get back together with promises of change and future faking. He showed up at my home 7 times crying and pleading that he was so sorry for everything and promised change. He suddenly wanted to get married, adopt my daughter and buy us a big beautiful home that I could decorate any way I wanted…On one of these grand hoovers he left me a typed, 3 page letter of promises called “My Commitment to Peaceful”. It was quite funny, at the end of pg 3 he said: “Please respond by 10pm tomorrow” with the date…
I video taped the 7th home visit proposal and sent it to his DLS and sister. That stopped him from coming to my home! These hoovers were intense and became more intense with each one…
The emails continued, and I began to notice the drivebys. I tape them too. The last thing was he dropped off a bag with photos of us and me. He x’d out my face and tore them up. I found them on my porch one day after work. I brought them to the police station and filed a report.
Peaceful
Peaceful
Your resolve was very strong to resist such intense hoovering. I admire your strength and determination. I hope your life post-escape is bringing you healing and promise. You deserve it.
Proxy: About 3-4 weeks ago he went up the back deck stairs and tried to ask my son if he wanted to go out for lunch or dinner. That is when I felt like pushing him down the stairs, but I thought about no contact and everything I learned here and refrained.
That’s my girl! Good job controlling your actions, K! What a difference that pause, those three breaths make in allowing your thoughts to catch up with your feelings. That your restraint was strengthened by HG’s teachings, is proof that our cognition doesn’t have to be toppled by our emotion (anymore). I’m proud of you. *yay!*
Hello Merripen
That Bastard came to our daughter’s Open House tonight. My piss was boiling but I held it together and completely ignored him, even though I wished him dead.
Hi K……..Thankfully I don’t have to cope with what you are going through……I don’t think I could do it…….not without my mask slipping right off in any event!!!!!! I would have to wear 10 of them just to get me through an hour…..I try and imagine what it would be like for me if I were faced with a similar set of circumstances…….but my mind can not go there……every thing goes black and I really can not even remotely imagine it…….I don’t really know who I am more afraid of, him or myself……hopefully I will never find out…….Diva
That’s twice in as many days that you uh, held your water! That ignore must have had him braising in his own juices. Perfect.
Living vicariously thru your ignore.
Diva
When I saw him in the parking lot, I wanted to put my car in reverse and smash into him, but I got my shit together, real quick, and went into the school and pretended he wasn’t there at all. He made eye contact and waved, but I completely ignored him and he must have left, because I spoke to the teacher this morning and she told me he never came to her classroom. WTF! I hope you never have to find out either. K
My midrange ex drove an hour to get to my house then didn’t knock and left my jacket (that I didn’t even realize he had). I was home and it was about 8 pm at night. After he left he texted me saying he had left the jacket and he hopes I am doing well. This happened two months after he disengaged with me. Nothing else (that I know of) has happened for the last 4 months. The night he hoovered was the one year anniversary of him saying I love you the first time.
Typographical error. Phone spell check is hard at work again and I cannot even edit my post.
I actually hoovered one of the narcs 2 months ago. I emailed him photos from an archery event we both attended with a message that the photos along with everything reminding me of him will be deleted but wanted him to have a copy before doing so. All of the photos were of him and one of me – wink. Of course I never delete anything unless it is accidental, useless or a copy! A week later, on a Saturday night, after sending the photos he called me full of excitement wanting to talk.I knew he would. I cut him off swiftly pretending incredulity and anger that he would call at such inopportune time when I was with my new boyfriend. He apologized profusely and promised to never contact me again.
This is the same guy who told me about narcissism which eventually sparked my curiosity to find out more on this subject. And here I am. Last time I met him I told him that I knew he was a narcissist, and he was very relaxed discussing the matter and then stated that that is precisely why you and I will never work out. Too alike. Then proceeded to tell me his plans for dating other women. Oh yeah? I said. Have you seen my gorgeous neighbour, pointing him out. Perfect timing. He was wearing his shorts only, washing his car across the road? The narc’s discomfort was palpable.
My neighbor is another story for another time! When I open my front glass door I see his reflection. He always stairs at me. He has not caught on. May never will. Haha~
DIVORCE should be a category…..
Al of the choices apply and have been used, until I went seven months after maintaining N/C, I was served Divorce Summons…. his demands unreasonable (13 yr entanglement, 8 yrs married)…. never the less, Hoover Time. I still am N/C and have attorney to address him through his attorney. Of course, everything is HIS, he claims, its all my fault. Word salad, perjury, all of it in his claim. My funds being very limited, as they were all taken from me prior to this, i can only afford to be legally represented to a certain point. He knows this, and will pound away till I am destitute and “homeless”… I believe this is a Malign Hoover? I am 12 years older than him, my third marriage, all to Narcs. I have been sucked dry, but maintain my sense of pride. NO ONE can take that from me….
Correct.
My daughter rang him from my phone 2 weeks ago. I noticed I had a missed call from him afterwards so sent a text askin him what he wants, said it was a mistake. He unblocked me from fb but hid all his fb so I couldn’t see anything. I then blocked him. He said at mediation that he wanted to see if I had wrote anything about him then went on to say he’s having fun with new supply. I don’t know if any of them are hoovers. I want the hoover where he wants me back then I can kick him where it hurts. It’s been almost 7 months since he left
He also never answers any text I send him even though it’s about his daughter
I have gone three and 1/2 months no contact, no Hoover. This week I got three “private number” calls with tapping sound messages(very short like Morse Code).It could not be anyone, but my Ex-GN-Jason Bourne/John Wick wanna Be. I looked up Morse Code Translations an found A App. I punched in “Butt-Fucker” in The code and down loaded in my messages an would like to send back to him. I wonder how long it would take him to trsnslate it…
Ha Ha. I have not down it yet, HG. You say it only gives him fuel. I understand this. Yet, I am to the point that it would be nice to get a jab.
Text message: He used to constantly. I wouldn’t respond unless it was regarding our daughter in a specific, important manner. I only give short answers.
Telephone: He used to have my daughter call, after I had a fit about not getting to speak with her on the week she is with him. I soon discovered that he was hovering over her in the background. He denies calls now, so I don’t mess with him.
Physical interaction: He used to try these things. I will no longer speak or have anything to do with him. At times, I have to have police escort with me, since he twists everything. When you aren’t doing anything, that is when you get blamed for something and nobody notices…because you aren’t doing anything.
Social media: The last time this happened, he unblocked me on Facebook. He tagged me in a post, so I blocked him. I have control of that now!
Passively: He used to post things about blended families, being cordial, etc. I ended up reporting his posts, because he started harassing me through them and used my name. Blocked at that time. I wanted the evidence for court, not that it mattered.
By proxy: He had his current wife put a protective order on me, after I had to file one on him. He had a girl try to talk to me to get information out of me. I only told truth. He uses our daughter to go on and on. I just correct my daughter’s behavior and enjoy her when she’s with me. I don’t respond to him or things said about him, unless it is abuse. I get the counselor to talk to her then. Numerous family members and girlfriends he was cheating on his new wife with would message.
Reverse Hoover: He won’t give me my birth certificate and shot records. I’m having to use the court system, since he was filed in contempt anyway for failure to pay financial order. He did this in many ways that I ignored.
Damage to property/theft: I would see my things on Facebook that he had given to his friends. My daughter would tell me about things he sold. When I lived with him, he would break things of mine.
Gifts: He always used gifts to hoover me in when I lived there, and they were quite expensive.
The Spectre: This is his favorite maneuver. He will drive by the street where I pull into my house and slow down. He will sit places where I am and watch as I walk out, using our daughter as a reason. He flipped me off going down the road one day, which I thought was funny and never said anything. He would try anything to let me know he was still there and try to show he was still in control and could watch me. He is very careful about how he does this, so that he won’t get caught for stalking. Yes, I record everything and have cameras, since he accuses me of all of these things. I don’t want to see his ass, so I avoid him! He would just stand over me at times, at the house or follow me around. Now, I just pretend he isn’t pretending to be sitting, waiting on his step-daughter, while he’s watching me get our daughter on my week. (They go to the same school of course.) In trial, he tried everything to get my attention. I only looked at the judge, my feet, or my attorney. This is the way he continues to attempt hoover today. He will even have a friend call him to tell him where I am , so he can pull out behind me when I leave. This happened after leaving an eye doctor’s office, where the employees are friends with him and his wife. I no longer go there. He also uses his wife to hoover. She doesn’t understand that in a way, I feel sorry for her. She is the one suckered in now. I just continue about my business and try not to let these things bother me. If it is for my daughter and my own safety, then I will take care of it in other ways, such as police escort!
Right now, he is using the court system. It has been going on almost 4 years. Will he ever stop using the court? I swear he could get away with murder by talking people in circles and charming them into his lies…and his money. Sick.
KMR: your last paragraph…. my final frontier as well…
If you’re like me, you truly want them to disappear… Move across the world, anything, but let me be. He’s gotten away with every type of abuse there is, but it’s so well hidden that no one believes me except his family. They won’t admit that now, of course. So we try to cope with what we have left to work with. It’s still a lot just to keep yourself safe from him or his kind. I’ve dated several narcissists afterwards. I almost immediately recognized it. None were the Greater, but my ex husband is… So I took a long break from dating! It helped!
I am asexual and have no need or want to “date”. I would like a companion to share activities with, that we both enjoy. It is challenging to find, because it seems like sex is always on the agenda….I have been with no one, other than “him” for past 13 years of my life….
C⭐️
I’m not asexual, but I’m only attracted to narcs. As scarred as I am from sex with my exhusband I’d never trust another narc. It’d just b a matter of time till they triggered a memory and I’d just pull out a handgun and blow their heads off. So it’s celibacy 15 years and counting for me.
i approve of your gun reference….
I received a message telling me to not contact him again (in capitals). Then received a few FB friend requests from men I didn’t know, I presumed they are his people. Then two really weird attempts at seduction by mutual friends, (dismal, pitiful). I’m still bumping into his informants a year after being disengaged 🙄
The Somatic Narcissist keeps Hoovering me via of email, even though he’s now married (I cannot block the emails on my IPAD).
The Victim Narcissist Hoovered me many times over through his Enabler. Even after months would go by, she’d Hoover me, again. I was shocked at the Narcissist’s cowardice at having to go through his Enabler, and not doing it himself.
At least the Somatic Narcissist has the guts to not get someone else to do it for him. If he wasn’t married, I might have rewarded him for his courage. It would have been lovely.
No hoover at all and it’s been 3 months (unfortunately feels like a lifetime). I blocked him via phone but not email (don’t know how to do that) and he’s never been the one to initiate coming back to me in all the millions of our breaks ups in our 6 year relationship. I’ve always initiated that step although he’s always responded positively in the past. I haven’t contacted him at all in these past 3+ months. I know he’s actively dating. I feel kind of sad that he’s not hoovered but yet kind of safe that way too. Your thoughts, HG?
He is distracted. For now.
I lucked out for awhile I guess…She discarded me a year ago this Friday, and tortured me for many months after leaving me to become a prostitute.The nastiness stopped in May when I was about to file an Order Of Protection and my lawyer was preparing a suit to fight the slanderous tirades on her Facebook Page, but they stopped when the N was let go from the brothel she left me for….yes…you can read my former posts…As HG so kindly says “I’m somewhat famous” and I’m in the middle of a Grammy voting campaign (which is very public since i have a CD on the radio) and a week ago, I missed an early morning call from LA (where some of the people I work with are). I immediately called the number and said “Hi, this is Bobby, who’s this?” and I hear “This is “N” I’ve been doing some soul searching and I want to apologize” I said “Hello N, I’m bringing my car to the shop, I’ll call you later” She said” I’m in Alabama and driving to NY and I want to talk” I never called back…Keeping with my NC for 8 months. I’m assuming she discarded the guy she was living with in Florida. Last night I get a text from the guy saying his lawyer is preparing a slander suit against me for saying things publicly about him….I never said a word publicly about the N or him, so I’m wondering if either a) she put something on the web saying she was me (she has used her minions before to do that) and he saw it, b) he’s an idiot or c) she used his phone to send the text and is trying to get me to respond or triangulate me and him…She,he and all associated numbers and emails are blocked and my FB posts go to friends only….Ahhhh what fun we Super Empaths have…
I chose “gifts ” and I’ve received over 70 emails plus some attempted Skype calls. It’s been a year.
I had a malign hoover – he came to my work — told me he was with another woman , was sleeping with her , liked her a lot , he wanted nothing to do with me . He also said he missed me but “needed ” someone in his life ! He wouldnt cheat on her / not that hed cheated on me ? He couldnt be with me as i knew too much , found out too much . A statfa hoover i think HG ?
Agreed.
What is statfa hoover?
Stay the fuck away.
After 22 years I was discarded for NS 7 months ago. He moved in with her straight away & does not hoover, doesn’t even contact about his children. I saw him in court 2 weeks ago & I looked damn fine. Expected that to send him into some type of rage, but nothing. He does use NS as flying monkey tho. He has her publicly posting all their wonderful happy photos on social media. He takes her everywhere he took me. I believe it’s done deliberately for me to see, so maybe that is his version of a malignant hoover. What kills me is she is such a homely little hobbit. No idea why he left me for that, other than she makes more money than I do.
SEE: “Have You Seen Who He’s With”…. it answered some questions I had similar to yours….
Loved your comment “I looked damn fine”! Good for you!!! He doesn’t care if his new broom looks like a homely little hobbit. A broom is a broom. It gets the fuel job done. It has absolutely nothing to do with us.
No hoover for me as well since 4 months. i blocked him, his family and all his friends everywhere since almost immediately. met one of his friends (one of the coterie) three weeks ago, while i was at a dinner with a man, and got no reaction. the only thing i know is that he is very active on Instagram trying to gain followers, spending the whole day adding people and then eliminating them…
Early days yet Conby. Maintain your vigilance and you don’t need to know what he is doing on Instagram.
you’re right HG, as usual: i don’t need to know 😉
Indeed I am. It will assist you if you apply that you do not need to know.
Hmm…I’m not sure whether it is a hoover or not, but it always the phone calls (1-2 times per year or two). It always seems (I mean my Patrinarc and my first husband), as if they want to spill the guts, but they have no one to talk with at the moment, so they call me.
They always talk about themselves, how they are doing, what good or bad is going on in their lives, share their observations about life… I never ignore their calls and always listen to what they want to say. No aggression. No offense. Just simple conversation of people who had something common in the past.
If they stop to call me, I won’t notice it. I’m indifferent toward them, it is no chance to resurrect the relationship in any form and they KNOW it, but, anyway, they continue to call me from time to time.
Is it a hoover? If yes, what is its goal? Fuel? Why, I’m not the most pleasant person to talk with.
Yes those are hoovers. The goal is fuel and knowing you allow the call to take place.
Hmm… it is a dubious “pleasure” to talk with me. If I was them, I would find someone more pleasant to talk with. Lol.
But anyway, if they like it, welcome then. I don’t mind.
Refusing to give the keys to my apartment back, refusing even to acknowledge that the only reason I did write to him was because of those keys, instead he called me dramatic and found his ever increasing opportunities to engage in all the blameshifting he possibly could. Without of course ever giving me my keys back. I had to change locks and block him everywhere.
Three malignant hoovers narcissistic women seem to enjoy doing are spraying chemicals at strategic places to ruin the victim’s health, ordering goods on the internet to be sent to the target’s address (they are not presents, the target has to pay for them) and hiring a contractor on the victim’s behalf to do his job too early in the morning when the victim is still in bed (5.30 am). The last two hoovers are aimed at ruining the victim’s finances and credit score.
I had an initial grand hoover right after his new source had moved in with him. His car parked outside of my home at night and he let me know he was there and sent “I love you” about a hundred times via sms. I rejected him (didn`t know what he was at that time) and told him I would not help to stabilize his new relationship. Didn`t say much more. He had planned a triangle that would have suited him well but I didn`t play the game. Then he hoovered me after 15 years. Showed up at my bus stop in his car and asked if he could take me to work. Played the pity and victim game (broken hero – terribly misunderstood) which let me untouched in general and I still had no idea what he was at that point. I told him full of joy that I would travel to India with my new love interest (because I thought he would like to hear how well I was and how happy, so he could be happy for me). But I just got this (famous) empty stare. When I found H.G. I blocked him on every channel available right away. Even as a Narc he is a loser.
He’s married, our relationship (off and on) since June 2016. I always escape only to be hoovered (always at the one month timeline) hes a greater who plays on my empathetic nature (contacts via text phone message) so I hear his voice.
Last Hoover was flowers sent to work.
And I broke no contact to say, “thank you” you know the rest of the story!!!!
Hi sparks. I tell you this. I have the same story and it took me 5years to realize I was wasting my time as I told him many times to get lost but he normally would leave me alone for a couple of weeks and then howevered me back like leaving flowers on my car wind screen, or at the back door flowers wine and chocs, chasing me, spying on me and I always felt for that as was hoping that this time it all might be different. WRONG! I have wasted my precious time, damaged my self as I start smoking, depression, lost friends, damaged my relationship with my daughter. It’s been 6 years since I told him to chose and he chose her. Guess what? He still sending me flowers on my birthday and of course on my birthday I am tipsy as having a drink or two with my friends and family and in good spirit and he knows that and of course I sending him text with thank you and my emotional roolecasrer starts all over again. I used to back to square one but this year in April (my birthday) was even worse as I see now for who he is in real and its 10 time worse! Now I have Blooked him totally. It helps. I am not in a position to give you an advise as I’m strangling my self to get free but don’t be nice to him, keep no contact. Ignore him! That’s only my little advise. I wish I could meet HG sooner!
My ex narc and I separated 2.5 years ago and have four young children together. He had a one year relationship with another women during our seperation but would show up at my house saying he needed to use the bathroom, continually try to sleep with me and constantly send texts asking me out on dates. Etc etc. since him and his fling have broken up he has been hoovering even worse and is using the kids to manipulate me into being with him. I feel over my head with this situation and feel like I am plummeting down the rabbit hole and into the depths of hell
I’ve never really thought about hoovers,since none of mine ever cut me off. Family members usually hoover by proxy using another family member. My mother used to call me on the phone when I’d cut her off in addition to crying to family members to talk to me about my responsibility to her. My exhusband lived in my house on my property for years after I left him, so I had to interact often with him about that. One friend will just show up out of the blue. My Moron in Munich will occasionally send a meaningless text, to see if I respond. If I want to talk to any of my narcs I will reverse hoover. They always respond immediately and favorably.
None of it is really memorable.
Guess on further reflection phone is most common. They all do call/text me in my phone.
You are the only person I’ve seen on here that was surrounded too. My older sister, her son and my ex-boyfriend. Only benign hovering on Facebook is all I’ve experienced. All 3 of them are so angry with me because they can’t manipulate me anymore. So they don’t bother with me cause they can’t get any fuel from me. My ex-boyfriend is so angry and he also pushes my buttons in a way no one else ever could. Didn’t realize they were all Narcs, until I went to the Internet and researched. And found this site. Everything falls into place now.
Diane
I didn’t recognize a lot of my midrangers until I got here too. I thought all narcs were the overt, obviously confident type. Spotting all the secretive ones, who actually think they’re good people, for what they really are has helped me tremendously. It is rough, though, to realize you have so much family that are narcs and therefore never loved you at all. We instinctively expect our birth family to love us. Consequently I have a harder time accepting the narcs I was born with, than the ones I chose. At least the ones I chose have a reason for wanting to be in my life. I have no problem in giving positive fuel to anyone who is pleasant and enjoyable company.
I was the IPSS his Mom is the Primary. I escaped him (thanks to you HG) Have not heard from him directly (it’s been 9 months) however I suspect he was responsible for some property damage/theft. I will say that in the end when we were fighting and I was getting the silent treatment, he was playing and posting all of our love songs-it almost worked! Funny, I do recall him saying (during our fight) that he was “fading away here” Interesting choice of words now that I know what he was.
It’s been a year and a half, and stil, I have not been hoovered.
Texts…(in spam)
By Phone..though in block etc…
Attempts In person.
Gifts left in my absent responses.
Email.
Via friend fishing for info…(proxy)
Drivebys.
Parking up.
Some still ongoing after 13 months of ending it.
I dare say that different tactics will be ongoing.
Also ongoing is the growing zero impact upon me which includes the decreasing interest in narc city in general. Such a tunnel to a tiny place of nothing.
Big world we live in…best to get back into that instead. Since desolation and misery is so boring in the end it is worth mentioning that the default reset setting kicks in eventually. Back to the big world that has more in it than narcs.
Not The End.
Run to life and live live live.
By proxy and in person.
All benign.
In person interactions were by chance in social situations.
After a three day (lol) no contact, mine showed up at my office and started crying. She did offer me a 30 second kernel of truth when she exclaimed that she was “a very insecure little girl inside with some really f_ck_d up issues”. I gray stoned her when she wanted a hug and showed her the door. Then, the text bombs started coming, she was right, left, up, down, inside out, emotionally all over the map. It reminded me of the movie Terminator when the robot fell into the molten steel and all the personalities came out. She started sending me pics of me/us one by one as she deleted then, about 30 of them, “Poof — you’re gone”. she even showed me distant pics of her “Military Viking Dave”. She was in the Air Force and served in the first Iraq War where she said she in a cadre of people who answered to General Schwarzkopf regarding terrorism, and that she was also currently serving as an operative in some Black Ops branch and that was causing her confusion and grief about keeping secrets from me. There where so many more, I deleted them as they came in and somehow wish I saved them because no one would believe the things she was saying. I did make the mistake of reconnecting but the relationship was much different. I knew that all she wanted to do is have the last emotional stab. After a week 3 weeks I started to distance myself and slow down on the communications. Soon she had posted her activities on FaceBook with such false exuberance it was juvenile at best. It was embarrassing to witness by any standards. Since then, she has been blocked and there has been no attempt to hoover, as of yet.
Hovered via letters, unread by me as they were redirected to a different mailing address awaiting me to read.
He used his own hand, decided it was his time to depart this World and left Earth.
After he left I got about 3 weeks of mean and nasty comments that were random in timing, since then things have calmed down and he’ll still take the opportunity to jab if I open the door. There is a baby due in December. I wish I could make sense and understand what he wants and I’m fearful when too many days pass that I won’t ever hear anything again good or bad.
I’m not actually entirely too sure I have been hoovered. I did receive a phone call a few weeks back from a mutual friend/his business partner of sorts seeking information about their former place of business, but I don’t know that narc was in on it. He still checks my social media. Hmmm…well he does still contact my husband from time to time to ask for things, but never me. I don’t know…
I should clarify, I was an IPSS of sorts (close intimate friends). He and my husband have a shared interest/hobby, so their relationship was more of a closer acquaintanceship.
You’re in a tough spot, PR. He can hoover through your husband and not have to lift a finger. HG, wouldn’t that be hoover by proxy?
Correct.
Thank you. I was just talking to my husband about it last night saying I wonder if narc is reaching out to him as a hoover to me. It’s almost like he’s taunting me saying “I’m still here and look, I’m still a great guy.” But of course he won’t actually contact me.
Geezus! This one is totally up my alley! Hoovers? Hoovers?? I think Ive had nearly all of them. The silent stalking is horrific. Staying silent while just watch and intimidating from not so far away. The smashed windscreen, graffitti at my work place, suicide threats by proxy. I didnt go to his side. Just rang Mental Health and sent them along. Hand written mail, with everything from I love you’ to I hate you’. Message bombardment with wedding photos. In person he tries to talk to me. Then comes the rage when I dont engage.
Friend request from FB. He wasnt even clever enough to make a fake one! I have hundreds of blocks now with people with the same name as him. Oh so many hoovers…..
Is it over? Thought it was but……….nope.
What part of ‘no’ does he not get? Thanks HG.
All of them!
I No Hoover. Since he left me, I don’t exist.
How long ago did he leave Sara Parker?
from May. since then silence treatment.
he is embedded in my cells.
😪
Still early SP. Build those defences.
One of his hoovers was to return a gift I’d given him. Left it very dramatically at my desk at work. I regifited it to the girl in the cube next door. She was none the wiser.
Pretty boring really .. I went out socially for the first time in years, it got wind of it & called a friend because I’d blocked it from everything . ..
My friend saw it’s name on her mobile & ignored the call.. I can just imagine it’s reaction ..queue * evil grin ” …
NNS. 1- Narc. 0 . 🙂
Hi Not So Sad. After my discard, he continued to call me for days and weeks. I did not respond. Also, noticed phone numbers with the same area code as his, never answered the call. No messages were left on my phone. Next door neighbor said she saw him parked outside of my home three times. Never contacted him to inquire why and just left it at that. Yard ornaments missing from my lawn, yield sign in front of my home dressed in christmas decreations before the holidays and no phone call or text to him to inquire about the matter. Soon after he discarded me, i returned home from work my front door was wide open and $60 dollars was laying on my recliner. My dogs were at the groomer that day and immediately i had the door locks changed to my home. Ignored his invasion of my privacy and improper breaking and entering into my home. He friended me on Facebook, i declined the request. He also sent me a secret message which i never responded to. One morning, i noticed white film on the windows and down my drivers side car door, what could that possibly be, hummm…Sperm? It has been almost 5 years since i have seen or talked to him. I still have the since he continues to hoover and spy on me or has a friend or two drive by my house. He never had the chance for a second discard. My relationship with him was not at the point to verbal or physical abuse, but it was moving in that direction. At the time we were together for six months, i had a full and part time job on the weekends. I arrived home and he was yelling and screaming at me for no reason, making up excuses to argue. At one point, he stood face to face with me. Trying to scare and manuplate me. I did not argue with him and told him to go back to bed. He left and soon after he returned to the living room and again tried to argue which did not work. Five minutes later he returned and appolgized. Prior to this incident, i began to notice snid and mean remarks out of the clear blue during just general conversation. I said nothing and ignored them. At one point during the middle part of our relationship, he proposed marriage. After a couple of months of feeling destroyed and devistated, i finally realized he was a Narcissists and Sociopath. I thank God for his protection, guidance, and insight during the aftermath of the breakup. He never had a chance for a second discard. He thought he dumped me, but in all actuality i dumped him.
I honestly don’t think I will be Hoovered as things are so volatile and he’s with someone else too. He constantly tells me to stop contacting him even though he does answer every call and text.
He said I’m the only person who knows how to push his buttons for him to rage and he doesn’t want it anymore.
Him contacting you to tell him to stop contacting him – those are malign hoovers. You are already being hoovered.
HG
From all the things on the pol, I have done all those things to get his attention over the last 4 months. I stopped a month ago. Sometimes he makes me feel like I am the narcissist.
2 nights ago he said he was going to kill himself because I made him feel depressed. I spent the entire night looking for him and got the police to find him. He played wolf saying he only said it as all the fights were getting too much! And he never apologised! He then told me that he tried having sex with his girlfriend but couldn’t get it up! And said I was causing all the stress. Do I feel bad? No! Why tell me this!!
I am still trying to shorten my email to You as it’s nuts.
Autumn
Well just make sure it is the mutt’s nuts, Autumn.
*lol* my exnarc also used to tell me 50 times in a row lots of times that he doesn’t want to stay in contact with me. 😉
But he hasn’t been in contact for over a year now.
Yes!! 40 times in a row telling me he wants nothing to do with me and to stop contacting him but all 40 times he slotted in, “I will be in touch soon” or ” “let me know when..”. What nutters! I have implemented no contact as best I can at the moment but I sense a hoover coming my way this week after over a month of silence. If it comes true then I will know for sure that I’m psychic when it comes to narcs (or more realistically it’s just that they are all the same and predictable, lol!)
The narc I have used my votes for was of the category of “old school” greater narc….he preferred hoovering via hand written letters, phone calls. gifts and presenting himself in person showing crocodile tears, as opposed to texts or social media……although I should point out he never actually signed those letters!!!! Diva
Hi Diva. The tHiNg signed every last one. Idiot yes? He is old school as well. The judge saw them all!
It’s been 5 months since we broke up. Now he wants to go to Dtr Hawkins. Yet he has a 30 year younger girlfriend who he’s in a relationship with
30 years younger? Ick. My current ex is 18 years older and, let me tell you, it is not pretty. She’ll be history once he needs his diaper changed.
Hello Susan!
I read your post some days ago ( I could not exactly find where ).It resonated a lot with part of my story with my ex narc.Story I want to share with you. I hope it helps you in reinforcing your decision . This is just an example of how dangerous and harmful it might be attending couple therapies with “professionals” that do not have enough knowledge about NPD.
First of all I want to congratulate you for deciding not to continue attending couple therapy with your ex narcissist.
Short story: I was an IPPS ( formal partner) of a Greater (?)for 6 years which I left( escaped) for 22 months ago and no contact since then.
We attended 5 different therapists along the way. The first one after one year of being together. I will just write shortly the outcome of our couple therapies ( one every year)
1. First therapist:
He saw through him and warned me to leave him since he had strong psychopathic traits. Unfortunately I did not listen to him but he ( the therapist) left many unanswered questions of why/how they functioned. He “just” had the clinical explanation but it did not help me.
I will jump to the:
5. Fifth therapy: last one. Good therapist.She saw through him : narcissist with sociopathic traits..Recommended me to leave him and told me that if some change will occur it would be by him attending individual therapy for many years.And that there was no warranty for a successful outcome. That is when I decided not to attend any more therapies.She left as well many unanswered questions about NPD. Answers that I found here on this site.
What it is interesting to note is that the second,third and fourth therapists we attended to were more damaging to me. They had no knowledge about NPD…being the result of attending these therapies: insinuations that I was the problem ( he insinuated many things from borderline,trust problems even PMS / his last resource!) to shift the blame to me. Through these therapies he could get as well more information about me that helped him to manipulate me even better through gas-lighting and intimidation. He got more effective for doing it. Extremely dangerous !
You are right, if this happens to a woman/man that believes what they are saying it would be devastating.
What I found interesting about what you shared was that he ( your ex) agreed to go to therapy JUST if YOU could also take care of your issues. That sounds to me like a cheap excuse to drag you into it again without accepting that it is HIS problem not yours.
Believe me, if you have not had any indications before being with him about you being a borderline…you are not a borderline . It is the narcissist himself with their shifts from “hot” to “cold” that trains you to react like that.
I really hope that you are still firm with your decision of NOT ATTENDING therapy with you ex and gaining knowledge here instead.