Let’s Hear From You!
One of my readers asked me if I had noticed whether there was any particular moment amongst my readers that made them have an “aha!” moment where matters clicked into place.
It is a valuable question. So, rather than me answer it, I am going to let you.
Of all of the work I have produced, whether in article, book, YouTube video, Instagram meme or in consultation, what did you find that made you realise something for the first time? What caused something to click into place and grant you enlightenment? It may have been a major moment, a significant breakthrough or a side issue which suddenly made sense as a consequence of what you have learned from me. Do explain, in doing so, you may aid other readers to focus on that article or book so they have the same breakthrough that you did.
133 thoughts on “Let’s Hear From You!”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I discovered the blog less than an year ago after a breakup. I started reading but I didn’t comment. The pain slowly went away – the summer arrived in the Southern Hemisphere and the weekends spent at my usual summer habitat , the beaches surrounding Sydney made me feel good. At the end of the summer ( exactly like in Calvin Harris ‘s song Summer) I met Narc 2 . And the red flag were spotted and I re discovered the blog again.
I was hooked, I become an addict – I learned a lot and I am still learning .
In summary – it is a blessing to communicate with the person named HG Tudor via this blog . The blog itself is a gem – the only useful learning resource about narcissism.
I am astonished of HG’s writing talent – from serious articles to witty dark tales , from masterpieces from the Theatre of the absurd like to poetry.
And I highly value the courage and the strength when HG shares all painful moments from his childhood and adolescence. The brutal honesty about his real self , the well educated, well spoken man ( when I listen to your You Tube channel, HG I am delighted by your posh accent, such a rarity in Australia to hear pure British English, not Stralyan ), perhaps a high achiever ( given the fact we don’t know him personally, thus the assumption) who calls himself a cold narcissist.
And here is the paradox – this cold blooded, dark hearted ( I have some doubts about ) helped to restore my inner piece after failed marriage like nobody else. This blog was the place when not only realised whom I have been married to , but a place for my catharsis. The only place when I am able to open completely and being understood and advised without judgement or false pity or fake positivity.
Thank you Master for being there for all of us !
I am going to continue with some more details in another post about the books – what I learned.
You are welcome and thank you for your kind comments about my work, I am continuing to read with interest.
The Devastation of the Illusion
It is a short and succinct article that outlines the manipulations as well as the impending doom awaiting if one does not break away from the desire to be with this illusion once again. A great introduction to HGs work and the unique perspective he provides.
Sitting Target taught me invaluable lessons about the way a Narcissist scans for victims and why I had only experienced certain types of narcissists and less so the others.
Revenge remains my favourite so far. Gaining knowledge about the pillars upholding the Narcissist was beyond satisfying and has empowered and benefitted me greatly.
For me it were the videos The Errors of the Ignorant part 4 and In love with a married man. After not understanding why an how everything ended so suddenly……here was my “AHA” moment.
A moment of enlightenment was when I read To Control is to Cope.
I was able to understand the narcissist’s obsession to overcontrol their environment and those around them in the *now* (not later), *always* (not sometimes, not most of the time), their need to win *each and every interaction* (not some of them, not most of them).
I understand their strong need to avoid feeling powerless, weak or vulnerable at all costs. They misread and misjudge us and we misread them too. They can easily feel threatened by other people.
I understand narcissism as a defence mechanism. Their abusive behaviour is a way of protecting themselves.
(I am not implying I agree with their abusive behaviour)
For me it was the fact that your as a matter of fact approach to taking responsibility and allowing me to see the narcissistic point of view and how different it was to me and how I would think and act
So many different scenarios that I could relate to made me see it wasn’t me doing anything wrong and that it was Perceived slights from the narcissists
everything I have read has given me a little bit more insight and I don’t ask myself what I am doing wrong anymore
Also understanding how the narcissist feels has made it easier to forgive them because it is mostly instinct so I don’t take it so personally this has been a healing journey for me.
I have heard some of it before but was always in the third person so to me was an opinion but coming from you in the first person it was more believable
I found your work late 2015/early 2016.
Sitting Target (book) is hands down the most compelling and authentic of your work that separates from other authors of Narcissism.
After knowing what Narcissism was, that book linked an understanding of why I was targeted, and by whom, and why other types of narcissist won’t even interact with me.
Save The Children (blog) was the most useful. It’s short and simple, but covers a lot. Whenever I get in a high conflict situation coparenting with the narcissist, I will revert back to that blog and see if I am in alignment with what you recommend. Most often if there is something going wrong, there is always somewhere I could have done better to cut back on the drama.
Why Does He Blow Hot and Cold Part One and Two (blog).
This one used to give me insite because I was very confused about narcissistic behavior in the beginning. I had the gut feeling, and an intuitive understanding, but reading about what was going on in my life by someone in a matter of fact and detailed manner, helped me piece together what was happening so I could better assist.
The Emotional Battle Part 1, 2, 3 (blogs)
These are a must read for any Empath who feels stuck or defeated. It helps me to see how far I have come from my first emotional battle, yet, how I will always be at war.
Wow, where to start! I came upon this work 8 months post escape from the narc I had been in love with for almost 5 years; had left twice, been hoovered twice, and third time was it. I was emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted. I had also been sandwiched between two of them. My ex husband and father of my son had been in typical narc fashion with different presentation abusing me for 12 years. It was HG’s many works that made me realize he too was a narc and that they can present differently. I knew narc 2 was a sociopath and the way he drew me in and kept me was more calculated and suited to my personality-it was less inflammatory but more harmful. The realization of the different schools made everything click into place and as horribly painful as it was, I had the final piece and had to admit to myself that my narc coparent did not actually love his son; all the rest of the trauma bubbled up. Since then the co-parent package has empowered me to establish the boundaries to be able to recover. More horrifying information has surfaced about narc 2 and I am now 9 months free. Both I have come to realize are psychopaths. One even below in my eyes, a narcissist for what has been disclosed. I have read so many articles and books, each spoken so eloquently the words not only of the internal experience of the empath but of the narcissist that I have finally felt understood. I am not one that hears white and fluffiness. It takes ripping the band aid off to stop the cycle. Thank you HG. Also your dedication to interacting with us quickly, succinctly, and all on your own is admirable and brilliant to say the least. Empaths become enthralled by and listen to Narcissist’s, at least you can help us get our heads on right if we listen.
Your book “Revenge” – because it explains the pillars. They’re etched in my brain . I click through them if I’m assessing someone’s behaviour.
Thank you, I trust you have left a review on Amazon with regard to that book.
I did, and I emailed you a pic of it July 19 with 3 others
EVERYTHING!!!
But just off the top of my head:
The Empaths and Cadres
The Sins of The Empath
Prayer for the Victim – absolutely tore my heart out and felt like you were looking right into my soul
Shell Shocked Silence – So haunting and brutally honest and terrifying because I’ve been in that state
The Fuel Matrixes
Consent – May have saved my life (and hopefully someone else’s) and at the very least gave me validation of what happened to me and the courage to come forward
The Big Little Lies Poll – that was such a valuable learning experience and so challenging because the characters were so relatable. I got most of the women right but was wrong about all the men except Perry and that’s only because he was such a monster, it was crystal clear. It made me realize how easily I fall for these men and tolerate so much of their shitty behaviour.
Now my eyes are even more open and I’ve been unpacking the hard truths about my relationship with my daughter’s dad and I am SO ANGRY! I have come to realize what I knew to be true deep down, it was never real love. He love bombed, triangulated, future faked, devalued and controlled me for 5 years and I will never get that back and he has basically forgot about my son and the role that he played in his life for the past 6 years. He is a chameleon with very little empathy (2 WEEKS after I was raped this year, he told me I need to get over it). Everyone thinks he’s this amazing guy and protector and it’s all a facade. He could care less. He brings out the worst in me. It’s a hard one for me to swallow.
I’m so grateful I found HG when I did so I can finally put a stop to this sick cycle. Once you know, you can’t unsee it. These are hard lessons to learn but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. THANK YOU HG. There are simply not enough ways for me to thank you.
You are welcome.
Twisted Heart
I’m glad you found your way here and had the courage to come forward. Support is nice, but standing up for yourself first is the most important action and affects all others. Remain standing for yourself and for your children. Proud of you.
Thank you Narc Angel. Sometimes I think to myself, what would NA do? Honestly, I am so inspired by you. Thank you for your kind words💕
Oh and the video “Is he a narcissist “
– the bit about the lion
“…because it’s a LION” 🦁
I will never forget that. Your voice saying it will forever be with me. 😂 it’s funny every time I think of it. And it makes it all so simple— all the yada yada yada the ET gives us— can’t stand up to “..because it’s a LION”
Yes, an important one to pay attention to.
Oh!
A huge “A-Haaaaa!” Came when I grasped Triangulation.
Like holeeeee shit. I never stood a chance. Narcoholic looooooved to triangulate. It was awful. I knew he was trying to trade me out -twice!- for his ex wife— but it wasn’t until I found your site and understood triangulation that I realized it wasn’t even about his ex – it wasnt about me – it was FUEL
HOOVER FUEL, at that. omg. Those was the most hurtful experiences – and then once I understood triangulation I also understood that it had been in evitable and it wasn’t personal and it became kind of funny after I was done being angry about it.
I think triangulation is one of the most hurtful things that you narcs do to us because it really destroys our sense of self worth .
At least for me and maybe that’s because I’m a Leo and pride is one of my traits but triangulation was always the most painful part for me .
So realizing what had been happening was a massive a-ha
Wheeeee *fangirling*
I read and reread your articles many times. I listened to And re-listened to your videos even MORE times. I bought and reread your books all at least twice. I’m talking hours every night.
It was a gradual chipping away of MY worldview – and being absorbed into- consumed by- YOURS. Others might even call it brainwashing.
Also similar to immersing oneself in a foreign country to learn the language.
Eventually at some point – and I don’t recall anything in particular although your videos in the last year especially have really been excellent – at some point I just GOT it – insofar as I just …I just could see from the narc’s selfish worldview. It was like I crossed over LOL.
Slightly traumatic as I’m aware I can see from a viewpoint that only a small percentage of non-narcs can. Of course, I’m an empath, so it won’t be exactly what you see. But…I get it. I can “try it on” for short moments even. But I’d never be able to dwell there- as you say it’s not my nature, it’s impossible. An impossibility.
I don’t “try it on” often -but intellectually I keep it now as a back-filter. It will never go away.
Like that movie where the guy put the glasses on and he can see which people are aliens. Except I’ll never be able to take these glasses off now. That’s ok.
I would say I am permanently jaded except I don’t feel bad at all. If anything I feel totally secure in my own being and have a much clearer understanding of the world, I don’t feel vulnerable, I don’t feel confused anymore . I feel like I’d rather know and be alone – like knowing this is comfort enough – it’s replaced whatever the narcs gave me. It’s BETTER. It’s made me- complete.
I know. I don’t get it either.
I “got” the facade first. That clicked. Don’t know why but that just came naturally to me I understood that it was pretty obvious. I hadn’t really understood that I was also seeing other narcs for side all I understood was that the abusers I knew had a façade for other people but not me. Treated other people nice but me like shit. So than the concept of a façade, all different types of upside, that I was looking at a façade with my MMR – that all came to light .
Then I next understood “fuel”, and the book “Fuel” helped with that quite a bit. “Emotional Attention “ is another good description- ppl understand that better than supply or Fuel (at first)
I had a good grasp but it wasn’t complete until your recent video about CONTROL that the trifecta clicked into place.
– It would be the most recent video released about control , ..
—it was about how the narc will Do/Say *WHATEVER is NEEDED to maintain control – and not Just in general , but **in that moment**
(Put together with being economic and doing the LEAST needed)
Fuel/facade/control are my checkpoints now- every interaction with every narc has always been to maintain one , two, or all of those three.
.
All that you say, HG.
BUT: Also the fact that you keep the blog and youtube videos and twitter rolling and rolling and rolling.
This really illustrates to our minds that the narcissist will not change. Very educating. You show us through action. The narc won’t stop. The tricks and multiple kinds of abuse keep going and going.
Because it’s one thing to read something and understand it intellectually, and another to really feel it dawn emotionally as well. That can take years.
Your last paragraph sums up the position neatly.
Negative fuel, being the best or worst, triangulation – yes how triangulation works is a very important thing I learnt from HG. I felt raging anger for all sorts of reasons until I realised I was being triangulated.
Exagérations.
One horror of discovery – the sex is a means of control. That is all it is.
Widowed suddenly after a wonderful 35 marriage, I started dating again a few years after. Of course, I hadn’t read “Why You Shouldn’t Date Online” but if I had, I would have saved myself a lot of stress. Not surprisingly, I ended up with a MMR somatic whose behavior I soon found bewildering. After being love-bombed, future-faked, and shelved, I discovered HG’s erudite treasure-trove of work. It is hard to say which articles and books resonated the most with me; they were all foundations of my education. “Red Flags,” “Black Hole,” “Sitting Target,” and “Escape” were probably most pertinent to me (okay, maybe the sex one too). I have received a great deal of clarity from the blog entries about crossing the “emotional sea” and the narcissistic perspective. However, my favorite books are the confession books. I enjoy the personal examples.
The wisdom contained in HG’s writings allowed me to GOSO with the MMR rather rapidly (after only a 3 month dance). However, for the next three years, I broke one commandment, a big one, by not totally blocking the the MMR’s texts. It was a very risky thing to do in almost all cases, but it was just so darn fascinating to witness his predictable, anemic hoover attempts. About every 3 months, I could count on the MMR laboratory rat to launch a benign hoover. The fact that these occurred approximately equidistant to the length of our entanglement was not lost on me either. I believe he follows an oft-repeated time pattern with his victims. Soon, I felt nothing towards him, he moved a thousand miles away, and I learned to embrace logic, so, when the hoovers came, it was remarkably easy to look down from my “balcony, issue a polite greeting, and no more.” I finally tired of the exercise and shut the last conduit down. No regrets.
My burgeoning awareness has helped me evade ensnarement by a couple of local narcissists. While I may not spot them all at first blush, I have my own toolbox now and I expect it will serve me well. i’m ever grateful to narcsite and HG for my crash course in this aspect of human behavior. Please keep writing.
I shall do so and thank you for sharing your experience.
So hard to chose !!! I will say our one on one consultations – most likely had 5 or 6 maybe more , at the most excruciating moment of my history with my Narc , knowing he was a Narc- I had other moments before but I was unaware.
You were so patient deciphering all the textes and educating me on what they were and what to expect next – just like if you had a crystal ball.
I think the most helpful teaching piece for me is the delusional thinking that I can manipulate the narcissist to do as I want . I remember when I was savouring victory over something he did the way I wanted to, you were warning me right if the next jab to come .
So yes I escaped- yes I came back and left and came back – but I no longer have the delusion that I can win or manipulate him, not even a minute .
I know the only win is to GOSO.
Now – I am getting a lot of residual benefits – but I am not entangled the same way – because I am shelved a lot personally – and I meet other men and I travel and enjoy life but we do have a professional relation that is lucrative for me.
So I can’t win … nor should I try to.
So HG , I said it many times , but heartfelt thank you.
You are welcome.
Dear Mr Tudor,
It was YOUR response to my comment (I think it was about hoovering) when YOU “confirmed” the weasel was a narcissist
It was like the “great master” had spoken and that was it!
I think I needed that confirmation to validate what he was and therefore I felt no guilt terminating the friendship particularly as he was a veteran and threatened injury to himself if I was to ever leave as he had no friends
Funny, he still lives on 🤣
Thank you…..best advice ever !
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
You are welcome Bubbles.
This one is an odd answer for me.
I think I always knew.
I did not know the word; Narcissist. But I could feel a very strong sense of “wolf in sheep’s clothing”.
Also, I was attracted to him. I suppose that is the giveaway.
Many handsome men can talk to me and I may as well be a-sexual. Zero. It doesn’t seem to matter how handsome they may be. It doesn’t break through, other than to recognise that, yes, they are handsome.
Maybe only once, in every 10 years or so, do I feel it. A combination I think, of sensing exteme intelligence, the hypnotic voice, the feeling of command in the air. It is soothing to me and I feel an equal sense of safety and fear and facination. It is difficult to explain. But I had a strong urge to please him. He felt like a “magnet” to me. Or a security blanket. Like I was home when ever he was near.
So the very fact that I was attracted to him at all, was my red flag.
Almost 3 years after I met him, I googled “why does my lover try to make me think I’m crazy?”.
Narcissist, says Google. But nothing perfectly fit.
Covert narcissist. Almost there. He is covert, but it’s still slightly off.
Then I read “How no contact feels to the Narcissist part III”.
There he is! That’s him! Although we never had that “exchange”, it radiated through my body and mind as I read every word, that my narcissist, was that dragon. It was as though he himself, had written that entry and that I could feel him sitting in the corner watching me, tapping his talons…”Clever girl Amanda”.
I could sense it, hear it, feel it and I knew it.
I just needed that article, because until then, I was severely handicapped. I was trying a finish an equation without a starting sum.
The narcissist WAS THIS dragon and I felt a sense of elation that I had finally found it and I experienced equal parts of fear, utter respect and, shamefully, arousal. A vibration was felt through my entire body and mind as I knew it was spot on.
HG, will deprogramming therapy help me?
Has anyone tried this?
No, I will help you.
Thank you HG !!!!!! I desperately need it. And I know it. Thank you!
I finally understood when I read something from HG about narcs wanting to be the best or the worst at something to get the limelight and attention. I had always thought narcs had to be the best. It made me realise why my narc had not cared when something terrible he accidentally did hit the press. He probably even created the accidental error to get the attention.
He also didn’t care when someone told all his peers about me (DLS) who we both worked with and who knew he had a partner who attended all social functions. I didn’t know about her at the time.
I was mortified when I knew they knew.
That’s why he got a buzz when I found out about his first gf. I sat him in front of me and lectured him. He twisted and squirmed in the chair but in a very odd way like he was lapping it up.
Now I know he was soaking up the negative fuel while my heart broke and while I searched for a way to continue the relationship and tried to forgive him.
One massive manipulation /triangulation for fuel.
It all started to make sense.
Al the emotion he created in me just to tap into fuel. How clever he thought he was. All designed to control. Just pushed my buttons.
All his sob stories and false illnesses and fake loneliness.
Attention and control.
All the same cover stories spewed out – easy to recycle the same excuse to conserve energy. – all things I learnt to spot – from reading and listening to HG.
It’s taken a very very long time to learn no contact and I’m still guilty of leaving a door open.
It also brought into perspective words of someone he’d known well when she realised I was ‘attached’.
She said – he will always hurt you.
I didn’t understand until he really really hurt me when I discovered lies and then how he would wallow in and sucked all my pain and hurt and sadness and confusion out of me, going over and over it to make it worse. HG helped me understand negative fuel.
I was a mess when I first found HG – I found him by chance googling something about ‘silent treatment’.
I was Broken I side at that time and emotionally fried.
I remember reading article after article – it was like drinking water when you’re dying of thirst.
I would read for days – drinking in everything HG wrote.
I felt excited because at last – the puzzle of three years worth of hell was beginning to make sense.
I knew – finally – what I’d been dealing with. I bought some of HG’s books and devoured those too.
The one on sex is an education in itself.
I live by the motto ‘when you know you go’ and i cleaned up his access to me so I’m uncontactable. Is that even a word? It is now.
I had no power with this person in my life. I was a puppet. More importantly- a pussy puppet to him.
The aha moment was also when I realised through HG that empathy was always a problem. The well was dry here. A lot of things made sense. When my mother died – he expressed nothing. The lies. The dark moods and double life. One thing with me – another with everyone else.
Hot. Cold. Yes. No. Anger like fury – scary and and unwarranted.
Everything I was dealing with – but didn’t understand- was solved right here,
And I got my power back. I’m grateful and so happy to have found HG.
Get out and stay out. If you keep going back – Reading here will give you the resolve you need to stop.
The second I found your site Googling ‘why won’t he answer my messages’ it all clicked into place and I broke through. I knew it all in some abstract way but I needed that confirmation and the details and to know how to handle things. Maybe this is not very helpful but I read a lot in a short span of time. Every single one of your posts fills a gap, as do your very helpful answers to questions, and then the other commenters fill in a lot of those gaps too. I would recommend that anyone who comes here stays for the party!
HG, what criteria would you use to identify a success story? Not struggling with NC anymore? Crossing the emotional sea? Sharp analysis of other people’s situations?
Getting Out and then Staying Out SMH.
And then being a firm advocate for my work.
I have gotten out and stayed out with the help of this site (though on occasion there is still some slippage, it is all kept neatly tucked away in my head). I would advocate for your work until the cows come home but I don’t know anyone as stupid as I was who needs it except MRN’s IPPS. Obviously I could not send her here and maybe she is not so stupid. At least she gets nice holidays and a roof over her head. I will write an Amazon review!
“the Super Empath uses these unleashed narcissistic traits for good. This means that they will fight back against our kind and remain in the relationship with us..” The Empathic Supernova
Que the waterworks and the complete destruction of the world as I once knew it. The most emotion I’ve ever felt at once.
The article “It’s Only the Wind” makes me blisteringly angry. I had trouble understanding negative fuel and this really helped me understand how my confusion, pain and even irritation was useful to him. I thought I had won since I rarely spoke up in irritation but I was still providing significant amounts of negative fuel. Dammit! I firmly believe I was repeatedly poisoned for almost two years. It’s gut wrenching to remember how I looked to him for help much like the victim in this article. “what’s wrong with me?” “Why did I get so sick?” “I only had 3 drinks….that’s never happened. I’m so sorry.” Insert fountain of fuel here.
Thank you Jessrny, I am finding it very interesting the differing perspectives my readers have and how certain articles have assisted them. Very interesting indeed.
The notion that my ex might be a narc came from a close friend, who sent me an column describing the end of a relationship with a narcissist, on the outset of my second escape attempt. I found it to be striking accurate to my experiences, but also I still loved him / did not implement no contact and as a result got hoovered back twice more in the year that followed, until ultimately a replacement was secured and I was disengaged from. That’s when I started digging around for other resources.
I’ve said it before in previous comments, but the most important thing I learned here is that the disengagement was not permanent, and that my replacement’s golden period was actually a kind of gift in that it allowed me time to prepare for his eventual return. But here are the essays that I have bookmarked / found to be particularly relevant or useful to my situation:
Jettison
The 5 Central Questions (various)
You Should
Why Won’t He Answer My Text Messages?
The Racing Mind
The Sense of Loss
In terms of non-essays, the “Why Does the Narcissist Downgrade?” and ESPECIALLY the “You Hurt – The Narcissist is Happy: What’s Going On?” videos were also quite helpful. I still pass the latter around to friends who need to see it tbh
My moment of clarity was the explanation and realization of where I fit into the Narcissist’s Fuel Matrix. I totally identified with the behavior experienced by an IPSS of the shelf variety. This described in detail by HG really helped with the confusion that came with this relationship. I later came to realize that I was the dirty little secret, when all along thinking I was a primary source. Knowledge is power for overcoming this abuse!
Following a traumatic physical experience with my ex in the beginning of 2017, I read a book called, “Psychopath Free”.. It explained the dynamic and impacts of having a relationship with a person with a Cluster B personality disorder (antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, histrionic).. This is when the term “No Contact” was first introduced to me.. Although I read the book and it resonated with me strongly, giving me plenty of ‘Aha’ moments, I still ended up deciding to engage with my ex after he came back for me towards the end of 2017.. However, our relationship dynamic SIGNIFICANTLY shifted and I couldn’t understand how to explain it, other than things were how they were due to us breaking up at the beginning of the year..
After having several (more than two) spats in a matter of maybe two and a half weeks, I was tired of the constant back and forth, hot and cold, good and bad antics.. I decided to look up “No Contact” and that is when I found Narcsite.com.. It was from here I decided my ex was more *narcissistic* than antisocial.. Up until then, I had been considering him a sociopath.. Although he still has traits of antisocial personality disorder, he is better considered a narcissist, based solely on all of the information on Narcsite.. The article “You’ve Changed” really expressed for me how I was feeling about how our relationship changed–how his personality changed.. “Bound” really resonated with me because it explained how the narcissist considers a source as eternal and my ex had just recently told me he knows he will never lose me because we are forever connected through our daughter.. “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery” explained through the perspective of the narcissist why he/she never lets anyone get close to them.. This was very enlightening, as I had said to my ex several times that it seemed I could only get but so close to him, emotionally.. In October of 2017, the Narcissistic Truth memes were being posted regularly.. Then, the Expanded Narcissistic Truth articles were posted.. These are all starred in my email inbox because I feel they, alone, really hone in on what it really means to be entangled with a narcissist, how they feel about their sources, and why they do the things they do..
There are plenty of other articles I have read throughout the past couple of years that I cannot name at this time.. Nevertheless, all of the content posted here is of top quality.. I was just thinking how wonderful it is to have a narcissist who fully understands not only his motivations, but the motivations of his lesser and mid brethren and willingly shares this information so we can obtain freedom and eventual peace.. Thanks, HG, for all that you share on all of your many platforms.. With you, I feel I will inevitably seize the power!
Dearest Bekah B,
Just wanted to say a quick “Hi” beautiful butterfly 🦋so glad you’re here
I see you’re doing well with your gorgeous little cutie patootie 👶
Two months already…. wow, I’m really happy for you
I too have a copy of ” Psychopath Free” ….. that was my first book, then I discovered Mr Tudor and have never looked back
You will seize the power my lovely, I found I took away the “whys” and replaced it with “it just is” and “they just are”
Ive accepted it and my life is so much easier
You’re a strong little butterfly and your wings will only grow and become stronger and more beautiful
Time heals all my precious
Big hugs to you gorgeous and little butterfly 🦋 🦋
Luv Bubbles xx 😘
https://narcsite.com/2017/07/23/the-narcissists-twin-lines-of-defence/
The first time I came up against The Narcissist’s Twin Lines of Defence and recognized it. It was a very exciting moment!
My daughter and her friend were being bullied in the school playground by a LLN classmate and his mother, a ULN, used the First Line of Defence: Denial, by stating: He didn’t bully the girls. Then she deployed the Second Line: Distract and Deflect, by stating: I was watching him the whole time (lying, invalidation and gas lighting). She wasn’t watching her son at all; she was talking to me and the other parents.
https://narcsite.com/2016/08/05/volte-face/
A couple of years ago, I had expressed my dislike of the book Atonement by Ian McEwan with my friend (MMRN); she mirrored me and told me how much she disliked the book, as well.
Recently, one of the book club groups was scheduled to read Atonement and I mentioned our mutual dislike for the book; she deployed a Volte Face and started telling me how much she and her husband loved the book and the plot was fabulous and how well written it was. WTF!?
Ha ha ha…I got gas lighted at the library!
Oh my gosh, I encountered that and had no idea what is was. Everyone at work knew I liked my LLN. One day they asked me what I thought of a particular actor. “Not much,” I said. “You mean his acting or his looks?” “Neither. I just don’t see what all the fuss is about.”
Found out later they’d been previously discussing the same actor with my narc, and first he said, “Well, he may be good-looking but he’s not a very good actor.” Some of them started to argue with him, and within a few minutes, he said, “Well, he may be talented, but he’s really not that good-looking.” ?!! Who said he had to like some celebrity at all just because everybody around him
did? This was an office, not middle school!
I had reached the stage of making excuses for him, ooh isn’t it sad he’s so insecure, I just want to NURTURE him til he’s all better, but I ignored my instincts, which told me that this kind of thing in a supposedly grown man was PATHETIC.
Violetta
Ha ha ha…narcissists are consistently inconsistent. When your colleagues argued/disagreed, he felt a lack of control and, in the instant, painted them black and deployed a Volte Face to assert control and gain fuel.
You may find this article very helpful.
https://narcsite.com/2016/10/12/5-reasons-we-argue-and-what-you-can-do/
BTW, I wish I’d known about all this ago, when my LLN was manipulating me while a high-functioning sociopath in the same office was manipulating both of us, but at least it’s helped me to interpret what happened. Saw HG’s blog a while back, then came back recently because the behavior of several people in the news seemed to fit the narcissist M O. and I wanted to check what I was seeing against HG’s descriptions. Reading “Tell Me What I Want to Hear” made my blood run cold. It’s dead-on to a frightening degree.
I have several aha moments. I was struggling with my addiction to the narc handyman who tried to seduce me. I was vacillating between reading stuff online that would help me stay strong at not contacting him and starting a relationship with him and reading stuff that affirm that he and I were meant to be such as articles about our zodiac signs which happened to be compatible. I was even trying to read from the Bible about encouraging verses about a soulmate or something meant to be but all I ever got were verses talking about evil people and staying away from them. I got into the point where I was reading articles about PUAs and Narcissists and I found SV first and then found you and your article ‘Dirty Empath Infidelity’ resonated with me and I believe that I posted a comment right away telling about my story and that was my first ever post here. That was my first aha moment. I just kept reading the articles everyday and I unsubscribed to the PUA articles because he is not one, he’s just a narcissist. The other aha moment for me that made me realize my mom was a narcissist was ‘The Nasty Neighbor’ article. It was one of the hardest things to deal with her because we ended up moving to different addresses so many times because she always got in fights with neighbors and landlords. The articles about Mid Rangers especially the Dirty Angel made me felt assured that my half sister was one indeed. The article about the ‘Dirty Little Secret’ made me finally understand something that mystified me for years about a guy that I briefly dated in my home country. Your article ‘Why is Divorce so Hard’ made me realize for sure that my husband is not a narcissist even though he has a lot of normal narcissistic behaviors. We have conflicts sometimes but they always die down really fast too and that is his big difference between my half sister and my mom and my stepdaughters. There is no power struggle that lasts for days. There can be some power struggle but it doesn’t even last for an hour with us. So I also thank you for that article because for a lot of us who grew up in a household with narcissists, we have no idea what a normal family looks like. So thank you for describing and differentiating it to us in that article in a very detailed way. But almost all of your articles give me an aha moment. I always pick up something valuable in each of them.
I can’t say there was one specific article, but rather your explanation of “perspective” throughout many of your articles. It took a long while for me to understand how one human being could be so cruel and careless to another human being – particularly when there was no provocation for the treatment. I had to re-read many of your articles to understand that my perspective of relationships, feelings, intentions, awareness, consequences, and the full range of human emotion – was completely opposite from any perspective of my ex narcissist. It took me reading and re-reading every one of your articles to come to the simple understanding that while I was in a relationship with HIM, he was not in a relationship with ME. Not by the standards and definition of any normal, healthy person. He was not the man I fell in love with – not the man he presented himself to be. I just could not accept the reality that he was completely void of emotions, character and integrity. Like ZERO. His moral compass pointed SOUTH at all times to Hell. 2 years of forcing myself to absorb your words. My brain knew you were right and true immediately. My heart took a lot longer to catch up – but when it did – I was forever changed. Stronger, smarter and infinitely more aware.
I can’t say there was one particular moment for me either. I’d already worked out he was a narcissist and/or sociopath, and I was googling these terms when I found HG. What made his site so compelling was the bluntness in the delivery of the information, and the fact that it was written from the mouth of a narcissist too. There was no dramatics, conjecture, or allusions to devils and demons, and what not. I don’t believe in the tooth fairy so I don’t believe in devils or demons either!
The fact that it was written from the Narc perspective sealed it for me. Who better to explain everything. I spent about two days reading everything on here and although it devastated me, everything made absolute perfect sense. If this happens, this is why, because this is what the narc gets out of it. And you mean nothing, btw. No apologies, no room for doubt, no room for emotional thinking. You can’t not accept what HG says. It’s pure logic, in black and white, which is just how I like it!!
For me, it was experiencing silent treatments. It was so abnormal to me that I started researching and found my answer.
Looking back, my 1st clue should’ve been when we were shopping for candles. He asked me to smell the one he liked. It was awful and I told him so. He was silent, but visibly enraged that I did not share his like for a damned candle. All craziness, all the time.
The article that gave you instant credibility in my eyes was The Married Target. I was shocked to see that a piece had been written about a situation so close to my own. Prior to that I had watched on in narc survivor forums, even an “unfaithful spouse” forum but nothing hit on my experience the way your writing did.
See Saw was also another one that resonated with me. The metaphor was perfect at describing how I felt. Being lifted to the highest of highs then slammed to the ground. It’s still jarring to read almost a year later.
Sex & The Narcissist was probably the biggest “a-ha” moment for me. Sex for me is so much more about intimacy, vulnerability, trust, and spiritual connection. The physical part is just the icing on the cake. My narc was so good at playing victim. All I wanted to do was to love his hurt away. I imagined soothing him by way of this physical connection. But reading how the narc feels about sex was sickening. It instantly quelled that physical craving I had for him.
Interesting to note that The Married Target resonated with you, Joanne, I suspect it does with many although they probably do not like to admit as such.
Yes, See Saw is often complimented on its accuracy.
Sex is a ground breaking book and a very good way of ensuring you know the truth about how we look at sex. It will certainly ensure you never look at sex with the narcissist the same way again.
“The Married Target” resonates with me too, but it was not my “take on me” moment. Probably because he is married too?
Married target for me as well!
NOPE! My mind and body both reject the idea entirely now. Still annoying how the confusing emotions still kept me clinging on in some way, even with that part removed from the equation….
Adding also, I feel the personal consultation was still a critical part of my understanding. The ability to tell the entirety of my story and ask specific questions (and get the answers) helped a lot. I listened to that recording almost every day for a very long time. Some parts took longer to sink in. But I do feel that gave me personal clarity in knowing that his behaviors all aligned with narcissism and that it was not my fault.
That is good to read.
Have you seen his writing or you tube video called “10 rejections of intimacy” that hit me like a ton of bricks.
Same here CJ. Made me shudder.
like many of us, I have read and watched countless things about narcissism. plus I had behavioral science lessons at university. but I cannot compare theoretical knowledge with your knowledge. i cannot find it in any source.
4 main questions were very important to me and I have read the information topics related to them for to draw the outlines :
1- who am i for him? The Fuel Matrix , fuel supply types
2- what kind of narc is he? Five Facts topics about schools, four cadres
3- what is the current status and what should i expect next ? shelf, disengagement, hoover types, triggers, HEC
4- how will this end? No Contact, The Post Discard Battle
whereby the main informations were lined up in my head. then i read your general articles for to understand the perspective of your kind.
except these; our comments, our questions and your answers are very valuable. sometimes it’s hard to read 576 comments in only one article but i get a lot of information with this way.
thank you HG
i forgot to add : sorry, I didn’t write a single thing or a special moment because all of them were an “aha” for me. I also discovered my father’s narcissistic traits, my family dynamics. most importantly i discovered myself. everything here changed my life.
True to that, Ceyceyc. I also discovered many things about my family.
You are welcome.
I started with reading the blog articles and comments of others which lead me to the books.
1.Fuel and Fury were first up and instrumental in beginning to understand what drives the narcissist.
2 Sitting Target was next and explained how the Empath is targeted and chosen.
3. Sex And The Narcissist revealed a LOT more than I expected. Intimacy issues, addiction, manipulation just to name a few.
Those 4 books gave me the initial aha moments and I consider them to be required reading if you truly want to understand what you are dealing with. I was also pleasantly surprised to find that they were ridiculously inexpensive and therefore accessible to most.
BUT…
NOTHING has provided more clarity than having a consultation with HG himself. The information was specific to my situation. There was no searching the blog to find someone who has posed a similar question to mine, no wondering if it is different in my situation to someone else’s, no more wondering why they did that or why I respond in a way different to others. Just no more wondering but confirmation and validation. I thought I had read it all and understood a lot, but HG was able to reveal to me many things about my own personal situation that would not be possible (or even preferable) to be accomplished in asking questions on the blog.
Some specific aha moments along the way:
That most of them (Lessers and Mids) do not even know what they are and think they are the wronged ones.
That they act in the moment for the most part and are not plotting and planning as we think them to be.
The “reset” button they have which explains their carrying on as though nothing ever happened.
That intimacy is abhorred and is merely a tool (an effective one) used to extract fuel and bond you to them.
That you can’t make them “see” that they are abusive and “fix” them.
That they do not think of you or their children (or anyone else) until they need a hit of fuel. And then they will need someone else’s and someone else’s……You cannot provide provide the perfect fuel that will allow you to hang onto them.
The biggest one though has to be: That the only revenge that can affect them and that you need is
NO CONTACT.
Oh! How could I forget! Early on the confirmation that there was more than one type of narcissist as I suspected. I found HG’s breakdown of Schools and Cadres of narcissists genius as it explained why there were so many differing behaviours but with essentially the same result of abuse. The same for empaths as it explains our differing reactions. Those were full on AHA! moments.
I used 3 exclamations. I hope FM1T and Windstorm didn’t catch that lol.
Thank you NA.
In retrospect, as children, my male sibling showed many characteristics of narcissism. Parental attention directed toward me always meant a jealous backlash of belittling behavior later when no one was around. He frequently tried to snuff me out by placing a pillow over my head so I could not breathe. He would also hold me under water for a dangerous amount of time. Everyday was a competition by him to try and maintain a one-up position.
We grew up, grew apart, moved to different places and had few encounters except infrequent family get togethers. Fast forward to 3 years ago when my father’s death created inheritance issues forcing greater contact between us.
Through these necessary interactions I became aware that something wasn’t right about him but I could not put my finger on it, as we like to say. This mysterious person emerged. His erratic behavior, strange responses, grandiosity and cruelty toward others was scary and I was often confused. As time went on I began to recognize manipulative tactics and I had to get to bottom of it as I was becoming miserable over these negative interactions. I began digging to try and uncover what was going on.
Over the past 3 years I have researched everything I could get my hands on and the information leads me to believe my male sibling is a very high level narcissist. I began to understand what I was dealing with and increased my awareness so his behavior had less of an effect and I wasn’t always having to recovery from his latest manipulation.
But because he is my brother, my emotional thinking, coupled with a huge problem related to hoping he would change, had a blinding effect on my ability to move forward I also mistakenly thought that he had grown up and that the childhood instances were in the past. WhenI noticed him mistreat others, usually wait staff, etc, and express alarmingly nasty views of people we knew, I didn’t like it, but because he is my brother I did not think he would target me in that fashion. I believed he was now a mature adult, so when he began unleashing his fury on me I was completely baffled. Even family bonds had no significance to him. I found myself constantly reeling from something he had said or done, allowing him to control me though miles apart.
Sorry to be so long but the background info will allow me to better share how helpful your information has been. Though I spent hours researching narcissism it wasn’t until I stumbled upon H G’s videos, and then the website that I was able to begin to gain true freedom. The perspective from “the other side” seems to be providing the missing elements that I needed. I believe most of the other material I studied was from empaths like myself who had been ensnared and gotten burned. Though many are quite knowledge and provided me with the first aha moments providing a foundation for understanding what I was dealing with, there was still a lack of power in the messages. Many I read suggested “no contact” but when I tried it and continually failed, I could not understand why. Seeing how a narcissist processes differently than an empath and hearing this from a narcissist has filled in the areas of knowledge that were lacking.
And of course I could go on and on. So many aha moments. Too many to detail.
All I can say is I’m glad you had a motivating circumstance that resulted in sharing the information with us. And thank you for doing so.
You are welcome and thank you for sharing your own experiences.
My biggest “aha moment” came from a simple reply to a blog comment buried long ago.
HG said “There is no such thing as a Sex Addict”
Be it in book, blog or interview, HG’s work offers succinct expanations and logic.
I get tired of long winded horror stories and monster/toddler metaphors offered by other supposed experts.
The encouragement to reclaim my common sense and apply logic in building my defenses instead of naively buying every sob story and smear has been priceless.
And it was free.
The only person I can control is myself. GOSO.
Correct.
Hi HG !
Long time no see!
In answer to your question .
It was the day five years ago when I discovered your blog .
Back then it was quite new, but I realised that every ” Blog post ” made absolute sence to me .
Fast forward & I’m proud to say that because everything you’ve taught me, I’m STILL narc free & Always will be .
As I said back then. You changed my life .
I’ll always be thankful for that .. x
Hello NSS, good to see you dropping by. You are most welcome.
No such thing as a sex addict. Yes
No such thing as an abuser .
It’s all so simple and obvious.
They’ve been for so long explaining away and talking circles around what’s so. Friggin. OBVIOUS.
No such thing as an abuser meaning – it’s all the same thing – NARCISSISM
This post was SUCH an a-ha moment: https://narcsite.com/2018/01/11/why-does-the-narcissist-seem-so-odd-2/
This was a few months ago. Me & hub had already figured out his mom & stepdad are narcs. I was ingesting copious amounts of info online, hub started counselling. We were trying to put the pieces together & get a big picture. I have not run into any other sources who describe the behavior in your post about the stranger setting.
It was as though you were describing the turn our relationship took about 3 years ago. I know you’ve written that typically secondary family doesn’t get extended periods of devaluation, but man oh man was it eerily accurate with regards to SFIL. This piece of the puzzle really helped us get that bigger picture we wanted.
Also the empath stuff was helpful bc I wasn’t really comfortable w the label bc folks who discuss it online tend to go new age & start bringing in chakras etc. Then I read your info, the carrier empath post specifically, which was so accurate it was again downright eerie. https://narcsite.com/2016/11/08/the-carrier-empath/
Yes, The Simul, I agree about the Narc acting odd article. That is another moment of clarity for me. The apathy, the sudden low energy, the sense of humor gone. That is another one to add to my list.
Also, it is ABSURD to rank narcs as only cerebral or somatic. The knowledge-obsessed pretentious one or the gym bimbo who flexes his muscles and no in between.
Elitists. Of course.
I kept wondering if the Mid Ranger was Cerebral or Somatic, as he went from having this astute intellectual dedication to the arts to hiring a gay personal trainer and Tweeting about celeb gossip. Cerebral or Somatic? I was so confused. He was an Elitist! and Being a Mid Ranger, all Mid Rangers play the victim, so that explains his constant pity plays.
the simul: Yes!!!!!! Why does the Narcississt seem so odd is definitely one of my top 10 Moments with HG Tudor. Even the accompanying photo is perfect. HG, I do hope you keep some of your original Art selections. That photo showed exactly how I felt when the Narcissist sometimes had a Now Moment, or was Gaslighting, or was involving himself in some mischief that his Lieutenants had started, but he really was above that level of mischief, and sometimes I literally grabbed his arm and pulled him physically away from some mischievous group scenarios, while I wondered why was he lured by such mischief at times. So odd.
There were a few articles circling around the same topic that really sunk in for me.
When I realized WHY I was obsessed with finding answers, getting the truth, wanting him to “love” me like he said he did, the reasons I kept going back and breaking no contact… responding to hoovering.
That information coupled with the information about how much the narc wants us to
Break no contact…. was what really kept me in no contact.
The single most freeing thing that the information above led me too was…. I don’t need to seek validation from anyone. I know what happened. I know my own truth. And no matter how much the narcissist tried to corrupt it (blaming me for being abusive at the end) I was not going to allow his narrative to be mine… any longer.
Your work gave me the validation I needed. I am
Still doing a lot of internal
Work. I still have a ways to go. But finally now… at least I have a starting point to leap from.
There have been a lot of aha moments since I started reading HG’s works, but I feel the most important moment was the realization of the power of emotional thinking. This has come from consultations, reading HG’s website, listening to his YouTube videos, reading HG’s books (“Exorcism”), and purchasing Zero Impact.
When I first came to HG’s site, it was eye opening to find answers to bizarre behaviors/patterns that I never understood. I’ve since realized, it’s not enough to be aware of what narcissism is because as long as you’re prone to emotional thinking, you will always be vulnerable to narcissists. Understanding/controlling this addiction is the biggest piece of the puzzle because once the ET is controlled, the allure/power of the narcissist fades.
For me, there wasn’t really any single ‘ah ha’ moment where EVERYTHING clicked into place, as I had a ton of questions. My mind also doesn’t work that way. Rather, I learn over time, digest a lot of info in one sitting and then disappear for a week to process and ruminate over it. Akin to a workout regime. No one gets buff in a single workout, but rather, multiple workouts over time.
Before your site, I was searching all over to try to understand what had happened. But there is a lot of contradictory info, and I was in some FB ‘support group’ that was well intended but did not help me b/c all the people did was complain about all their problems and everything bad that had happened to them. It was feeding my emotion rather than tapping into my intellect, so nothing was getting addressed.
Other channels were either too text speak or clinical (Sam V) and didn’t apply to real world situations, too DSMish and then those damn robot YT vids which are annoying. Or their info was too generic and bland.
Learning it from your perspective offered a new level of clarity I’d not ever experienced. That moment in FUEL where you speak about the negative fuel being more potent than positive (as well as how it goes stale), learning in Sitting Target how I attract Elitists, oh which reminds me, your schools and cadres of narcs made it so much clearer than the whole overt/covert thing.
I kept asking, why then do some narcs run corporations and others can’t even hold a job delivering pizzas? The Overt/Covert were not descriptive enough and I remained confused until learning about the Mid Ranger.
Also, learning about empaths and that they’re not people with magical powers and that empaths are not perfect.
The recent main level of clarity I had was when in an article you spoke about different manipulations and it being all about control. Why some narcs treat others differently. I was able to understand why the Mid Ranger played the victim so often, pretending to be offended over nothing–all for control and playing on my empathy.
So there have been many moments building over time and I of course am still learning. Chained is a book I look forward to reading in time. I am a life long student.
That is an excellent breakdown of the ineffectiveness of existing offerings and how those shortcomings are remedied and pale compared to what I provide. It was instructive to read. Thank you Bibi.
You’re very welcome, HG. As always!
I’m with you, Bibi. I learned over time with no single “Aha!” moment I can recall. HG’s page is the best. He doesn’t sugarcoat or provide vapid comments that are supposed to be inspirational. And the understanding he has of us is extraordinarily helpful, because he knows the why and how of our mistakes, and he gives us a way to avoid them.
I don’t know about you, but I didn’t want to let go of the little girl fantasy that I could save my narc. That might be why it took so long. Plus, man, the life we had together was so incredible and filled with so much potential that I didn’t want to let it go. That dream died hard. Took a long time for me to accept that he did it on purpose. Also took a long time to realize that I wasn’t “special” because I loved him so much: that I was a victim and an addict and this happens all the time. I couldn’t pretend like it didn’t happen by hanging onto the dying dream and by stubbornly insisting that “It’s love!”
I almost wrote him today an angry letter describing why I’m still angry, blah blah blah. I remembered HG telling us to send those things to him, instead, and while I didn’t send it to HG, I also didn’t send it to the ex. Doesn’t matter. Just wrote it out and then let it go. He is what he is, and it would be hoover fuel, and I’m done with that.
I got help in a lot of different places, too, but it is because of HG that I can see exactly what he is and what he’s doing and why I can stop myself from those things I would do to work out issues in a relationship with a normal person. Just his blog is that powerful.
Thank you, HG.
You are welcome and I am pleased that you acknowledge that the “inspirational” quote or comment routine is utterly useless. Those are the types of platitudes which keep people stuck and operating under misconceptions for a long time, a few have appeared in my “Errors of the Ignorant” series.
I’m in awe of your intellectual prowess and logical understanding of both narcissists and empathic individuals, HG. And of your ability to communicate it. Your descriptions of the types and breakdown of cadres and classes works very well to break us out of the diehard devotion to romanticism and tendencies to delude ourselves. You predicted my ex to a T and this allowed me to become bored with him. He’s not dynamic as he presents himself: he’s running a program. You also enabled me to see the addiction which kept pulling me back even though I KNEW it was insane to want to go back to that. I feel like I’m far enough from the shore after crossing the emotional sea (too cool, these metaphors for the fanciful empathic types, lol) that I’m out. I have one more choice to make in a couple of weeks as to getting 100% out forever. I know what I need to do, but I don’t know if I am able. If I lean towards not severing ties, I’ll be calling for a consult. I suspect that’s all I need to get the rest of the way.
Thank you and I look forward to consulting with you.
Agree, seballerina. Another commenter mentioned HG giving the validation needed and I completely agree. I needed an objective voice narrating in the background, reassuring me that I wasn’t completely nuts.
And yes, the inspirational quotes are silly. I follow a site on FB that regularly posts Rumi quotes and that is good enough for me.
HG, back in the day when I was in touch with the narc I was an emotional mess. Even if I had a consult with you forced upon me, my ET was so high that I don’t think you could have penetrated. Also, I would have believed I was ‘betraying’ him in some way. He really got me to believe I was the problem.
I really had to purge his perspective as being the right and only one from my mind.
WE NEED MPRE INFO ON THE VICTIM CADRE HG…. I see waaaaaay too many empaths falling for this shit.
The victim can really fleece ya- they seem to love their kids, their animals. Not violent (LMR?) or less so at least- just these pathetic little man children (often addicts!! Another thing that confuses ppl!)
I always knew my relationship and breakup with my ex MMRN was unlike others I’ve had, and I couldn’t explain why. A piece of my soul died after my entanglement with him. My therapist suggested he was a narcissist or sociopath, and that is what led me here. Your article “the devastation of the illusion” really made me think my ex was a narcissist because that is exactly what I experienced. Then my Narc Detector Consultation with you proved it.
I spent the last 2-1/2 years with a married narcissist. Not until the last 3 months understanding that was what he was. More times than I can count; I have tried to break free. Feelings of shame, feeling like I was stupid, completely losing who I really am and deep depression have become a way of life. These articles as well as other books etc… have become my way of coping and understanding. Therapy and friends are helping me with my strength to combat this person and stay “no contact” with him. He isn’t really a person. He is complete evil with a black heart and an empty soul. The damage he has done is horrible and extensive. I hope I can overcome the anxiety, depression and fear and move on with a peaceful life. I hope I can love again. thank you for your honesty and incredible insight into this evil that has such control over those with kind hearts and loving souls. It gives direction and the truth that we are not crazy or stupid. We are just lied to, manipulated and mentally abused.
The past 10 years of my life have been filled with loss. Loss of a brother, both parents have gone thru cancer, my husband went thru a transplant and then passed away from cancer and right after that my brand new home burned to the ground with my precious dog inside from lightning. I spent 3 years trying to recover without any relationship with a man. This person completely took advantage of the vulnerability I showed, unknowing that I was doing that. He admitted to it. I was a challenge. But I fell and fell hard. Loving I thought more than I had ever loved before. His deception at first let me in. Then the promises and lies kept me there. Afraid to be without him was as bad as living with the deceit and meanness.
To anyone reading…don’t give up on your recovery. It hurts. It is very hard. But your self worth and your sanity and your peace are far more important than the person that is tormenting you. Know that they do not love you; they love themselves. They love mistreating you and love to dwell in your misery. That is never going to change. They do not know how to love, they are not sorry for what they have done to you and never will be. I understand the lonliness and the hope that the person you love so deeply will change and those few good times will become the norm. It won’t. It never will.
Thank you Mr. Tudor again for your candor and willingness to help us on the other side.
You are welcome and thank you for sharing your experience.
The fact that this is so instinct driven for most narcissists—it makes my job easier, although do I really have a “job” at this point if I ignore most dialogue?! What is he going to do? Knock on the door? How scary right?! Whatever. He can fuck off HG—I like the permission to freely think “fuck off” as I would have felt guilty for this in my former life. My question for you is what have you learned from us?
Well I uderstand that I was dealing with a narcisist (actually it was three of them can’t believe it) when I found a post in Instagram of a count named Narcandemphat, that I liked some time ago, but didn’t remember…so when that happend I google the word “narcisist”, and found your blog, and I literally devour it, because all fit!, I mean it was all of your post that gave me light, so I want to thank you very much because you are a miracle in my life, for real; I know that might be not your intention, bur you are giving light to lives all around the world (I’m from Ecuador, so sorry if my english is not that goog jiji).
Anyway, Your post about the escape and the tremendous war you have with yourself after you go, and the analogy of the sea and you being drown everytime you think with your heart it’s brilliant, and interesthing and helped me a lot, it’s one of my favorites.
There is a post about your child time, that I like a lot too, it says something like “I couldn’t invite any child to my birthday party, because no one was enough to my family” was hard to swallow, and helped me see the other side, the perspective of the narcsisist and why are they like that.
At the very end I have learned that I have the narc traits too, that’s why I was atracted to men like that, to learn and stop the narc aspects in my behavior, that was causing me a lot of trouble in the romantic, financial, and professional fields.
Finally, two things, one is for you and it’s a very big thank you HG Tudor God Bless you ;). The other, for whoever reads this comment, don’t be afraid and read as much as you could, because the knowledge is power!, and you’ll need that power to be free.
Nice Day!
Hello OMWTN from Ecuador! I am pleased that the Crossing the Emotional Sea explanation resonated with you, you ought to trade yourself to a moment signifying this from The House of Tudor!
I actually came across you HG with the very first interview you had wiith Christine Blosdale Out of the Box. Then I proceeded to your Narcsite website,your videos, your books and consultations !
Theres too many to list! Id say almost every article has been a a ha moment and i still find i can get something different when i reread them.
A few offhand that really opened my eyes….
Oh wait… i know the one lol …dirty angel!!!
Dirty angel was my a ha moment bc it described my mil so exact!! Lol scary how precise it was 😄 she is a dirty angel and it explained why her so called acts of kindness are not 100% or even genuine. She craves constant praise and attention.
I agree with Michelle on that article. The picture that goes with it captures perfectly what my brain did when I read it: blow! It is absolutely impressive. And of course, my new mantra:GOSO. However, there are two specific works that felt like a dagger ripping my soul when I first read them:
-Sex and the Narcissist. I cried. And cried. And cried. Being with a Somatic is probably the best way to find out what being an inflatable sex doll may feel like.
-Your article on the interaction between the narc and different types of IPSS/SIPSS. Yes, that one with the dolls on the shelf. It hurts deep inside every time I read it.
Speaking of which, a friend shared this creepy though majestic short film with me. I couldn’t help but think of your article when I watched it. Not coincidentally, the title of the film is “Alma” (“soul” in Spanish), as well as the name of the protagonist. Soul thief. That’s what my narc is.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=U2k75zbchDA
PS: if anyone watches the short film, you will find it ironic that I am blonde and the replacement IPSS -or the one with whom I was triangulated- is red-haired. Creepy.
Reading about: lovesex addiction, negative fuel and emotional thinking. A LOT of things started to make sense afterwards.
EmP. Emotional Thinking is really a coy and sneaky entity. Thankfully, it has been dragged out of hiding to brought forth and painstakingly evaluated. What an entity is this Emotional Thinking. The enemy within, truly.
There was an article about fury, which said something like normal people become angry and narcissists become furious. Anger is a normal reaction but fury is not. That was it for me.
I am pleased you picked up on that, it is an important distinction.
Liane, I had a similar reaction to that comment. I remember the Mid Ranger telling me that he was ‘furious’ with me for looking up his sister’s FB profile.
Years later he said it was ‘no big deal’ but never apologized for reacting the way he did, which made me feel horrible. At the time, I did not think that my ‘punishment’ fit the ‘crime’.
When we finally reconnected months later, he said, ‘I was just so angry this entire time,’ I didn’t understand. Angry over what?
HG and others, I’d like to share something that made me angry last week.
I went to the grocery store and had a half full cart. There was only 1 lane open and some guy had only a handful of things so I let him go before me. There was also a customer before him.
Since there was enough time, I ran back to get something (left my cart there) and came back in a minute or so. When I returned, some chick with a full cart pushed my half full cart out of the way and was already putting her shit on the counter. Meanwhile, the guy I let through was STILL getting his groceries scanned.
So there wasn’t like there was a lapse in time where anyone was waiting on me. She just pushed my cart out of the way and went ahead of me in that small amount of time I was gone. This upset me because it was rude and disrespectful. No one was waiting on anyone (I could understand then). Had I just not let the guy go ahead of me, this would not have happened, but I was nice and then screwed out of my place.
It’s not a huge thing in the grand scheme of life but I cried b/c I was tired after work and wondered why everyone is so rude? I had some self-pity moments in my head, and then I fantasized about the woman who cut in front of me falling over and tripping.
As much as I would have felt angry, (I did) I was more hurt by the lack of consideration b/c I would never do that to someone, if I saw someone’s cart in front of me. Again, were they waiting on me, then I could understand, but that was not the case.
Alot of videos I have seen all of them twice on hg you tube videos I think toxic logic, why cant they see it too, get out and stay out, when you know you go, boundary breaker, never mirror the narcissist, a letter to the narcissist, “a very series” to control is to cope, why does he or she blow hot or cold but most of all when I was told by hg to use my cold hard logic and not my emotional thinking that is my big one that I use every day actually taking a step back from my narcissist in my life I actually realized I was surrounded by alot of the brethren. Realizing that I was sick and tired of always having my sanity questioned and the word salad I realized that when i gave distance that i was able to see things alot more clearer and once the wool was pulled off my eyes i had to learn to forgive myself. Also I would hear the narcissist or narcissistic individual say things that I knew wasnt right I stopped making an excuse for them and actually took what they said for face value and realized that these narcs didnt have respect for us empaths only amongst their secret society and brethren because after all…”its a secret society all we ask is trust”- Jay Z
Thank you CJ, interesting to note the relevant YouTube videos.
Two things stand out for me. First, your brilliant essay on the social media games played by Narcissists. This piece masterfully broke down how they use it in the entanglement to triangulate and manipulate, among other things. Second, your reminder – when you know, you go. You get out and stay out. Knowledge is power!
Thank you Michelle.
michellegedwards: That triangulation is amazing! Everyone in the dynamic will be triangulated, from Intimate Partners, to Tertiary sources. I was a non-intimate partner secondary source at the workplace, and I had no idea what weird thing was being done to me that, try as I may, I could not figure out until I came here on Narcite: I discovered that I was being triangulated all over the place, non-stop, 5 days a week for over 3 years in the workplace. At that job, I felt like the befuddled unworldly character Mia Farrow in the movie: Rosemary’s Baby, as she stumbled about wondering what was happening to her with all the people that should have been close to her. No one escapes being a person that will be triangulated in some way or another in a Narcissistic dynamic. One can even be triangulated with objects! it is amazing. HG`s article titled `Minions of Darkness` was a breakthrough for me, as well. Once I read that article, earlier this year, I left that workplace.
I am so happy you left that place. You saved yourself! You’re so right, that triangulation is insidious. HG’s insight is such a beautiful gift he is sharing with us. Information is the key and accepting there is no safety down the narcissistic path of abuse.
Thank you, Michelle! I am so glad that I had the wherewithal to leave. I have been pretty much free of that place for about six months now. Another aspect that I am learning from HG Tudor for the future is to carry myself much more wisely in work environments. How to handle and communicate better with people that are in high positions that still may have various forms of social disorders. HG is a Behavioural Genius. How to carry oneself safely amidst the quicksand and traps and rip-tides, etc. that exist in a Narcissistic workplace with both those that one is responsible for and with those that one is responsible to report to. And all the intertwined people all about. It is a crazy minefield in some of these workplaces. I am much much wiser since learning about all this on here, and from surviving this experience. It has been unbelievable. Many of my friends, unfortunately, were entangled with that workplace. And we hung out together, and even worked out together at a gym nearby. I had to change gym locations as well to get out and stay out. Sadly, I had to remove myself to save and protect myself from many people that I admired and liked, including my best friend, and now I am starting my life over, so to speak. I thank God for Narcsite and HG, because I was outnumbered but not outgunned and now I am considerably wiser going forward.