The Narcissist´s Stare




The stare. The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.

Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.

  1. The Stare in Seduction

It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.

At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.

Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by staring at you for an unconventional length of time and this would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.

The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU. That desire for you which shone in our eyes was actually our desire to control you, for your fuel, for your character traits and for those residual benefits. Of course, since you did not know who you were dealing with, you honestly mistook that stare of desire as us wanting you, the person. That is not the case.

This steady, magnetic stare is of course not utilised by all narcissists. Where deployed by the Lesser or Mid-Range Narcissist, they do believe they want you for being you, their narcissism does not allow them to know the genuine reason they want you nor why they are staring so intently at you. The Greater and Ultra know precisely what we are doing and why.

The stare in seduction demonstrates our sense of entitlement to keep looking at you, the sense of ownership (we look on you like some expensive painting or enticing motor vehicle that belongs to us), our lack of emotional empathy (we have no interest if this stare makes you feel somewhat uncomfortable or embarrassed to receive such attention). It exhibits our lack of boundary recognition and is a form of manipulation designed to benignly assert control over you directly.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality

In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.

If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.

This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Malice

This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.

This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the inky darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.

You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.

The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.

  1. The Stare in the Discard

This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The annoyance that we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.

  1. The Stare in the Hoover

The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.

Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.

The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.



35 thoughts on “The Narcissist´s Stare

  1. Another Cat says:

    This is a sad and beautiful read.

  2. A Victor says:

    The stare was the most eye contact I received as a child, and it was always a threat. My ex’s didn’t do this and I am glad, it would have freaked me out. A guy at church did it recently to me and it did freak me out, I didn’t go for a couple of weeks after the second time that it happened, hoping he just goes away.

    1. leelasfuelstinks says:

      Patri Narc doesn´t do it, but a former co-worker did and “my” latest narc did it very often! Thinking about what to do or say? 0_0 STARE. Sexually aroused? 0_0. STARE. Studying my reactions? 0_0. STARE. 404 moment? 0_0 STARE. Forgot something? 0_0 STARE. Learning something? 0_0. STARE. 😀 Eew!

      1. A Victor says:

        Leela, wow! I just got 0_0 STARE You will pay later! I didn’t realize there were so many ways it could be used!

        1. leelasfuelstinks says:

          My goodness, what my last narc stared! Character trait akquisition: 0_0, gathering fuel: 0_0, gathering information: 0_0, aw! You name it! 😀 When the sun was shining, when it was raining, when it was overcast .. 😀 STARE! 😀

          1. A Victor says:

            That would have made me run! Terrifying!

          2. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Oh yes, it indeed was! The first time I saw that stare I just wanted to run away, it scared the shit out for me! After a while I got used to it and it was just getting on my nerves.

          3. A Victor says:

            YOU were scared?! Wow! It always surprises me when you are afraid of anything! But, it makes me feel like not such a wimp (I am a very big wimp!) if even you, our resident brave SE, has fears!

          4. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Hey, I´m still an Empath, not a Psychopath 😉 Yes it scared me because I saw the extreme aggression and the fury boiling under the surface. I didn´t know back then what it was, this was way before I came here 🙂 As mentioned, I very quickly noticed that something is very very off here, but couldn´t identify it. That stare was so intense, so aggressive, it reminded me on serial criminals. I just did not know, what the heck I´m dealing with here. My inner alarm bells just screamed “Alert, alert! EVIL! EVIL!” Fear is a natural reaction to things, people and animals, who could be dangerous for us and harm us. Fear is naturally designed to protect us from things wich are dangerous or even life-theatening for us. Thus, as I am a non-psychopath human being: Yes, I can feel fear like you. 🙂

          5. A Victor says:

            Aw, I never doubted your Empath status!! I just thought you were very brave, still do, but I suppose it is all a matter of degrees. The summer narc, an ULA, scared me early on, big time. I don’t know if I would ever last long with one so aggressive, unless he was exceptionally charming and hid it well for a long time. But, man, that guy was also exciting! Still wish he wasn’t a narc, haha.

          6. leelasfuelstinks says:

            My ex was an Upper Lesser A too. A Somatic one. Interestingly, I was never scared of him. He carried a lot of aggression too, but he used to directly lash-out, curse, yell, whatever. As we know, those narcs do not operate a facade. “My” last Middle Mid Ranger A did. So there was the sugar coated facade and then the bubbling fury, the passive aggression, the dark abyss behind that facade. This was very confusing to me because I didn´t know anything about Middle Mid Rangers and of course not an iota about (mainly) Cerebrals.

            He presented himself as a decent, good hearted, religious, humble and “empathic” man with a strong moral compass. And then I notice the dark abyss inside him and have no idea what the heck that could be? I just knew, there must be something very dark and very evil inside him and that was darker and by far the most “evil” I have ever seen. I didn´t witness the full horror, I was just a non-intimate secondary source but one thing I know: I don´t wanna know how devaluation looks like with THAT narc. There´s by far more malice behind that facade than I have ever seen in any narc I interacted with!

            Hadn´t noticed that much malice before!

          7. A Victor says:

            We had the opposite! My ex was a MMRA Somatic, I didn’t even think he could be a narcissist, he was so “mild”. And especially compared to my mother and even my dad. But, as you say, he does have that dark abyss in him, and try as I might, I could not fill it. The short, online/phone interaction I had was the ULA, also Somatic. His aggression is the reason I landed here. I didn’t know why I was so attracted to him when he was so absolutely dangerous. But of course, now I do understand it, it’s an addiction I was unaware that I had. Very good to learn.

          8. leelasfuelstinks says:

            “Daddy issues? Mommy issues?” Being honest with myself, I have to admit that I was attracted to Somatic narcs because of “daddy issues”. Patri Narc is Upper Mid Range Somatic and I was never good enough! Never looked good enough! Thus, I finally “wanted to prove daddy that I´m good enough”, I wanted “absolution” that “I´m good enough, that I look good enough, that I´m worthy to be considered as a beautiful high value woman”

            Does that somehow make sense?

          9. A Victor says:

            Yes, it makes sense. I think when we have not been gifted the approval and acceptance that all parent’s should give to their children, very often we are on a search for that from them for the rest of our lives, or theirs. I think it shows up in our choices, something unresolved that we’re still trying to bring together. With my dad gone now, I no longer feel the fear that I will someday do something to lose his “love”, and I have come to realize that even having a concern like that, it was never really love anyway. I knew my mother didn’t love me but I held out as much hope as I could that at least one of them did. So, I understand your comment entirely. I do not feel the need for absolution from my mother, she should look for it from me I think, instead, but I would not grant it to her even if I had such power.

            You are a beautiful, high value woman, Leela, well good enough for every good thing. Not the same as your dad saying it, I realize, but here, it is shown to be true.

          10. leelasfuelstinks says:

            “I think when we have not been gifted the approval and acceptance that all parent’s should give to their children, very often we are on a search for that from them for the rest of our lives,…”

            Amen, sister! Exactly! And this make as feel “not good enough”, this makes us look for “absolution”. Our narcs represent actually our parent(s) and when they love bomb us, we finally feel accepted, worthy, loved, cared for. BULLSHIT! It´s FALSE. An illusion.

            My husband indeed could be an Empath and if so, then definitely Carrier. 😀 Like me, he can´t find the right words to comfort, he immediately thinks about practical solutions for the problem. 😀 Explains why we hardly ever argue, but discuss the problem and look for practical solutions. 😀

            “You are a beautiful, high value woman, Leela, well good enough for every good thing.”

            Thank you very much, AV! You too! 🙂 *hug*

          11. A Victor says:

            Leela, thank you for that good explanation of why we glom on to the narcissist’s BS. You hit that right on the head! And in a way I had not considered it before. That is very helpful.

            Your marriage is one of the things that gives light at the end of the tunnel for others of us, newer in the process. I won’t call it hope, but something to look forward to, if we are so blessed at some point. But, much work to do between now and then!

            Thank you and *hug* back! 🙂

          12. leelasfuelstinks says:

            Very cool that I could help you and other Emps! That´s awesome! Yay! I´m really happy to help (of course, I´m an Emp!) 🙂 🙂

  3. leelasfuelstinks says:

    I hated it every time! Reminded me on “Hannibal Lecter” (fictional cannibalistic serial killer, played by Anthony Hopkins in the movie “The Silence of the Lambs”).

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Hello Leela, interesting that you mentioned Anthony Hopkins. Did you know he was diagnosed to have Aspergers late in life? (Google search).

      1. leelasfuelstinks says:

        No, didn´t know that. I only know that he is a really great actor!

        1. Asp Emp says:

          Yes he is very good. I became aware of his diagnosis via a tv programme and I was not surprised. I also observed the characteristics of Aspergers within Chris Packham before I knew about his. Some are obvious, some not. It’s more noticeable in men (when they are finding it difficult in their surroundings etc).

          1. leelasfuelstinks says:

            I read a book of a math genius with Aspergers: Daniel Tammet. He wrote his biography. He´s awesome!

  4. Ciara says:

    H.G. I’ve seen all those stares;During the devaluation stage it was mesmerizing. I told him he looked like Norman Bates ( a fictional character who played a psycho on t.v) I didn’t know then he was a psycho/Narc) I told him go find somebody else to play with, leave me the hell alone! Those eyes said I hate you ….Thanks for the insight of the eyes.Now I know!

  5. Dani says:

    I k ow that stare. It’s empty. But too show up with a smile on your face trying to remedy their “depression” they say they’re feeling only til the next day when it seems that depression has resolved. To go on the next day and they’re blank again. And you don’t want to rock the boat too much. You just want to try and “help” them. When you KNOW deep down in your heart there is something more off but you just don’t want to believe it. You want to trust that all their feelings are true. You know. Something is not right. And ultimately you are right about it. They have monkey branched and discarded you for another person with no means of explanation or any type of closure. They will tell you how guilty they feel yet no offer any apology for the pain inflicted. How horrible they feel because they, “still have feelings” for you. Do they even know they are narcissists?? HG…I need a session. I need to hear it from an expert narcissist. I loathe you yet I am seeking the truth about your kind as it is surely not in me or even comprehdable to treat people as such objects. People may talk shit however I am using you as a resource and I am grateful you are shamelessly allowing insight into the narcissistic mind. It’s a double edged sword sometimes to hear your words…yet…I’d rather hear it unabashed, unbiased, and the cold hard truth. You make me feel better about myself from knowing people like you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Dani, keep reading, you will succeed here.

    2. JB says:

      Dani, I couldn’t scroll past without commenting on what you had written. I just wanted you to know that I understand how you are feeling and you aren’t alone here x

  6. Cup Cakes says:

    The stare saying I got you!!!!!

    1. Asp Emp says:

      Yes, like ‘got’ their prey….

      1. Cup Cakes says:

        And there would be times when my ex would present themselves as the naive lamb.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          That’s the ‘instinctual’ pity-play from your ex, CC.

          1. Cup Cakes says:


      2. Cup Cakes says:

        Once I realized that the only way to break free was by stop reacting and stop providing the ex with attention thats when they realized they cant get fuel by me anymore and I broke free.Now mind you this took me years to finally figure out in how to break this disgusting creature.It worked.Also,Hg education,videos and consultation helped me understand it all and I was able to clear this black cloud that was confusing my mind.Reducing my ET is what helped me observe properly on how to eliminate what the ex was feeding on.THATS WHEN I LET THE EX STARVE OF FUEL.

        1. Asp Emp says:

          CC, thank you for sharing your experiences in relation to your ex and in learning all about narcissism using HG’s work.

          1. Cup Cakes says:

            Life is an experience.

          2. Cup Cakes says:

            Sharing is caring!

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